|September 16th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Hopefully the Last of the 9/11 Bits for awhile (yeah, right); Hopefully the Last of the Florida Recount Bits for awhile (Hey, you bought the 9/11 promise, so we figured what the Hell?): and Hopefully the Last of the Jar Jar Binks Bits for awhile (we might actually stick to that promise just for our own Good).
Yeah, yeah. Florida election, recount, Disenfranchised Voters, Evil Republicans. Who's surprised?
Here's a quick lesson in Elections that you're probably not going to read about in your local paper; Recounts happen ALL THE TIME. Machines malfunction, the loser wants a dozen recounts because s/he's a Big Whiner, the results are so close that local Laws demand a recount, new Voting Machines get put in and no one bothers learning how to use them. It's just Florida's Elections have been put under the microscope for some odd reason lately...
And yes, you are the only person to make a "Nothing on during the summer but Reruns" joke about this.
So, these 3 gentlemen of Middle Eastern Descent get "caught" down in Florida, and detained for 17 hours, due to claims made by the waitress in the Shoney's they were eating in that they were talking about how "They mourn 9/11, wait till they see 9/13". It turns out that they were 3 Med Students on their way to a Miami Hospital for training, and they and their 4 Attorneys claim they said nothing of the type. Instead, they claim the waitress Made The Whole Thing Up So She Could Be Famous. Uh huh. Maybe we're a bit cynical here, but our theory (and the theory of about 80 million other people) is that these 3 guys decided to have a laugh in the Restaurant, and purposely said these things aloud so they could watch everyone poop in their collective pants. However, as their lawyers most probably pointed out, this doesn't make for a Sympathetic Story and, in light of all the new nifty post-9/11 laws, could be Illegal. Probably right after they advised them to hint that the lady made the claims because she's racist.
Besides, "We didn't say anything" is a nice, easy story to remember during their cross-country Talk-Show Interview Orgy.
And note the Ratio. 3 guys. 4 Lawyers. Why do we get the feeling these 3 goofs have "Take A Number" machines in front of their houses just for all the shysters that are showing up?
Think we've reached the point in time where announcements of a sequel/remake of *any* movie is no longer News.
Note to Spammers; Yeah, that's what we want. The chance to buy Prescription Drugs from a faceless stranger's P.O. Box in a Foreign Land whose name we can barely pronounce, because we're absolutely sure he won't put Horse Tranquilizers in our Prozac bottle to save himself a few bucks.
Note to the Snobs of the World: A Platinum Card is no longer a Big Deal. Some Fly-By-Night companies give out Platinum Cards, and the only requirement is a 500 buck Security Deposit. Thus, waving a Plat card around nowadays is kind of like bragging that you have a Color TV Set and a VCR at home.
"Have you read anything by this guy? He makes some good points" :Translation: "You know those Extremist Views and theories I have? This guy agrees with them all and has a few doozies of his own.".
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2056, George Lucas finally releases Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III: The Special Edition Trilogy on HD-DVD. Besides editing all references to Jar Jar Binks out of the 3 films, thus ending decades of bad jokes and worse "humorous" web sites, the main Specialness of the New Release is Lucas going over all 3 films and digitally editing out all guns, violence, and Battle Scenes. Thus basically leaving us with lots of soul-searching conversations and... Jar Jar.
News Headline That We're Sure Was Written This Way On Purpose So Idiots Like Us Would Give The News Site Free Advertising By Mentioning It: Foxnews.com's "'Mile High Club' Forces Virgin Plane Refit", about how they have to replace the Baby Changing Tables in their new line of Jets because people keep using them to screw on.
Screwing on a Baby Changing Table. There's a rude joke floating around in that sentence *somewhere*, but damned if we're gonna take time away from our Porn Sites digging for it.
Now that it's over a year later, can we call the show RAW IS WAR/WARZONE again?
Anyone else look at Kane's new ring outfit on RAW, and are reminded of the old MST3K bit where they showed how to make Futuristic Space Uniforms out of old jump suits and colored duct tape?
"Drug Money Supports Terrible Things"? Suppose, a year After The Fact, that it's a somewhat less Quaint campaign than "Drugs Support Terrorism".
Wonder if the Gateway Profile is still gonna be cheaper than the Apple Imac once Apple sues the pants off Gateway for the obvious rip-off of the Imac's design...
Exactly who is buying these novelty Birthday Cards featuring naked 900 pound women? And why are you buying them? And would you mind stopping so that maybe they'll stop making these cards? Mainly because, in this sue-happy world, you know anyone who's got one of these cards thumb-tacked to a Bulletin Board is gonna get drug into court when these women have heart attacks at 35 and their relatives decide they could use a new Entertainment Center and file a Class Action Suit, because people *forced* them to be that heavy with the demand for these cards.
And a Moment of silence for LaWanda Page, otherwise known as Aunt Esther on Sanford and Son, who passed on at the age of 81. Mrs. Page was one of those sit-com actors who continued playing "The Part" for the rest of their lives, as she made cameo appearances in several films and TV Shows basically playing Aunt Esther. But, she never tried to turn her Esther personality into a Summertime Variety Series, so suppose she can just bypass Purgatory...
"Italian-American Groups Protest The Sopranos." Ooh, and what else is in the News Today? Unrest In The Middle East, Perhaps? Politician Caught In Scandal?
Sign Your Life Probably Hasn't Turned Out For The Best; If you've ever had a Major Discussion over what the exact name of the grouchy octopus guy on SpongeBob Squarepants is.
A Bot on Battlebots with Everquest Stickers all over it? That has to be so much Technogeekdom in such a small area so as to cause some sort of Implosion.
And speaking of, Note to the people who run Battlebots; The girl in the tight, skimpy School Girl outfit explaining the Ins and Outs of BattleBotery? Absolute Stroke Of Genius. Any way we can have more of her, and less of the tin toy smashing?
Yeah, so the New York Lottery Numbers on 9/11 were 9-1-1. And the Standard And Poor Index closed at 911.00 on 9/10. Pure coincidence, because we're sure God and the 9/11 Victims have better ways to Send Us A Sign than to fuck with the Lotto or the Market.
Actually, we got this mental picture of God sitting up in Heaven going "Hey, guys! Watch me make 'em crap in their pants!(Makes Bewitched-like nose twitch at NY Lotto Machine). Okay, who wants to make bets on the Amount Church Attendance goes up this week?".
The really sick part of this story; So many people played the numbers 9-1-1 that the NY Lotto Machines wouldn't let any more people buy cards with that number on them. Over 5600 people ended up with 500 bucks each. Probably just enough money to clean the eggs and spraypaint off their houses.
Nickelodeon reports that the premiere episode of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius did so well that it actually bumped SpongeBob Squarepants down to second in the ratings. And we can't imagine why it did so, except maybe the fact that every station with even the most tenuous connection to Nick has been whoring Jimmy Neutron for what seems like years, and people tuned in because of what amounts to Mass Hypnosis.
"Dear U.N. We've had plenty of time to hide all our Weapons Of Mass Destruction. Please feel free to send over any Inspectors. Signed, Iraq.".
Note to the Fox Broadcasting Company; "Fox Box"? Someone thought "Fox Kids" wasn't a hip enough name for your cartoon block, and thought swiping a line from Green Eggs and Ham was better?
Balthayzr is alternately a Left and Right Winger, depending on which will piss off more people at any given time.