July 24th, 2000
|July 31st, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Year Two of Schizotricha. No new name. No new gimmick. No new anything. Pretend to be shocked and surprised.
So, the reason that Britney Spears wears all those little tops is not to look sexy, but so she won't sweat as much? Then we're to assume that the reason she has her pants unbuttoned in all those posters is so she can quickly change her clothes when they get all sweaty, right?
Is there a name for the point in an actor's career when he isn't getting a lot of calls for movie parts, and decides to do Children's Films as a "Change Of Pace"?
Are we supposed to be more impressed and influenced by a commercial that's shown 3 times during a 5-commercial break?
Wouldn't a Hollow Man actually just be a bag of flesh laying around with no bones or organs or muscles?
Maybe all the Hate and Hacker sites wouldn't get as much traffic and attention if the news shows and magazines wouldn't do features on them twice a week.
Your life probably hasn't turned out the way it should have if you're doing anything in a casino besides betting, or watching your employees help folks bet, huge sums of cash.
Why all the complaints about commercials shown before movies? There's been commercials in movies for years. They're called Product Placements.
"The War Next Door is an original, fresh Sit-com!" :translation: "We wanted to do a Spy Vs. Spy TV show, but we didn't feel like paying Mad Magazine any residuals."
Incoming Clue Alert: When any, and we mean ANY, Special Interest Group talks about your Right To Vote, and goes to great lengths to register voters, it's so you and the others can vote the way the Group wants you to vote.
Because it sure is worth paying big bucks to go to a Live Sporting Event so we can spend the whole day staring at the back of some idiot's banner.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Having finally settled their creative differences and settled various outstanding lawsuits, the Cattanooga Cats will re-form and go back on tour. Also, TV Networks will discover how cheap, and popular, Reality Shows are, and will introduce an entire season of shows based on Cameras secretly installed in the houses of random people.
Remember the next time you suffer an inconvenience and mutter "There oughta be a law", is that it's thinking like that that's caused 99.9% of the world's Bureaucracy and Dictatorships.
Maybe the Devil would have an easier time taking the souls of all Mankind if he didn't telegraph his intentions with all these Signs like some bad James Bond villain...
Not that we don't feel sadness and sympathy for long-time wrestling announcer Gordon Solie's death from cancer, but hopefully this'll be a lesson to people: Maybe you should go to see a doctor long before that suspicious lump gets to be the size of a softball.
Avoid any web-based "news" source that calls itself a "Zine". Believe us, you'll be a lot happier.
Oh, almost forgot. As a web-based semi-news source, we are obligated by Law to mention Napster at least once. There.
Uh, 2K1? Thanks, Sega, for finding a way to make an overused, cliched expression even *more* unbearable.
Maybe tossing red paint, or otherwise ruining a person's fur coat, isn't the best way to stop people from wearing fur. Mainly because the person, or his/her insurance company, is just going to purchase another one, and thus increase demand...
If elected President, we promise to introduce legislation that will set a permanent number of times any movie can be remade. And anyone remaking a classic film will have to prove they're bringing something fresher to the table than simply putting in modern throw-away references in the script.
Because if you have time to post an Apology on your web site for the lack of updates, you have time to actually update it...
Any particular reason, besides the obvious fact that it makes you buy more wiper fluid, that modern Windshield Wiper Fluid Squirters are so powerful that they shoot about half of the fluid up over the top of your car?
By all means, cut off that funeral procession. The deceased has nowhere special to go, and the family of the departed surely won't mind waiting a few extra minutes so you can get to Burger King a few seconds faster.
And it's about time Cops finally gave coverage to that under-reported crime....Shoe Beatings.
It's an interesting commentary on the times when we hear news of someone being robbed on the street of a large amount of cash/valuables, and our first reaction is "What was he doing, carrying that much money around with him?".
Incoming Clue Alert: There is *no* gift item on earth that costs 20 bucks and will look like you spend $300. Take our word for it, we've looked.
Taking the word "United" out of "United Paramount Network" is supposed to accomplish what, again?
Of course, we suppose taking one word out is a lot less effort than putting decent shows *in*...
Because we know we want our 15 minutes of Fame to involve us standing behind a reporter, jumping around and making faces, while he does a Live Report on some tragedy.
If we've learned anything from watching wrestling, it's to always, always wear a cup.
Was it ever cute or amusing to have a Product Mascot run for President? God, we hope not.
Balthayzr writes this column simply Because He Can.