Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

Remember people, you become what you resist...

I love to shop at those warehouse stores, like the Price Club. It's the only place in the world where you can buy 4 boxes of cereal, 10 gallons of milk, 8 pounds of sausages, a 20 pound block of cheese, and 100 rolls of toilet paper without looking like a glutton who can't wipe himself properly...

And please join me in the campaign to get bulk stores to sell roses and open up an express lane for people with 30 items or less...

Isn't it about time for the Leaning Tower of Pisa to fall because of an earthquake?

Pet peeve #4,912: When you ask someone what they did and they reply, "saw a movie." They know the inevitable follow-up question is "what movie?" Why not just say, "saw [movie name]," because it'll cut down on a lot of unnecessary oxygen use...

"The Best of SNL: 1998-99" wasn't, and it was seventy-five minutes too long...

Remember when SNL movies were based on semi-popular characters? SUPERCRAP!

I've heard that potatoes are a highly erotic food...

For all you Islamic people out there who'll be celebrating the month long Fast of Ramadan in December, here's a little loophole for you: Since you have to fast from sun up to sun down, get a job where you work the night shift so that all your fasting will be done while you sleep...

Have you ever seen someone buy floss?

I've been told there's a problem when it comes to making orange juice from frozen concentrate and time is short. Wasn't this the reason why blenders and blowtorches were invented?

Am I the only Catholic who gets aroused when he eats "the body of Christ?"

You know, I'm sick and tired of people judging me...

You smell that? That's the sweet, sweet smell of fresh sex...

From the too stupid to make up file: I was in one of those 98 Cent stores last week and a guy, probably in his late forties, asked a stock boy how much the toothpaste he was holding cost. Can someone please explain why the police had a problem with me running the guy down with my car?

You want a piece of the king?!

Christina Aguilera needs to be bent over a genie bottle and rubbed the wrong way...

DON'T JUDGE ME!

I love going to the zoo and having the monkeys throw feces at me because it gives me an excuse to shoot them with the pellet gun I sneaked in under my shirt. Is that wrong?

Three HOO-HAs for that magnificent actor Al Pacino.

Who'd have thought homeless Vietnam vets would get touchy if you yelled "NAM!" at them?

You know what's worse than those people who live life in the fast lane? Those people who live life in the carpool lane, because not only do they want to endanger their life by driving fast, they're willing to endanger the lives of 2 or more other people...

drunks@homegame.org thinks potatoes are watching him...THEY HAVE EYES!

Return to HGNews