Schizotrichia by Armondo Bonds

September 27, 1999
September 20, 1999
September 13, 1999
September 06, 1999
August 30, 1999
August 23, 1999
August 16, 1999
August 09, 1999
August 02, 1999
July 26, 1999

October 04, 1999

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

In honor of the Garth "I need to hide my Multiple Personality Disorder behind a fabricated character" Brooks, this week's Schizotrichia will be written by Armondo Bonds.

Always wear sunscreen and use KY-Jelly...

I went to Wal-Mart and saw a sign in the electronics department that read, "Pre-order your 'Garth Brooks as Chris Gaines' album here." I was very tempted to spend my entire day at the store so I could kick anyone pre-ordering that album in the nutzzzzzz!

Golf is a totally ray-tarded "sport," but I just want to tell the Ryder's Cup European team to stop their whining because the U.S. KICKED THEIR PANSY EURO ASSES!

You know what I really appreciate? Those musical groups that like to put sirens in their songs. Because there's nothing that will make you shit your pants better than driving over the speed limit with your radio on and hearing sirens!

Is it just me, or are people frustrating?

Did Dan Quayle really think he had a chance? Because if he seriously thought that, that's funnier than all the stupid things he's collectively done...

And do you think Marilyn Quayle ever contemplates killing herself over being married to a grade-A mo-ron who's a quitter? Because you know she hears enough about it from her friends and family to drive her over the edge...

Is there anything worse than a bee sting on the crotch?

For all you tele-marketers: I'M STILL ASLEEP AT 8AM! You don't have to call me to ask if I'm interested in buying your damn newspaper, because I'm NOT! Why don't you start at the top of your list with the "A"s and work down to the "U"s? Don't try to be creative and start at end of the alphabet, you FUCKERS!

I hear the Brits have lifted their ban on gays, which is a surprise to me since I never thought they had such a ban, what with their pansy ass army and everything...

I've said it a thousand times before, and I'll say it again. There is nothing wrong with being pro-abortion because it's population control...

What's the deal with pantyhose? I doubt they're very warm, and if you wanna show off your legs, then just show them. Also, because they're so stretchy it's a pain to rip them off with your teeth...

Caught REM on "Sesame Street" thanks to a tele-marketer, and "Furry Happy Monsters" is...well, it's there on video tape, saved for posterity...

Andy Kaufman is still alive and living in Southern Florida with Elvis Presley...

I've caught several episodes of Maury Povich's show, and I am confident in saying that it is the primary place of congregation for all human disfigurement...

That Dame Edna is HOT!

So I'm up early for some reason, and I catch Regis and Kathy Lee. The ray-tard phone trivia house-frau says she keeps herself busy by taking computer classes, but when Kathy Lee asks if she knows the difference between megabytes and gigbytes, the lady says she hasn't learned that yet. Apparently having cybersex in vampire chat rooms is now considered as "taking computer classes." I knew there was a reason why I always slept in until noon. SHOOT ME!

Reliable sources tell me that fear leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, and suffering leads to FUN!

Who was the fucking genius that decided to put Louie Anderson in the host position of "Family Feud."

Robert Deniro owns a great restaurant and was pretty good in "Jackie Brown," especially in that scene when he bent Bridget Fonda over the kitchen counter and did naughty things...


WNNNNNNNNNNNNBC... needs to buy some roses in bulk.

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