Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Read the one-liners that all of Hollywood's hottest writers will be stealing! Continue on at your own risk!
Car surfing - a group of kids sits on the front hood of a car as one of their friends drives the car at a high speed and then slams on the brakes. I would like to personally thank Dan Rather for bringing this trendy new thrill stunt to my attention and livening up my weekends...
There's something about Steve Buscemi...
The Iron Giant, that's what I call my penis...
People who eat oranges in enclosed, public places should be shot...
George Lucas loves midgets...
Guns don't kill people, HMOs do...
So what if I only use waterbeds because I think springs from a conventional matress will break through and stick me in the heart?
Why doesn't cereal come with a toy in the box anymore? These days you have to collect an insane amount of UPCs and send them in with shipping and handling money to get your crap toy...
I do not advocate giving poisoned food to homeless people to put them out of their misery...
It's SHARK WEEK!
Note to co-workers: Making your computer say, "I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that," when there's an error is not a new thing. It's especially not something you need to eagerly call me over to experience...
What is so damn fancy about McDonald's fancy ketchup?
30% of people sing in the shower, 10% masturbate in the shower, then there's a talented 1% of us that do both...
Is there anything creepier than the guy on the Operation game board who has no genitals?
Office shootings, the work of Dilbert or too many office birthday parties?
Dear LL Cool J, "Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin?" Your lyrical well is officially dry, get in line behind Snow, Vanilla Ice, and MC Hammer...
Am I the only person who gets aroused when watching MST3K?
Fast food isn't fast, and it isn't food...
"What is a crack whore, Alex" is not said enough on Jeopardy...
Elmer's Glue uses it's demonic minotaur logo to sell satanism to pre-schoolers...
The penny is the bastard child of the monetary world. Unwanted and unloved...
Just because you don't shovel well doesn't mean you can't be a superhero...
Irony can be very ironic at times...
drunks@homegame.org refuses to be a lover or a fighter because they both hurt too much.