Welcome to the first installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA. Each new article will deliver the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. In addition, every piece reveals a great deal on the human condition and will have life changing consequences. Continue on at your own risk; hopefully, you'll take as much out of it as I do when writing it.

"The Simpsons" is still one of the funniest programs on television...

My local McDonald's just switched from full serve to the self serve system where they give you a cup, and you fill it at a soda machine yourself. It's like I'm having a physical or donating sperm. Is there any way to make the fast food eating experience less enjoyable? And how lazy are these fast food workers getting?

How is the death of JFK Jr. and the Bessette sisters a tragedy? What did these people do to make them so important?

Burger King has the best french fries...

Velcro must be the single best invention this century...

People who commit incest should not be respected...

When did action figures just start being figures?

David Cone's prefect game proves that baseball is the most boring sport created...

Why does Microsoft bother with advertising?

Britney Spears is the Debbie Gibson of the 90's...

What is a scissor? The scissors we know and love are a pair of them, but what are they and what were they used for before someone realized to put two of them together?

There are at least 3 dedicated, all news cable stations...

Ray-tards make for the best entertainment, just watch MTV...

Bring me the head of the man responsible for the resurgence in evil shark movies...

William H. Macy is an awesome actor...

Ricky Martin is gay...

Will scientists ever be able to improve on toilet paper?

The person who invented the paper clip is a genius...

The biggest scam of the millennium: higher education - you pay thousands to stay up late, be forced to read countless books, take tests, and if lucky, fail...

At least if you fail, you have official documentation you're a failure...

The "Blair Witch Project" will be the rags-to-riches story of the year...

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