Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

Not enough people use opera glasses and wear tuxes to pro wrestling matches...

There is no reason to get someone flowers because they die. The practical solution is to give a Glade Plug-in because they smell as good, can be refilled, and if you splurge, have a night light...

In an alternate universe, "Titanic" was a bomb...

We should immediately work to expunge all the people who think pet owners should be guardians because that's exactly how earth will become a planet where apes evolved from MAN!

So why all the kissing and stuff in porn movies? Am I to believe these people really care about each other?

This year's Emmy Awards and pre-show were awesome because you got to see Jimmy Smits die sooooo many times...

And thank God "Letterman" won for Outstanding Variety Series, because if Leno won, I'd have to go punk someone's ass with a wrench and shoot up NBC studios...

But you know what? I HATE THAT FUCKING THEME MUSIC FROM "THE PRACTICE!" What's with the goddamn horns and laser sounds?! EAT MY SHIT KELLEY!

NOBODY better watch "The Martin Short Show" because I will not hesitate to spend money hiring ninjas and hit men to whoop your ass...

When was the last time you hugged a tree?

The Exploratorium in San Francisco, California is just a kick ass place to spend a day...

DO NOT jokingly use pubic hairs to floss your teeth because women don't think it's funny...

I've been told that a plot by a novice against expert plotters is never 100% successful, and that they should watch their backs...

How lazy are we as a society? We have power windows and locks. How lazy are you that you can't to roll down a window or lift/push down a door lock? Everyone is so concerned with losing weight, yet they refuse to use up a few calories a day by using manual locks and windows. People, stop hiding your laziness behind a veil of convenience...

A sore throat hurts...

Do you think beastiality is looked down upon in the animal world?

Note to all dentists: If you don't want people to be reluctant when to get their wisdom teeth pulled, rename them to something that people would want removed, like "idiot teeth," "ray-tard teeth," or "IRC channel moron teeth."

I bet so many women wouldn't get yeast infections if they didn't pleasure themselves with bread sticks...

Don't you think that when you have to pay for shipping AND handling, you should get to voice what kind of handling you want. I'd pay extra for a hot babe to rub my items between her items, ifyaknow what I mean...

Chase Masterson needs to be bent over a conn station and energized repeatedly with an "Ispep" bottle...

DON'T JUDGE ME!

Kevin Spacey is one fabulous actor who isn't gay and does an awesome Christopher Walken impression...

SUCKER!

Can you believe drunks@homegame.org beat out a million other sperm?

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