Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

Gosh, I can't believe after so many years Hollywood is still churning out quality TV programming like "Viper"...

Sources high up in the government tell me the sun is hot...

But I bet it's total disinformation...

Someone please explain to me again why 12 year olds own pagers?

I'm surprised no one has been doing studies on the effects of using a laptop on your lap with respect to sperm count and genital shrinkage...

Did you know that the names Mulder and Scully are said a total of 1,121 times in "The X-Files" movie?

You know what every guy needs to hear? That they sound eerily like their girlfriend's ex-lover, because that's not FREAKY AT ALL!

DO NOT pour concentrated hydrochloric acid on your genitals "for fun"...

You know what sucks? When someone uses that ATM card you never use to remove $2100 from your bank account...

Why is it that the people who use special, fancy, stand-alone HTML editing programs always have the worst looking pages?

WEAK!

You know what's good fun? Go to an adult movie theater with a spray bottle filled with warm lotion, then squirt it all over other people during the movie...

Are you watching "Action" like you're supposed to be?

I used to think all of this Y2K "end of the world" stuff was total crap, but now I'm starting to believe, having seen that Jennifer Love Hewitt's new TV series will actually air...

You know what I can't get enough of? People from UCLA or USC that feel the need to cream both their pants and the denizens of entire newsgroups when they see a TV show that was filmed on their campus. Honestly, I could use a few more posts that say, "That scene where the guy was walking in that hallway...that was filmed at MY SCHOOL!"

"Snoops'" Paula Marshall needs to be bent over the Pivenator and "privately investigated."

DON'T JUDGE ME!

If you find yourself at a wedding reception, DO NOT congratulate the groom by saying, "You've married a great girl, and she's fantastic in BED!"

Jenny McCarthy, what the fuck happened to her?

Remember when it used to be a sin for Catholics to eat meat on Fridays? Boy, it must suck for those people burning in hell now because they ate meat on Fridays, especially since it's no longer a sin...

So why do we continue to label toilet paper as bathroom tissue? Bathroom tissue makes it sounds like it's used regularly for a number of other purposes aside from wiping your ass...

And what is so wrong with getting your jerk on to photos of yourself?

Richard Belzer is one bad mamma-jamma of a cynical conspiracy theorist and one cool actor, especially when it comes to playing Detective Munch...

drunks@homegame.org has a stunt double who's waiting to be killed in Illinois.

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