Schizotrichia by Rod Unks

October 11, 1999
October 04, 1999
September 27, 1999
September 20, 1999
September 13, 1999
September 06, 1999
August 30, 1999
August 23, 1999
August 16, 1999
August 09, 1999
August 02, 1999
July 26, 1999

October 18, 1999

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

I think anal sex is wrong...

But I don't judge those that enjoy it...


Only make bomb threats when you're at the police station and don't want to use your one call to contact your lawyer...

The quality of programming on the Fox News Channel and MSNBC proves that no news, is good news...

ALWAYS bet on black...

The Renaissance Pleasure Faire seems to be in town again, and I am once again disappointed that they refuse to acknowledge the excitement that was the plague...

Hey, come to the faire!

I hear sex was invented to take care of the lulls in conversation....

To that lady breast feeding in the mall: Don't yell at me for staring at your breast! You're the one with it dangling out in the open, you WHORE!

And to that mall security guard: What's the big deal if I want to masturbate in the book store to "The New Joy of Sex?"

Feeling depressed? Go to a graveyard be happy that YOU'RE NOT DEAD!

Unlike most people, I enjoy getting that jury duty notice in the mail. Coming up with fun and creative ways to scam my way out of jury duty reminds me of those good old days of school...

Yes, I get bored easily...

However, I never get bored enough to do something about it, just bored enough to complain about being bored...

An opposable thumb makes getting your jerk on so much easier...

Why did Ted Turner think it was a good idea to "re-make" that primatexplotation "Lancelot Link?"

Jerry Springer's Final Thoughts...what is THAT about?

Have I mentioned that Jay Mohr is great in "Action" and can do a cool Christopher Walken impression?

What the fuck happened to Hanson?

The Archie's comic guy needs to bend Melissa Joan Hart over his lap and use a witch's wand on that nice ass...


The new bat movie coming out reinforces the fact that guano is very important to making the world go 'round...


Over the past few days, I have received a startling number of e-mails, most of which have had the stench of Eau De Mockery on them. Each mail had it's own personal touch, mainly in the form of fun insults ranging from "You're a gerbil fucking, pencil dicked, father murdering, mother marrying, STD carrying prostitute who can suck my slim jim, you godless ass pirate of a freak," to "Will you marry me?" Despite their variable insults, they all said the same basic thing which is exemplified by the eloquent message sent by

"Hahahaha. You dipshit! You said a quake would hit the tower of pizza, but it hit LA! You were waaaaay off on that, cockmuncher."

Allow me to retort to all my fans. The art of predicting the future is difficult, and I'm very new at it. It's true, I didn't read all the books in my prognostication class, opting instead for Cliffs Notes. And no, I didn't finish at the top of my class, but I also wasn't at the very bottom. It's very difficult to interpret the portents delivered by the universe or to understand the voices coming from my neighbor's dog; it's not my fault it has a lisp. Just bear with me, okay? Clearly when I said, "Isn't it about time for the Leaning Tower of Pisa to fall because of an earthquake?" in last week's article, "the Leaning Tower of Pisa" was misinterpreted and really meant "an Amtrak train in the desert near the Hector Mine." Also, "to fall" was actually supposed to be "to derail." Please excuse my errors and accept my apologies if I caused any trouble for you or your families. now has twice the absorbency and wings!

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