|March 13th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: as we celebrate the holiday with green beer, green-dyed foods and various articles of green clothing, one truly Spiritual Question comes to mind: How much of this green crap can one be safely exposed to before it becomes carcinogenic?
Because "Raising The Mammoth" doesn't sound like the name of a porn movie AT ALL.
How come, in series from He-Man and BraveStarr to the Power Rangers, they would never bother to arrest the bad guys after stopping their little plots? How bloody hard was is to find Snake Mountain, for chrissakes?.
Note to Cartoon Network: Nice name for the new channel, Boomerang. You know what a boomerang is, don't ya? It's something that you toss out and, if you're not careful, it comes back and smacks you upside the head.
And as long as we have your attention, the Cartoon Campaign 2000 thing was funny for about 3 minutes, thank you very much.
If Baywatch and other beach-related series are any indication, Breast implants can be used as a Floatation Device.
The Pope has decided, on behalf of all Catholics, to apologize for all the "sins" that have been committed in the name of the religion. Survivors of the Roman Empire, meanwhile, are still drafting the resolution to apologize for the whole Gladiator/Lion bit.
Besides the obvious foot fetish angle (which we refuse to even discuss) is there a reason why photo layouts with Big Celebrities are sometimes done with the Big Star barefoot?
Not to be a prude or anything, but is it a reflection of the times when shows like Murder She Wrote, in which the whole idea of the show is someone being violently killed, are rated TV-G?
If living on the Net has done nothing else, it's been a cheap series of typing lessons.
Look, what does it matter if your kids read Harry Potter, or Goosebumps, or Gaming Magazines? They're READING, for pete's sake!
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: People will discover a weekly column containing snappy one-liners and .sig fodder, and come to worship it's authors with cash gifts and virgin sacrifices.
St. Patrick's Day: Because it just Fine to dredge up stereotypes about the Irish.
And seeing Apollo "Living Anime Character" Smile doing ditzy movie promos on The Movie Channel surely wasn't proof that there is no God. But it might be proof that He just doesn't give a rat's ass, sometimes.
There's a big difference between you not reading the small print in a sales ad and Deceptive Advertising.
Are we supposed to be fooled by Infomercials that pretend to be an installment of a Weekly Talk Show?
A lot of employers are running the names of potential employees through DejaNews to see what kind of person they are. Something to keep in mind next time you post a request for Sailor Moon nudes.
It's interesting to watch the original "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" on Comedy Central, then watch the current ABC incarnation, and wonder how soon after the original series did the comics invest their residuals in crystal meth.
"I don't care what you say or think." A sure sign that this person will follow-up on every newsgroup posting you make for the next 6 years.
Note to the HacKeR Coolio: You know, most people wait a few weeks, at least, after being charged with a crime before they go out and commit it again. Going straight home from the police station and doing it again is a bit of bad form.
The Sims: For those who can't or won't get away from the computer long enough to have a real life, here. Watch pretend people have one, instead.
M*A*S*H Syndrome: The point in a sit-com's life in which it starts to take itself way too seriously, and actually becomes a drama sprinkled with occasional jokes. See: Boy Meets World, Grace Under Fire.
Kids WB: Don't care for Pokemon? That's OK, wait a few minutes and Pokemon will be on.
Note to Sports Illustrated: About the 3-D Swimsuit Issue? Here's your Award for managing to make a cheap, tacky circulation booster even more cheap and tacky.
We object to the fact that Ed Wood Jr has this cult following, yet the genius of Coleman Francis and William Castle goes largely ignored.
It's nice to see Richard Moll picking up the character roles formerly played by the Late Richard Kiel.
You want to know why kids seem to be getting less of an education? Because 90% of Mondays and Fridays seem to be School Holidays of some sort.
Is it just us, or is Country Music nowadays just Rock-N-Roll played on steel guitars?
Why is it necessary to elect a Pope that's elderly? We don't think that's what religious dogma means by "Being Close to God.".
We're still trying to figure out the connection between fatal amounts of chocolate and the Resurrection of Jesus.
Rumor has it that the WWF will be moving RAW and related programs to TNN, just in time for TNN's "Image Relaunch". Good, because 10 hours a week of wrestling-related programming surely will dispel that redneck image.
Balthayzr celebrates St. Patrick's Day by putting a fresh coating of Green Copper on the Bunker.