Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: We risk the wrath of a multitude of post-menopausal women by making remarks about their Goddess, Oprah the Sanctimonious. And some other random stuff to keep the lawyers in business.

Note to Oprah: Nothing makes us want to watch your new Oxygen channel more than the vertigo-inducing camera work from the Grand Opening Media Party.

And, is it some "Grrrl" thing that Oxygen seems to be broadcasting at about 1000 decibels louder than the rest of our cable channels?

Beijing has taken Cartoon Network off their list of Approved Channels. And it's about time, because we all know the Herculoids are just a Tool of Capitalism, and that Speed Buggy's gears are greased with the blood of the Workers.

Incoming Clue Alert: There's a lot more to an exercise regime than just handing Bally's a check every six months.

Because it's completely Old School to give any sort of useful Product Information in a commercial.

Sci-Fi Channel has finally cancelled Sliders. No word on any Beard-Growing or orders to Get Off The Line.

100,000 Newsgroups and nothing's on.

Vince McMahon is reportedly starting his own Football League, called the XFL. Meetings are still being held to decide whether Clotheslining will be legal or not.

Because it makes perfect sense to build a new Strip Mall right down the street from several others that are 3/4 empty.

When people say something tastes like shit, do you ever wonder how they came across that point of reference?

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: A hacker will develop a program that allows for Online Shop-Lifting.

New Government licensing has demanded that EverQuest, Asheron's Call and other Online RPGs be sold by shabbily-dressed men hiding out in abandoned buildings, and that they be packaged in dime bags. They will be known collectively by their street name, Divorce-In-A-Box.

Remember, you can say any nasty thing about anyone you want, as long as the words "allegedly" "It's been reported...." or "Rumor has it that..." appear in the sentence somewhere.

We completely believe that The Godfather is just portraying a colorfully-dressed man who happens to hang around with many beautiful women that have an immodest taste in attire.

The Weather Channel. Because we just can't get enough info about the typhoon hitting Abu Dhabi.

Thank heaven the magazine companies care enough about our mental well-being to remind us to re-subscribe to a magazine we subscribed to 4 months ago.

Never let the facts get in the way of a good joke.

Incoming Clue Alert: Rush Limbaugh weighs about 195 pounds now. All you Political Commentators might want to find another reason to disagree with him besides "He's a Fat-Ass".

Uh oh. We spoke of Rush in a non-insulting way. Guess that means Schizo is now Official Hate Speech^TM.

S Club 7. For people who found N'Sync and the Spice Girls too intellectual.

You know the next President is going to be changing the sheets at the White House one day and find a bunch of stained Hustlers and Penthouse Forums under the mattresses.

And that they're going to be Hillary's.

Congress is voting on the new M*A*S*H* Television Series Bill, that states that any series with less than 50% of it's original cast left must be taken off the air or re-titled to prevent confusion.

Note to Oprah: No, you don't look like anything less than a Strong Woman on your web-site commercial, where you bang randomly on the keyboard, call the mouse-pad a "coaster", and ask if anyone knows where the World Wide Web is.

Because we all know the kind of crap Mattel would catch if they made a Barbie that did those things.

We're certain the reason cheat codes like Unlimited Ammo and God Mode exist isn't so you get bored with the game faster, and thus run out to buy new games more often.

Incoming Clue Alert: You might want to take all the pirated software and porn off your computer before taking it in for repairs.

Of course Benoit, Guerrero, Malenko, and Saturn going to the WWF spell the death of WCW. Because we all know how the WWF folded after Hall, Nash, Heenan et al left for WCW.

McMahon's XFL should do swimmingly, because Vinnie's other non-wrestling business ventures, like the World Bodybuilding League and the WWF Casino, are all doing so well.

Could we have the Heelish Jerry Lawler back in exchange for the Bobby Heenan-Lite one we have now?

Balthayzr is traveling to Japan to see the 3rd Pokemon movie, because he heard it might be a Snuff Film.

Return to HGNews