Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: A super special, magnum sized Exoticon edition of Schizotrichia jam packed with in-jokes and other stuff!

"Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan" had to be a dream come true for all those pedophiles who were into beastiality...

Hey, respect the DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Remember, jealously and anger are healthy and normal things that can make you KILL!

You know, when you're realllllllllly drunk, you DO NOT want to take to the dance floor, talk to someone that doesn't want to talk to you, or hit on the laaaaaadies, because all those things ensure your entry into the Shit Faced Monkey Ass Hall of Fame and provide others tons of in-jokes...

There's no easier way to mix a drink than just making it 50/50...

Apparently it's not a good thing when the front desk calls you at 9am to tell you that your credit card didn't authorize...

If your soufflé is overcooked, you should DEMAND SATISFACTION!

Denny's is such crap. Where are the fucking fried oyster appetizers or the waiters that put the napkin on your lap for you?!

Not to mention they only provide you with one fork. ONE!

For a guy to be considered doughy, he shouldn't be in, or below, his ideal weight range...

Why would a store sell fancy, edible soap made from coconuts and fruit?

There's nothing finer than staying sober and watching a bunch of people get drunk...

Who would have thought a sex shoppe on Bourbon Street would have a "Masturbation Kit?"

No one should have to sleep on a filthy floor...

Pssst, there are no capes or swords involved in Iron Chef...

I'm sure fried dough covered in powdered sugar is totally healthy...

There's only one acceptable tip for the maids when you leave a hotel, and that's lots and lots of boooooze...

It's been said that blisters and mosquito bites are no fun...

Remember kids, you should work hard to find that person who luuuuuuvs you like a pig loves corn...

There's no better party than just sitting on a couch watching TV...and I'm lying again...

People should only smoke when they drink, and only if they do it in one of those HOT femme fatale kind of ways with a come hither look, but that's just me being silly...

No one really needs to know about a visit to a Mexican strip club where you're able to lick your finger and rub a dancers nipples...

It's all about the interactive, multimedia convention panel...

If you're from Russia and drive a cab, be careful of big black bouncers who used to play pro football...

The HomeGame gals need to be bent over a Hurricane and Ralzed...

OOOOOOOOO, JUDGE ME YOU NAUGHTY FREAKS! JUDGE ME HARD AND LONG! JUDGE ME TILL I BLEED AND CAN'T BE JUDGED ANYMORE!

Supposedly dreadlocks are sooooo Hollywood and a belly button ring, well, that's just sex-xay...

Everyone deserves to have that one wonderful person who adds meaning and importance to their life, someone that gives them a reason to look forward to the day and want to live every moment to its fullest, a special person who embraces their faults and adds strength to their weaknesses. And when I say everyone, that includes The Duca and The Ralz. It's sad really...

I hear quince is also known as "the hornmelon"...

Can you believe we live in a world where Mahir gets his own merchandise?

That is so damn depressing and makes me question whether life is even worth living...

Someone tells me gambling is damn addictive, and I believe the slots at casinos are TOTALLY random...

Kids, there is no subtle way to look at women's cleavage, so don't do it. Do not even attempt it, lest ye be mocked...

If you ever plan to ride in the back of a pick-up at night, bring sunglasses because headlights are a bitch!

I hear people are often battling between "alone time" and "us time"...

You shouldn't go around hugging women you vaguely know out of the blue, because it looks sad and desperate. Not to mention it's not smoooooooth. In fact, it's downright creepy, sleezy, and should get you a shoe beating with 4 inch fuck-me heels...

What's the deal with public displays of affection? No one needs to see you SUCK FACE with some huuuuuuuge chick in a leather one-piece...

Then again maybe I'm being too superficial, because I hear that'll happen...

You don't want to try and merge into a lane that has a semi-truck barreling down it, because that would be bad...

Wesley SNIPES has one cool answering system called Wildfire and is an ack-shun STAR who's tight with James Hong...

And you know you're not gonna have as good a time as you thought at a convention if you don't get laid...

Or if your last name starts with a D, ends with an A, and has the initials for the University of California in the middle...

Any black man that looks like a short Levar Burton should not be allowed to repeatedly say, "YEAH BAY-BEE, YEAH!" like he was Austin Powers...

You should only climb wallz if you're wearing tights with a spider web pattern on them...

What's the deal with the unrequited love?

Could I get MORE bread at fancy restaurants, because two people can easily finish off a massive basket of bread and butter and still have room for three courses...

Why don't planes crash when you're on them and want them to?

Booze makes me sleepy...

Little jazz trios that make you sing in a restaurant aren't surprisingly all too bad...

If you have lots of geeks in your room for extended periods of time, don't let any of them remove their shoes unless you have lots of air freshener and Lysol. Also, don't doubt the guy with the sensitive olfactory organ or think he's odd when he detects the smallest amount of STENCH or germs!

There's only one way to wear a watch - with the face down on your wrist...

More men need to move other guys out of the way to check out HomeGame women's asses...

If you're a guy giving oral sex, DO NOT yell "HAIL LABIA MAJORA" when you're down there...

Pelvic thrusting and lots of kicking will automatically make you a hit on the dance floor, even if you are David E. Kelley and like to watch a certain group of people eat their food in a hotel restaurant...

Making a quiver for your arrows out of a dead cat IS NOT respecting the Cat...

But if you really want to make a cat quiver, make sure it's cold by shaving off all its hair. Meeee-oww...

If you weigh over 400 pounds, you really should not wear tight leather or anything revealing to a costume ball. In fact, please wear as much clothing as possible, I suggest an Old Navy polar fleece, a nice angora or cashmere sweater, very loose fitting jeans, and a ski mask...

What's the deal with the booty call? That's so 80s...

Hey, who wants to go visit hell on Earth again in July when it moves to St. Louis?

Note: This will be last Schizotrichia for a while unless someone decides to pick up the slack and update it with their own personal thoughts...because it's so hard to do. I'll be taking the next few weeks, or months, or something like that to go ponder things, prepare for the Y2K apocalypse (AKA The Will-ennium), and take care of isss-uzes, which may or may not involve the placement of a Sig Sauer P226 around the immediate vicinity of my head.

drunks@homegame.org hates his lot in life and is the universe's Tantalus, but he doesn't have an iMac or a desire to climb wallz.

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