Schizotrichia by Rod Unks

November 01, 1999
October 25, 1999
October 18, 1999
October 11, 1999
October 04, 1999
September 27, 1999
September 20, 1999
September 13, 1999
September 06, 1999
August 30, 1999
August 23, 1999
August 16, 1999
August 09, 1999
August 02, 1999
July 26, 1999

November 08, 1999

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

Due to the popularity of October 18th's Schizotrichia, in which I took time to answer an e-mail regarding an earthquake, this week, I thought I'd publicly answer some of the e-mails I've received over the past few months. Also, if you'd like to yell at me in person or attempt to assassinate me, I, along with several other HGNews staffers will be making an appearance at New Orleans' Exoticon on November 19-21. We'll be speaking on our "Chicken Soup for the Smart-Ass Soul" panel starting at 1pm on Saturday and will sign autographs and pose for photos, as well as abuse audience members with vulgar insults.


Date: August 19, 1999
Subject: Scihzotricia
From: Jerry Pantameli (jerrypant@XXXXXX)

who doesn't wanna bend natale portman on a chair and do naughty things?

If you re-read the August 16th article, I never said that I wanted to bend "natale portman" over a chair; I said the prim and proper Queen Amidala. There is a distinct difference, because Queen Amidala DOES NOT attend Harvard University, get piss drunk at frat parties on Schnapps and sour mash, and find herself in gang bangs with the campus' biological honor society. Thank you for playing though.

Date: November 04, 1999
Subject: Pillow?
From: Adrian Atapine (kitten456@XXXXXX)

In your 11-01-99 article, you said, " knows that it's all about the pillow." What's the deal with the pillow?

It all comes down to deeper penetration and angles. Please remember to floss regularly and to respect the Cat.

Date: November 02, 1999
Subject: daylight saving
From: argos101@XXXXXX

u want 2 now what the goverment does with the "extra" light? They r working with "vampires" 2 "collect" the light that can "destroy" them. i say "vampires" b-cuz its blood drinking aleins and r like "vampires". The goverment helps them b-cuz all the "powerful" politic people r aleins 2. they will "collect" all the light so we won't have any to "fight" them.

Thank you for your "input" and for "answering" my question. Are you sure it was "safe" to write "me" though? Now that you've "brilliantly" uncovered the government's Byzantine "plot" to help "vampire aliens," isn't your life in "danger?" I suggest getting in touch with the "author" of HGNews' "Memo on Echelon" because he supposedly has "connections" and several "safe houses" where you can "hide."

Date: October 10, 1999
Subject: Bitter much?
From: Dmitri Boloshoveski (demitrib@XXXXXX)

Why are you so fucking bitter?

I wasn't always "so fucking bitter." No, at one point in my life I was only mildly bitter, and that was because my wife left me and took my dog and pick-up truck. I only reached the "so fucking bitter" level after people kept asking me why I was so bitter. It's a sad and dangerous positive-feedback loop, and you, Mr. Boloshoveski, are just enabling me. I hope you're fucking happy with yourself.

Date: October 28, 1999
Subject: X-Files Movie
From: Scullyfan8@XXXXXX

You said Scully and Mulder are said 1,121 times in the movie. I'm a HUGE fan (I met Chris Carter) and I counted it. Mulder and Scully are only said 163 times. I am sure because I checked 5 times and even had my roommate check twice. You should get your facts right before publishing them.


Date: November 05, 1999
Subject: You're a male pig
From: Lori Murphy (lgmurphy@XXXXXX)

Sir, if I should indeed call you that, I must take offense at your continued misogyny you display in your "articles." Continually you only highlight males as your "featured", my term, actors, while picking female stars that you'd like to "bend over" various objects. I'd like to take the time to now quote various passages from your past articles:

For the "New To Me" file: Women don't enjoy being called snatches or cunts, the latter guarantees several kicks to the groin... from 8-16

For you male college students: Arrive early and sit in the aisle seat. That way you can check out women's asses as they squeeze by to get a seat. Please remember to avert your eyes if a guy tries to squeeze past... from 8-23

I bet so many women wouldn't get yeast infections if they didn't pleasure themselves with bread sticks... from 9-13

Guys, if you want to break up with a girl without having the messy post-relationship clean-up, try this: Invite her over to watch a romantic movie at your place, put your arm around her at a romantic moment, then grab her hair, pull her head back, and whisper in her ear using the most psycho voice you can, "I'm gonna fuck you like a rabid dog." She'll struggle, and you'll let her get away because once she bolts out that door, you'll NEVER have problems with her again...
If she's into that, there's no reason why you should be breaking up with her in the first place... from 9-20

NEVER call a girl crazy when she's got the top position. In fact, if she's on top, you'd best shut your mouth and just thank God. The only time you can call a girl crazy is when you're behind her driving... 9-27

I was talking to a female friend the other day and she was upset that her now ex-boyfriend didn't break up with her in a creative way. Ladies, when a guy breaks up with you, the last thing he wants to do is waste time on coming up with a song, dance, and comedy routine with smoke and lasers that says he doesn't think you give good head... 9-27

To that lady breast feeding in the mall: Don't yell at me for staring at your breast! You're the one with it dangling out in the open, you WHORE! 10-18

As you can see, you have many instances of this, so it's not just a one time slip up. I suggest that you may want to seek some professional help by a qualified psychologist. Maybe a bit of Prozac will help you get over your hatred of women.

There are indeed many instances of "misogynistic" behavior because they are not slip ups. All of my misogynistic behavior is done on purpose. First, look at the photo at the top of the page; I'm a guy. Do I know what goes on in the tiny mind of women? No. I write about what I know, and that's guy stuff. If that's too much testosterone for you, I suggest you take a nice big swig of some "Ally McBeal" to balance out your hormone levels. And yes, I only highlight male actors because, like Hollywood, I recognize that they are the true talents and make the entertainment industry go 'round. After all, male actors can easily pull down a $20 million price tag for a film, whereas the top female actors can only pull in $15 million...quite sad. Also, I'm not gay, so I'm not bending guys over anything. It's also not my fault that you're obviously jealous that I have yet to mention bending you over things.

Honestly though, what disturbs me is your misandry. Look, I can't help it if you find something wrong with a person who's secure in their sexuality. I'm truly sorry if yeast-feasters, like yourself, can't stand to see a straight male talk about some dirty and nasty hetero sex. I think using me as your scapegoat for the fact that you can't get the high hard one, indicates your need to seek help. I suggest abusing the therapy offered by the denizens of the newsgroup. Also, Prozac is a KILLER, and I suggest you use either Zoloft or take the FREE test at

Date: October 29, 1999
Subject: SWEET!
From: Alan Chigea (chigger@XXXXXX)

YOU RULE! Your a REAL MAN! reading your articles gets my testatarone pumping. It makes me want to go out and rape some chick!

Much like hitting a woman, rape is wrong, but I don't judge you and your need to forcibly have sex with one. Only God can be blamed for the fact that you can't get a woman through more deceitful means, like using cheap lines, smooooth moves, or date rape drugs.

Date: November 02, 1999
Subject: First date in my whole life.
From: anna@XXXXXX

I have some news for you. I had my first date ever in my whole life this weekend, and the way it happened was so weird. Danny called in the middle of the night from Philadelphia, and he sounded kind of lonesome, but he didn't say that, I just heard it in his voice, so i left a note for mother, and I went to Penn Station in the middle of the night, well by that time it was early in the morning, and i took the train straight down to Philadelphia where i have been a bunch of times, because my Aunt Regina lives on the Main-Line, and I met Danny at the train station, and well, i went because he called me at three in the morning when i was up late not being able to sleep because of my crush on brian, and then danny and i started to talk, and it was so awesome, because he was not just really nice to me, but really honest and everything, very normal, and he said he was homesick, and I asked him what he missed the most, and he said everything, and i said, what the most, and he told me !! he missed pizza from ray's, and I said which one, and he said the original, so i bought him a pizza and took it to him on the train.

I got there early in the morning and we ate pizza in the train station and walked around all day, until we were both really tired, and then we went back to his apartment and slept all day. Yes, in the same bed, but not hugging, although I let my leg touch against his, and he didn't move it, and then woke up and had dinner with his two cool roommates, Emily and Trish, and then watched TV and I called home and left a message that i would be home in the morning, and then he took me all the way back to Aunt Regina's and we both chickened out on the kiss.

When i got home, the answering machine hadn't even been checked.

;-} it figures, ANNA

Hey, that's great! Your first date, eh? What are you 13, or 14? You a late bloomer? I remember when I was 13, I already had a respectable stable of hos, all clamoring for a beating with my size 8, velcro shoes. The laaaaadies often said to be beaten by my shoe would be a greater honor than fellating God himself with a holy water chaser, and I won't argue with that. I like to think it's the way I turn my wrist at the last second so the shoe gets some torque.

Anyway, you're seeing some guy who has 2 female roommates? What is he, in his 20s? You might want to think twice about dating someone who's 10 years older than you, because such a relationship is just SICK! You might as well be dating your dad. For future reference, "Ray's Pizza" is street slang for "what's in your pants." And if he's with two chicks, you know he's banging them. Are you ready to become the youngest member of the "Danny harem?" Also, what's the point of sleeping in the same bed as him if you ain't gonna GIT IT ON?! Maybe you should get him boozed up next time, because I hear that helps guys to get their groping moves on.

By the way, if you're gonna write an e-mail to someone, you should get the e-mail address right, especially if the person you accidentally send the mail to has every intention of mocking you in a public forum...SUCKER! will keep all e-mails private...unless he can use it to mock you.

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