|January 24th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We reveal the secret ingredient that gives Canned Pasta that delightful,
hunger-inducing Day-Glo Orange color, and other secrets of Modern Alchemy.
Only in America, and only on TNN, could we experience the joy and exhilaration of Extreme Bowling.
There's a new type of oven out that cooks up to 4 times faster due to the fact that it cooks with "light". In other words, they've re-invented the Easy Bake Oven.
Incoming Clue Alert: "Diversity" usually means "Not you, and not anyone like you".
There's a big difference between people liking you and people just tolerating your presence.
Incoming Clue Alert: A Cordless Phone is basically just a walkie-talkie with a phone attached. Thus, it might not be a good idea to use it for Banking or giving out your Credit Card Number.
So, what are the chances that Gore's "alleged" pot use will get the same media coverage as W. Bush's "alleged" cocaine use?
Gore. Bush. It's like deciding whether to have White or Wheat with your cheese sandwich.
OK, whoever invented Transitions, especially Musical Transitions, for web pages needs to step forward so they can be hurt properly.
Incoming Clue Alert: Boondocks is a comic strip that satirizes racist attitudes, both Black and White. It is *not* racist in and of itself. Maybe.
We're certain Barbra's Lifetime Achievement Award has *nothing* to do with her announced semi-retirement.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Internet will spawn a Self-Aware Group Intelligence that will amuse itself by hiding out in random small servers and writing the occasional rant column.
And, at this moment, Bobby Duncam, Jr. is sneaking into Heaven after clocking St. Peter with his cowbell....
Amazing how fast the WCW 7 became the WCW 5 became the WCW 4.
Always remember: When you're not around, people are talking about you and plotting against you.
And we mean Load in the most loving, respectful way possible.
You'll enjoy life a lot more if you learn the difference between Parody and Rip-Offs.
Don't be afraid to use public Laundromats. Because the person who used the machine right before you surely wasn't washing the world's largest collection of skid-marked undies and ancient hotel sheets...
Isn't it interesting that a couple of the witnesses against Microsoft in it's Antitrust trial are now part of one of the largest Media Empires that ever existed?
You can never have too many Video Game Systems.
And you know somebody has tried to pierce, or has actually pierced, their anus.
We don't care how old we are. We're buying the Quisp, and we're enjoying it.
Note to Cartoon Network: New series? Fine. How about Funny series, now?
The thing you have to remember about Tax Time is: You're not getting money from the Government. You're getting money *back* from the Government because they overtaxed you.
So, exactly who's idea was it for men to have beards, thus requiring them to spend the most unaware part of their day scraping just above a large selection of veins and arteries with a razor to get rid of it?
Scream 3: Another rule about the third movie of a trilogy is that the joke is long, long over.
So, who else misses the Blink HTML Tag?
Look, there is *no* subtle way to pick your nose in public. Not hiding behind a paper, not turning your back, nothing. So, knock it off before we demonstrate how there is also no subtle way to puke in public.
Oh, yes, nothing makes a woman sexier than protruding ribs, hipbones, and vertebra.
Wrestling Law #196: If you're over 6'10", you most likely have a Chokeslam and/or a Powerbomb in your list of moves.
Disney says Toy Story 2 was released to theatres because it was "too good for Direct-To-Video". Makes you want to run right out and rent Disney's other direct-to-video movies, doesn't it?
Balthayzr would like to thank his 3 readers for his Golden Globe Nomination for Best Random Pile of Crap.