|December 27th, 1999
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We wrap up the year/century/millennium/whatever up by handing out some leftover
Note To.... thingies. This is known as Beating a Dead Horse Into The Ground. And, of course, the usual
batch of brain drainage.
We obviously didn't get *everything* we wanted for Christmas, because there are still some folks walking around who can put a finger to their wrists and feel a pulse...
In everyone's life, there is a stoplight that stays green for about 3 seconds.
Where is that fine line between "sampling" and "stealing"?
Could someone call the Gov't and find out exactly when the Internet went from Amusing Toy to Basic Necessity Of Life That Rich People Are Hogging?
Never be afraid to ask for help. And never be afraid to take sole credit afterwards.
What if all the Y2K Compliance programs aren't Y2K Compliant?
Exactly how is making loud noises and faces during orgasms an evolutionary advantage?
How come none of the Etiquette books cover Vomiting?
Oh, yes. You look really, really cool carrying an old Sparkling Springs water bottle that you keep refilling at the tap.
Violent video games can't cause the downfall of civilization. Because Racy Books, TV, Rock Music, MTV and Hula-Hoops already did that.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: We will have those flying cars, Mars Colonies, and robot servants by 2100. Or so.
Surely, those of you who bought Millennium Countdown Clocks paid the extra 10 bucks for the Upgrade, so that your clock will begin counting down to 3000 AD after January 1st.
When you reply to a newsgroup posting, don't quote the text of the post you're responding to. It saves bandwidth and download times, and everyone will know what you're talking about, anyway.
Nothing makes us more comfortable with the Future Of Our Country than seeing lots of 6-year-olds walking around with pacifiers in their mouths.
Oh, yes, heavy drinking/drug use just makes you so sexy, witty and urbane. Especially the part when you barf on our shoes.
Note to the person in front of us at the cashier: Which part of "We don't have any more" aren't you getting? And telling them "But, you had it 6 months ago" is not gonna make an angel wing down and hand you one.
Do the Flintstones, Animaniacs, and other animated fare really need to have that TV Ratings bug on them? Are they for the 3 people in America who haven't seen these shows, and are checking them out in case there's any Barney/Fred/Gazoo orgy scenes their kids might see?
Note to the Network News People: Yes, we know that the Net is full of porn, hate, and pirated software. Why the hell do you think 99% of the people with net connections got them in the first place?
Note to the Returning Mr. Whipple: I paid for the damn Charmin, and I'll squeeze it if I want to, you twisted old fart.
And what's wrong with squeezing it, anyways? Classier than what we're *supposed* to do with it.
Note to Telephone Solicitors: Saying "You were nice enough to give us a donation last year" isn't really fooling anyone into giving you cash, is it?
There is nothing quite like the feeling of booting up a newly-purchased computer for the first time.
We'd like to buy stock in the company that makes the spirit gum that keeps the revealing costumes from falling off female wrestlers.
Reading is Fun-Damental!
Here's a scary thought: We are *long* overdue for another version of Auntie Mame.
Note to Video Game Designers I: Make games with challenging AI routines and thought-provoking puzzles. Do not make games than enter Maxi-Cheat mode when they're losing, and contain puzzles that depend on us somehow knowing your first girlfriend's cat's birthday.
Note to Video Game Designers II: Taking a creaky, old game concept and making it "3-D" does not make an Instant Classic.
So, where's all the "Comedy ripped from todays' Headlines" that Comedy Central promised us when they cancelled MST3K?
Incoming Clue Alert: Don't yell at people on TV, radio or the net; they can't hear you. We promise.
Being an idiot, at least in Today's World, is not a handicap. So, go move your bloody car.
Any reason why a magazine that just came as part of a subscription if full of mail-in cards asking us to subscribe?
If you remember this, you can relax and enjoy wrestling a lot more: If it's shown on TV, chances are it's a Work.
Balthayzr wonders how efficient it is to be Society's Alarm Clock when everyone keeps hitting the Snooze Bar.