|December 20th, 1999
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: In the Giving spirit of the Holidays, we here at HG Industries have a small but generous
present for you. Starting this week, you will occasionally see a small icon placed on the page somewhere.
This icon will point the way to a heaping helping of Original Recipe Schizotrichia, penned by the ever-capable
Mr. Unks. Yes, 2 columns for the same low price! Why shop anywhere else?
Crap is usually on sale all year 'round, people. Avoid the rush, Christmas shop around July.
The first Beanie Baby of the new Millennium will reportedly carry the name "SUCKER".
We'd eliminate a lot of violence if we could come up with some sort of hand signal to tell people who are following folks in mall parking lots "We're just putting some stuff in our car! We are *not* leaving our parking space yet!"
Nothing makes you look more like a responsible parent than dragging your kid around on one of those Kiddie Leashes.
Walking into a store 2 minutes before closing time, especially when you have no idea what you want, shows everyone that you are an independent-minded person who fights the power.
Peanuts starts rerunning strips from 1974 once Shultz retires on Jan. 3rd. Which means we have about 6 years before Peanuts becomes odd and repetitive once again.
MTV is being investigated by the Gov't over charges that it "controls" the airing of Music Videos. The question on everyone's mind is: MTV shows Music Videos?
We never wondered how reindeer flew as a youth. We wondered why there were never any reports of folks getting faces full of reindeer crap.
You know, it really doesn't do us a lot of good to "Phone First" if your employees are too stupid or lazy to give us the information we're looking for.
Isn't it a little scary to think we owe the current incarnation of Santa Claus to an old Coca-Cola advertising campaign?
Note to the Chia Pet people: Has there ever been a person on the face of any planet that has said "A CHIA PET? You doll, you! Just what my work area needed to liven it up!"
Somewhere in the world, right now, even as you read this: Someone else is reading this.
Someday, thousands of years from now, a civilization is gonna be digging up our relics. And what are they gonna find? Motorized lollipops.
There seems to be 2 types of Salvation Army Bell-Ringers: The ones that sit 20 feet away from the drum, slowly ringing the bell and glaring at passers-by, and the ones who seem to think this job is actually a try-out for Clown College.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. And then you'll be brought up on some sort of harassment charges.
And it was at this point that Old Man Winter stumbled in, rubbing his eyes and mumbling, " I can't believe I slept through the alarm.".
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The next big step in Convenience Food is pre-digested meals that you just take home and pour in the toilet.
Making a big effort to hide your face from cameras as the police lead you away doesn't make you look guilty, honestly.
Never perform any act that you don't want plastered all over a "YourName.com" page someday.
Exactly what happens in a person's life that makes them think wearing lots of make-up with giant shoes and getting hit with pies in a circus sounds better than what they're doing now?
The next person that says "Hell-o?" in that "Are you understanding *anything* I say?" tone of voice better be prepared to fish my size 11 combat boot out of their lower intestine.
And that goes for anyone that says "See you next century/millennium", as well.
People who use glass pipes shouldn't smoke rock.
Of course that "No Smoking" sign doesn't apply to you. It's just there because the store was all out of "You want it WHEN?" signs, and we needed something to dress up that space.
You can often combine 2 or more popular ideas to make a third, even more successful idea. For instance: Pokemon Porn. Or, Who Wants To Be A Professional Wrestler?
Incoming Clue Alert: Not all Action Figures are designed for 5-year-olds. Try reading a label sometime.
Galaxy Quest is actually based on a long-lost Francis Bacon play called Drei Freunde.
There is a cure for Stupidity. It's called /ignore.
Remember, it's not about content. It's about java applets and Flash navigation bars and multiple animated .gifs.
Into everyone's life will come a person who knows *way* too much about a given subject, and is more than willing to share his knowledge whether you want him to or not.
Seinfeld? It's over. Take your 300 billion in residuals, your 16-year-old girlfriends, and your "What's with...." monologues, and just go away.
As much as we all hate to go along with it, isn't it better to have your favorite cartoonist go on a multi-week sabbatical rather than get burned out and quit altogether?
Balthayzr and Balthayzr Action set sold separately. Batteries not included.