Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: Our Mr. Unks has decided to take a little time off to finish his catskin quiver collection, so Old Uncle Balth decided to lend a frontal lobe here for a bit.

Re WWF: If a run-in by a wrestler is "unexpected", why do their entrance music and video play? What, do WWF wrestlers have some sort of sensor chip installed that sets this stuff off when they pass through the Entranceway?

I'm taking no chances. I'm celebrating *all* the holidays. Happy Solstice!

As in-jokes are mean-spirited and hurtful, we here at HG Industries are working on a book explaining all of ours. It will be finished as soon as we understand them all ourselves.

An Official Hello Kitty Dreamcast. Another attempt to make video gaming appeal to more girls, or just some odd alignment of the planets?

Best Waste of Time I: MAME. Play almost 2000 old arcade games, for free, on your computer. And, we understand it's tax deductable!

We're disappointed. We actually saw several toys this week that had no connection whatsoever to Pokemon. Someone has been laying down on the job, dammit!

Somewhere, every 15 seconds, someone steals ideas, pictures and HTML from web pages and claims them as their own original ideas. Won't you make a donation this holiday season to Concerned Over Content Krooks, in care of HG Industries? We've made quite an impact so far, as many content thieves have stopped their evil ways and have come to respect the C.O.C.K.

Note to people who drive in front of me: Green Lights mean proceed. What, are you waiting for a Voice From On High to proclaim "OK, you've got me. Simon Says step on the gas pedal.".

I see lots of important people in the mall. At least I think they must be important, since they seem to be having buisness-related cell phone conversations in the toilets stalls.

Don't worry. None of these comments are directed toward you at all.

People don't wish each other Happy Birthday enough. The Gov't should enact a law that requires folks to randomly shout "Happy Birthday!" so no one gets offended or hurt.

Don't you just hate enigmas? What is with these folks who hide behind an odd name, and never give out any personal information about themselves? What's the deal? Huh? Huh?

Helpful Hint: Read the Topic of a chat channel before you enter it. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, it will provide valuable clues to what's going on inside.

Ally McBeal does *not* have an Eating Disorder. She is simply wearing away from frequent use.

Ever notice that folks who *never* discuss certain topics go on and on and on about them?

There is a big difference between being Jealous and being Just Plain Nosy. Learn it, Live it, Love it.

CRISWELL PREDICTS: Someone, probably from Fox or UPN, will come up with the idea of having 3 or 4 guys watch Bad Movies and make funny comments about the action on-screen. The Producers of this new show will be praised for their daring and originality.

If you are frequently called names, told you're not funny, and often kicked from the channel, chances are you are *not* part of the Illuminati

If you can't remember what you did at a convention/party, chances are you're better off not knowing....

People really enjoy having spelling and language usage mistakes pointed out, for it shows you care. Do it often.

Best Waste of Time II: Wrestlemania 2000. Nothing livens up a get-together like an easy-to-learn video game that allows you to smack Gramma with a steel chair till she bleeds.

There is a sad lack of quality porn on DVD.

There is a sad lack of quality porn.

The Homegame gals really put up with a lot of crap. If this was a bar, 99% of us would have been arrested, sodomized with a plunger, and tucked into bed by our cellmate "Bubba" by now.

So, who's up for another round of Hurricanes?

Ever notice that misunderstood geniuses finally get recognition *way* too late for them to enjoy any of it?

Is it us, or is Anthony Geary actually getting balder, even as you look at him?

How To Create Your Own Internet Company: Present your product or service on your web page. Have the name of your product or service include the words "Cyber" "On-Line" "Web" "Net" "Connect" or ".Com".

Speaking of, the best web pages have Entry Pages politely explaining the Browser requirements and Minimum Monitor Resolution required to see it.

So, what do you call it when your family sits around the TV eating cold cuts while watching Emeril make a 45-course dinner on The Food Network?

Taking yourself and your beliefs *way* too seriously, and lashing out at those who differ from you in any way, will make you all kinds of new friends.

Here's an idea: When you capture the hero, don't put him in some sort of elaborate death-trap or explain your plans to him. Just shoot the fucker. Please.

No one is a better friend to you than your Mommy.

Balthayzr never gets what he wants for Christmas, mainly because it involves transporting the stuff across state lines.

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