|December 13th, 1999
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: The Guaranteed Millennium-free edition! Wait, we just mentioned.....crap. Ok, you want that refund in cash or a Gift Certificate?
Always respond to a troll. They'll be happy with the much sought-after attention, and go away.
You ever think Jesus is gonna come back and say "You actually followed all those rules? Geez, me and a bunch of my buddies make that stuff up one night when we were toasted! You wankers!"
HG Merchandise make wonderful Yuletide gifts.
Speaking of, one day, we're all going to be at the Pearly Gates, and the Supreme Being is going to look at all the world's religious leaders and say "I'm sorry, none of you had the Right Answer. That means No One goes on to the Bonus Round."
You know your product/service is finally a success when the 700 Club finds a way to tie it to the Occult.
Yes, nothing promises a nice holiday like becoming a Mall Santa and exposing yourself to every type of cold virus ever created....
A recent commercial advertising a Breast Enhancement Vitamin made the claim "Makes a wonderful Christmas Gift." Nothing says love during this special time of year like giving a gift that says "I find your body......imperfect. Here, bring it up to standards."
OK, the treaty's sketched out. The Sales help promises not to follow you, the customer, around like a lost puppy, if you promise not to call them over until you've decided on a purchase.
Ty has announced that it stopped production of Beanie Babies mainly because of the sales it's lost to Pokemon. You could at least buy a couple of packs of cards to show your appreciation.
Don't ever bother reading a FAQ. Real newsgroup posters/chatters ignore them and just start asking questions.
It's interesting to note that a majority of the technological advances made owe their existence to the delivery/showing/creation of porn.
Nothing makes us want to visit your web site like seeing it spammed across EVERY FREAKIN' NEWSGROUP.....
A mailbomb is just another way of saying "I LOVE YOU!"
A free Web Site Host that's down more often than not, and pesters your visitors with lots of lovely Pop-Up Windows, is *not* a bargain. You get what you pay for. Save your paper route money, and get an real Web Host.
Expect the "Free Melissa!" hacked web-sites to start popping up any day now.
Canada is suing several software manufacturers for not putting out French versions of their games. So, what's French for "Fucking campers"?
Helpful Hint: You can fool visitors to your web site into thinking you always have fresh content simply by changing the date on your home page. Once or twice a week should do it.
There's a big difference between making your commercial so memorable that folks dash out to buy your product, and making it so creepy that it scars young children for life.
How much more effort is it to type out "you" instead of "u"? Or "for" instead of "4"?
Note to folks with combovers: You are not fooling anyone but yourself. Get a proper haircut and get over it.
When, exactly, did "mean-spirited" become the politically-correct way of saying "I think you're an asshole"?
Hey, wait a second! Christmas Crunch is just regular Cap'n Crunch in different shapes! What kind of a sick joke is this?
Aren't we overdue for another idiotic Rudolph, Frosty or Nutcracker remake?
Wrestling Law #247: If there is a cake, pie or other pastry present on a wrestling show, someone's gonna be wearing it.
Sci-Fi Channel: Home of series that didn't last long enough to get Syndication Deals.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Someday, we'll be accessing the Internet via an implant in our frontal lobes. And we'll still be getting spam for that damn Pamela Anderson video.
Starting next summer, Who Wants To Be a Millionaire will start it's own network, called WWTBAM-TV, featuring nothing but the show and Best Of Millionaire. The only hold-up is waiting for the final tests of the legions of REGIS clones.
Speaking of, Fox is reportedly planning a show called Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire. Rumored to be taped in Las Vegas, the only place in the US where prostitution seems to be legal.
MTV's Head Trip: Making fun of videos as they're watching them! Where do they come up with this stuff?
He's Hardrock, he's Coco, he's Joe!
Why is any fad or music more than 3 years old called "Retro"?
Joseph Heller, the guy who wrote "Catch-22", recently died. Neither the Bombardier or the Navigator were available for comment.
Balthayzr is very happy that James Best wasn't too snooty to reprise his role of Roscoe P. Coltrane in the new Dukes of Hazzard video game.