|January 10th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We look inside the Thought Process of the Typical Consumer,
and marvel at the fact that we survived long enough to evolve beyond tails and
Why is "Community Service" an Honor and a Privilege when we make High School kids do it as a graduation requirement, and a punishment when we assign it to a minor criminal?
A Fortune Teller was recently arrested for fraud in the Chicago area. Her last name was Bimbo, but she would also go by the name Clinton. There is no joke that could possibly do that story justice.
Remnants of Y2K Stockpiles make excellent Door Prizes at Super Bowl or Tupperware parties.
We understand FX's corporate motto is: Hey, it's either M*A*S*H*, or more Infomercials.
Clique: a group of people who recognize you for the idiot you are.
Incoming Clue Alert: Your joke is *not* funnier just because you say "fuck" or some derivative thereof in the course of telling it.
The NWO will never be quite as cool as the day Kevin Nash torpedoed Rey Mysterio Jr. head-first into the side of that trailer.
You should be thankful for the Internet. In our day, we had to drive for hours into charming neighborhoods and go into picturesque shops full of raincoat-clad men for our porn.
Note to solicitors, salesmen, squeegee guys at stop lights, etc: In the time it takes you to follow us around, whining and begging and bothering us to take your product/service, you could have talked to at least a dozen other people.
Is it wrong that the first thing we thought of when we saw HDTV demonstrated was "Boy, Debbie Does Dallas Part 45 is gonna look swell on this"?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: It will be discovered that all the Psychic Lines, Phone Sex Lines, and Time/Life Order Lines all connect to the same 4 girls in a trailer park just outside Branson.
There's nothing quite like the joy of hearing someone bringing up/expelling bodily fluids at the next table while you're eating.
Incoming Clue Alert: "Owning" a copy of PhotoShop or Paint Shop Pro does *not* make you a Graphic Artist. Just as knowing a few HTML tags does not make you a WebMaster.
And who came up with the term "WebMaster", anyway? Sounds like someone who's fighting Spider-Man in an old Hostess Fruit Pie ad.
The more fun you appear to be having, the better the chance that a loved one will suddenly remember an Important Chore they wanted you to do. Right Now.
New Rule: No movie made before April can be called "Best Movie of the Year" in it's review.
An excellent way to make new friends on-line is to pop into a random chat room, wait ten seconds, get bored, and then type "this sux!" or some other derogatory message. People will respect your in-your-face humanity, and love you for it.
Williams has announced that they will no longer make Pinball Games. Somehow, "That deaf, dumb and blind kid, sure plays a mean Tekken Tag Tournament" doesn't have the same ring to it.....
A True Friend is someone who will tell you to your face what a complete wanker you are.
You can gauge the success of any web site by counting the number of sites that steal from it and multiply by one.
Note to the publishers of the latest Simpson's Episode Guide: 13 friggin' bucks for a couple of seasons' worth of updates? Rest assured, we were on the internet within minutes registering our disgust through-out the world.
Yeah, he never really could wrestle worth a lick. And yeah, his gimmick's goofy. But, we still mark out for George "The Animal" Steele.
And yes, we do think Wrestlemania 2000 is realistic. Especially the part where our opponents no-sell our Finishing Moves.
Incoming Clue Alert: *Everything* is much, much harder than it looks.
Note to the WCW, WWF and ECW: There's actually only about 300 people or so on all these wrestling newsgroups and chat channels. Writing scripts with just them in mind might not make much sense from a ratings standpoint.
Yeah, OK, Ha ha. Y3K. As a very wise chicken once put it: Joke's over, son.
Hold on a second while we check our list of People We Haven't Offended Yet.
Incoming Clue Alert: "No" usually means "no". Not "We'll think about it" or "Maybe later" or "Ask us again in about 5 minutes, maybe we'll have changed our mind by then".
World-famous Psychic Uri Geller is suing Nintendo, claiming that the Pokemon known as Kadabra is based on a negative portrayal of him and his powers. Guess working all those Las Vegas Holiday Inns isn't paying as well as we thought.
It's fun to watch the old cooking shows on Food Network, which remind us of the days when we used 5 pounds of butter to cook 1 pound of food.
You just know we're gonna find out someday that Britney Spears is Tiffany's evil clone.
We just love magazines that increase their cover price in the same month they re-do their format to include less pages and larger fonts/pictures.
Balthayzr and Mrs. Balth would like to dedicate this issue to EvilJen and her family, who went through a series of terrible events late last year. Our thoughts and prayers go with you.