Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

December 27th, 1999
December 20th, 1999
December 13th, 1999
December 6th, 1999
November 22, 1999
November 15, 1999
November 08, 1999
November 01, 1999
October 25, 1999
October 18, 1999
October 11, 1999
October 04, 1999
September 27, 1999
September 20, 1999
September 13, 1999
September 06, 1999
August 30, 1999
August 23, 1999
August 16, 1999
August 09, 1999
August 02, 1999
July 26, 1999

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January 3rd, 2000

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: We explore the Idiosyncrasies of the Human Condition in the Post-Modern Technological World. Or we'll just toss up a bunch of stuff we made up at the last second because we're still a bit hung-over, who knows? And, Special Note to those of you with HG Decoder Rings: Once again, a Link to another helping of Original Recipe Schizotrichia is somewhere on this page.

Incoming Clue Alert: Yes, you do have the Right to say your mind. And, yes, you do have the Right to be heard. However, everyone else has the Right to Not Listen.

Are there still people out there watching "Who's the Boss", "Family Ties", "Roseanne", and other syndication fodder? Do the world a favor, tape the damn shows and have pity on everyone's remaining brain cells.

Incoming Clue Alert: If you don't fit in a restaurant booth any more, maybe you shouldn't be eating at restaurants so much.

You ever think God looks down and goes "HEY! I never meant for you to eat that! Spit that out!"

This is the part where the all the hucksters tell us that the millennium actually begins in 2001.

Every once in a while, just to piss folks off, we chop down an Old Growth tree and beat a dolphin to death with it.

You have to admit one thing: Stupid and/or Ignorant people keep life interesting.

Plots. They're just not for cemeteries any more.

There is nothing sadder than a middle-aged man trying to work "Phat", "Homey" or "Word Up" into his vocabulary.

Except maybe a middle-aged lady with multiple earrings in each ear, spandex and 6-inch heels.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: There will be an ensemble show with such a large cast that it will have to be shown thrice daily in order to give all the characters equal time.

Slappy New Year!

Look, if you don't understand a Cohen Brothers movie, you're not gonna understand it any better if we take time out of watching it to explain it to you.

Oh, yes, we completely believe you're a wrestling insider, because you know Hulk Hogan's real name.

What do you mean, we're not entitled to any Millennium presents?

The world needs more web sites that hand out "Best Web Page" awards to their friends.

Could you people stop meeting on the Internet and winding up getting married? Because you're just encouraging all the a/s/l goofs.

You know what *PLONK* means? It's the sound of a person refusing to speak to you anymore because they're tired of boiling brain cells trying to think down to your level.

Talking to yourself is not a sign of mental illness. Waiting for an answer might be. Getting into an argument and not talking to yourself for a week out of spite definitely is.

Note to People who make DVDs: Could you please make sure you have a decent copy of the original before you begin pressing disks? There's nothing worse than watching a DVD that looks worse than the VHS tape we bought out of the Wal-Mart Bargain Bin.

Always remember: Bury the bodies deep or the coyotes will dig them up.

Incoming Clue Alert: The Channel Ops and Regulars probably know what the channel is supposed to be used for more than you do.

Carrot-Top was sent by God to remind us just how painful Hell is.

Remember when you were little, and you calculated how old you'd be in the year 2000? And now, you are that old? What? Hey, same to you, pally!

Best way to get revenge on an Ex: Go out and have a long, full life without them.

There should be a special rating given to certain video games that tells buyers "The single-player game sucks. But, it's fun to get a few friends together, have a couple of cold ones, and beat each others brains in." Such a rating would go on Ready 2 Rumble Boxing, and any of the Mario Cart clones.

Why is stuff that is so boring in real life supposed to be so interesting if we do it over the Net?

Who decides what diseases are more important to cure than others? Because we don't remember seeing that position listed on any ballot we've filled out....

There's nothing that adds credibility to your web site like multiple 404 messages. It shows you have big plans to expand in the near future.

We're sure enjoying all the wonderful projects Jimmy Smits has appeared in since leaving NYPD Blue.

We can't wait for the environmentalists to tell us about how all the Millennium fireworks have screwed up the ozone layer or the jet stream or whatever.

If the WWF thinks the WCW is a low-class organization that nobody watches, why do they buy advertising on all their shows?

Balthayzr is already scalping tickets to the Battlefield Earth movie.

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