Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: We conduct an experiment where we see if the flu can be spread via HTML. Please report back here in a week with your updated Health Report.

90% of the symptoms you suffer from a cold or flu aren't from the disease itself, but the body's defense system. Meaning the future of war isn't Push Buttons, it's Mucus.

Look, it's just *snow*. Happens every year about this time, kiddies. Stop driving like Flake is the 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse.

It's interesting to note that people will be shocked at a person making a subtle sexual/scatological comment, but not be ashamed of themselves for understanding it so quickly.

How come we can't use cutting-edge technology to prove someone guilty (due to it being "too new and untested") , but we can make up a new mental illness on the spot to prove them innocent?

Let's see, do we want the Cough Suppressant, so we can slowly drown in our own juices but be cough-free; the Expectorant, so we cough more and kind of defeat the reason we took the Cough Syrup for in the first place; or Both, so our occasional coughs bring up lunchbox-sized surprises?

Incoming Clue Alert: Always be nice to Food Service employees. Why would you want to piss off someone who is preparing your meal in an area you can't see into?

We have total confidence that the same Gov't that can't define porn is going to protect our kids from it on-line.

Shouldn't a commercial advertising a TV show about commercials suck the network into some sort of Mobius Strip-type Universe?

You ever think God looks down and says "Can I get a Do-Over?"

Our most favorite web sites are the ones that give us a cookie for EVERY FRICKIN' LOADED PIXEL.....

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Echelon Project will be discovered to have been started by a Gov't Employee trying to snag a free copy of the Mrs. Field's Cookie Recipe.

Is there a name for the point in an acting career when the person starts voluntarily doing self-parody roles?

Incoming Clue Alert: 99% of stuff called "Collectable", isn't.

Nothing makes your TV Channel/show/whatever look cooler or more cutting-edge than to add the number "2000" to it's title.

When are people gonna learn that folks usually get fired from their competitors for a damn good reason, and thus stop hiring them?

See that little sign on the side of the school bus? It says "STOP". Not "Pause". Not "Look around for 5 seconds for a cop and then speed past". STOP.

E! Entertainment Television: We stalk celebrities so you don't have to.

Note to WCW: Considering what Ahmed "Big T" Johnson got in trouble for, does he really belong in the "family oriented" AOL/Time-Warner corporation?

Who else thinks the Hardy Boyz' medical charts are gonna look a lot like Mick Foley's in about 10 years?

"Dude" is *not* a sentence.

Is it really necessary to put Nutrition Facts on bottles of water?

On a related note: "Fat Free" labels on candy? Is that so dieters and nutritionists will think it's OK to load up on SweetTarts and Nerds?

Oh, yes, teaching our children to be competitive is just plain wrong. Because, you know the world is just going to be handed to them on a silver platter once they get out of school.

Always remember: No matter what, there's someone out there somewhere who is dumber and more gullible than you. Maybe.

Who had mid-January in the Vince Russo Dead Pool?

Why are there Amish and Luddite-related web-sites?

"Breathe! Breathe, my pasty friend!" We were unaware that the cure for a stuffy head was the bodily funk of a couple of giant Russians.

"I have an open mind" is usually code for "I'll listen to any opinion that coincides with mine".

George Harrison released a statement about the attack on him Dec 30th. Several news sources are quoting him as referring several times to "backstabbing bastards".

Barbra Streisand says she will no longer do concerts. Gee, and we still have 2 wishes coming.

God, the New Mickey Mouse Club has unleashed a lot of Evil on the world, hasn't it?

Always remember: You can't push a person over the edge if he wasn't standing there to begin with.

Balthayzr is just crushed about Scary Spice's divorce.

Return to HGNews