Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: We fought through snow, freezing cold, and ice storms to bring you the latest in.......OK, we walked into the other room and switched the computer on. Happy? Also, enjoy another bonus Schizotrichia. And because you hard bastards complain that it's too hard to find the super secret hidden link to super secret Schizotrichias, we've decided to make the hidden link easier to find.

OK, Kevin Mitnick is free, already. Now, can you elite HacKerZ do something constructive with your time and skillz?

Note to E*Trade: More dancing monkeys, dammit!

Are we reading too much into this, or was it just a coincidence that the WWF "Beauty Contest" Superbowl commercial featured Miss Connecticut (WWF Home Office Location) being blind-sided by Miss Georgia (WCW Home Office Location)?

Among the Washington, DC events that got cancelled by The Big Snow: A conference on how Global Warming is giving us Milder Winters.

Question for Al Gore: Why do we have to elect you Prez to get all these things you're promising? You've been VP for 8 years, you've had plenty of time to implement all these ideas of yours.

Because it's racist to call a team the Redskins or the Indians, but it's OK to call them The Fighting Irish or the Vikings.

We could save quite a bit of money and time by just giving everyone with a Screen Actor's Guild card an award once a year.

So, why are all those tables stored under wrestling rings?

At what point does a balding guy decide to stop hiding his receding hairline, and just shave his head?

By all means, legalize drugs. Because we've done such a fine job keeping cigarettes and booze out of the hands of underage kids.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Cell phones will become so micro-miniaturized that we will be unable to discern between people having a phone conversation and people Just Plain Nutso Babbling. To be safe, both groups are locked up, to the outrage of absolutely no one.

Exactly how does one patent a wrestling move?

We really need to decide an age in which it's no longer cute for a girl to call her father "Daddy".

The Star Trek World Tour is rumored to be closing, mainly because it appears there aren't enough Ethiopian children that care what Spock's Maternal Grandmother's maiden name is.

Nitro Perfume. Because you don't smell enough like a sweaty professional wrestler.

You want diet tips? Here's a diet tip: Put down the damn Twinkies and get your lard ass off the couch more than twice a year.

Prostitution over the Internet. Because it's all about Downloads and File Sizes.

Lord save us from amateur comics practicing their craft on answering machines.

Because Chyna carrying out that pyrotechnic howitzer isn't phallic AT ALL.

You can't blame Lou too much for whoring Mambo #5, because he's gonna be a Trivia Pursuit question before the year is out.

"Growth Spurt" must be the name of the company that did Britney Spears Breast Implant Surgery.

Who else thinks Callista Flockhart looks more and more like The Simpsons' Mr. Burns every day?

Did you get the feeling from the State of the Union Address that Clinton was saying "Vote for Al Gore, or you won't get any of these goodies I'm promising."?

Who do AOLers killfile and make fun of?

Supposedly, the more you buy your sweetie for Valentine's Day, the luckier you get. So, it's basically Treat Your Loved One Like An Expensive Hooker Day.

The time between getting carded because you look young and getting carded because you look old is much shorter than you think.

We're penning a television show that we hope somebody, somewhere will pick up: Let's Mercy-Kill A Series That's Overstayed It's Welcome.

How is it a pre-approved Credit Card if we still have to fill out an application and go through the Approval Process?

The World Trade Organization is *not* part of any New World Order. At least, not until they pay their dues and return our leftover dishes.

In everyone's life, there is someone who will sit and suffer, apparently not knowing why their tongue and throat are dry, until they see/hear you getting a drink. By then, of course, their legs no longer work and you'll have to be Gunga Din.

Balthayzr poked his head out of his bunker, saw his shadow, and predicted 6 more weeks of winter.

Return to HGNews