I hate you all, which is why I hope you don't enjoy this "Dot-Com, Post-Uberbowl Egg" version of SCHIZOTRICHIA. Enjoy the random filth that has spilt from my head like some virgin goddess of wisdom and continue on at your own risk!

ARE YOU READY…to be disappointed?

Note to self: Do not eat at a Mexican restaurant where the waitress pronounces nachos as "na-kos"...

I'm quite certain "WAAASSSSUUUP?!" won't get annoying AT ALL...

Especially when all your co-workers, friends, and even REGIS start doing it...

Nothing says pathetic like having a garage sale, because everyone really needs to see you sitting outside with all your crap laid out, trying to squeeze a quarter out of an ugly floral lampshade with a dog shit stain on it...

But it is okay to have a hearty laugh at the people who do buy crap that even YOU don't want...

Soda cans flying through the air at mach 2 does not, and will not, make me want to drink your urine flavoured drink...

There's nothing better than having aerial shots of a football game from a blimp or heel-o-copter, especially when the game is in a DOME...

I'm still wondering why, in a country with speed limits, we make cars that can go over 120 miles per hour...

Janeane Garofalo needs to be bent over a microphone stand and have her "humour" "observed" repeatedly...

Bulimic women who depend on their gag reflexes DO NOT give good oral sex...

Sometimes you need to eat a little filet mignon before you get to the Twinkie...

Was I high, or did I in fact see a jump rope competition on ESPN? At least that's more sport-like than a spelling bee, I guess...

I find it sad that some people in this world aren't even worthy to be beaten with a shoe...

I totally believe the Fuzuoku 9000 fingertip massager with 3 sensation tips is NOT meant to be used as a concealable and portable self-pleasure device by women...

If you use AT&T long distance like I used to, then do what I did - call AT&T and tell them you want to cancel and switch to another long distance company because you're sick and tired of that spooge rag Paul Riser and his annoyingly painful commercials...

You know, the latter half/early part of the year has waaay too many holidays which means less vacations and day-offs in the middle part of the year. We need to shift holidays and balance things out IMMEDIATELY...

Everyone should go out and buy a Yo-yo Pouch, because we all need to say we're hip, in that aloof sort of way, by being able to clip our yo-yos to our belts and tote them around where ever we may go...

Hey, Jamal Smith from MCI Worldcom, I'll take that long pause followed by the, "Okay, thanks. Bye," to mean that I threw you for a good loop when I said I don't want to switch long distance companies because all my long distance is free thanks to the internet...

I hate to admit it, but Bill Maher's "Politically Incorrect" opening skits/monologues actually manage to be more unfunny than anything Jay Leno comes up with...

Joy Behar needs to die...

John C. Reilly is an incredibly talented actor who Respects the Cat, while possibly being PT Anderson's bitch...

To the Hui Dental Group: Nothing in the world would make me want to go the mall to get dental work done...

I just saw a "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" book, which is why I must sincerely say to you all, from the deepest recesses of my heart, fuck you. I hope that your afterlives consist of being forced to answer trivia questions, and when you give an incorrect answer, are subjected to Cody Gifford singing show tunes...

It's not a fucking commune!

Ah, there's no better feeling than going to the store and seeing the shelves filled with Pokemon toys, especially the "popular and hard to find" ones...

Why yes, it is similar to the feeling I had exactly one year ago when I saw the same shelves covered with Furbies. Thanks for noticing...

Perhaps we need to re-think political correctness when we are able to have a "signing chorus" for those who can't hear the national anthem properly...

I'm being led to believe that sex is the ultimate exercise from those exercise machine informercials which all seem to involve some kind of sexual looking move, like a pelvic thrust or rocking motion...

drunks@homegame.org wants to be a gangster in Brooklyn with a crew and be knee deep in bitches, but only when he's not using his CGI kung-fu to make a CGI baseball bat to bash CGI Christopher Reeve's CGI kneecaps.

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