Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

September 23rd, 2002
September 16th, 2002
September 9th, 2002
September 2nd, 2002
August 26th, 2002
August 19th, 2002
August 12th, 2002
August 5th, 2002
July 29th, 2002
July 22nd, 2002
July 15th, 2002
July 8th, 2002
July 1st, 2002
June 24th, 2002
June 17th, 2002
June 10th, 2002
June 3rd, 2002
May 27th, 2002
May 20th, 2002
May 13th, 2002
May 6th, 2002
April 29th, 2002
April 22nd, 2002
April 15th, 2002
April 8th, 2002
April 1st, 2002
March 25th, 2002
March 18th, 2002
March 11th, 2002
March 4th, 2002
February 25th, 2002
February 18th, 2002
February 11th, 2002
February 4th, 2002
January 28th, 2002
January 21st, 2002
January 14th, 2002
January 7th, 2002

December 31st, 2001
December 24th, 2001
December 17th, 2001
December 10th, 2001
December 3rd, 2001
November 26th, 2001
November 19th, 2001
November 12th, 2001
November 5th, 2001
October 29th, 2001
October 22nd, 2001
October 15th, 2001
October 8th, 2001
October 1st, 2001
September 24th, 2001
September 17th, 2001
September 10th, 2001
September 3rd, 2001
August 27th, 2001
August 20th, 2001
August 13th, 2001
August 6th, 2001
July 30th, 2001
July 23rd, 2001
July 16th, 2001
July 9th, 2001
July 2nd, 2001
June 25th, 2001
June 18th, 2001
June 11th, 2001
June 4th, 2001
May 28th, 2001
May 21st, 2001
May 14th, 2001
May 7th, 2001
April 30th, 2001
April 23rd, 2001
April 16th, 2001
April 9th, 2001
April 2nd, 2001
March 26th, 2001
March 19th, 2001
March 12th, 2001
March 5th, 2001
February 26th, 2001
February 19th, 2001
February 12th, 2001
February 5th, 2001
January 29th, 2001
January 22nd, 2001
January 15th, 2001
January 8th, 2001
January 1st, 2001

December 25th, 2000
December 18th, 2000
December 11th, 2000
December 4th, 2000
November 27th, 2000
November 20th, 2000
November 13th, 2000
November 6th, 2000
October 30th, 2000
October 23rd, 2000
October 16th, 2000
October 9th, 2000
October 2nd, 2000
September 25th, 2000
September 18th, 2000
September 11th, 2000
September 4th, 2000
August 28st, 2000
August 21st, 2000
August 14th, 2000
August 7th, 2000
July 31st, 2000
July 24th, 2000
July 17th, 2000
July 10th, 2000
July 3rd, 2000
June 26th, 2000
June 19th, 2000
June 12th, 2000
June 5th, 2000
May 29th, 2000
May 22nd, 2000
May 15th, 2000
May 8th, 2000
May 1st, 2000
April 24th, 2000
April 17th, 2000
April 10th, 2000
April 3rd, 2000
March 27th, 2000
March 20th, 2000
March 13th, 2000
March 6th, 2000
February 28th, 2000
February 21st, 2000
February 14th, 2000
February 7th, 2000
January 31st, 2000
January 24th, 2000
January 17th, 2000
January 10th, 2000
January 3rd, 2000

December 27th, 1999
December 20th, 1999
December 13th, 1999
December 6th, 1999
November 22, 1999
November 15, 1999
November 08, 1999
November 01, 1999
October 25, 1999
October 18, 1999
October 11, 1999
October 04, 1999
September 27, 1999
September 20, 1999
September 13, 1999
September 06, 1999
August 30, 1999
August 23, 1999
August 16, 1999
August 09, 1999
August 02, 1999
July 26, 1999

A Random Xmas

September 30th, 2002

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

Note: SCHIZOTRICHIA will be taking a small Hiatus, possibly going to a more random schedule. Insert Emoticon here.

THIS WEEK: Actual George Kennedy News that we didn't make up; Yoko Ono and Courtney Love show us The Way; And we didn't actually suggest you go out and Slap these people we mention, so don't go calling us up for bail money or anything.

Abandon, or No, It's A Completely New Idea Because It's A *Male* Stalker!.

RAW Roulette Wheel? Where the match stipulations are decided by the spin of a wheel? Yeah, bringing back "Spin The Wheel, Make The Deal", one of the most reviled of the old WCW Gimmicks, should really increase those Nielsen Numbers.

Incoming Clue Alert for whoever's booking this stuff; Doing something crappy on purpose as a kind of wink-and-a-nod to the fanbase? Unless you're Andy Kaufman or Monty Python, it don't work too often.

People Who Really, Really Need A Slap: People who call a phone call "Getting a Jingle".

The Ring or Tolkien? Never Heard Of Him, Honest. Movie Title Is a Complete Coincidence, We Swear..

Note to the WWE: Constantly telling folks during your Monday Night Broadcast how this is much better than Monday Night Football and Everybody Loves Raymond probably isn't the smartest idea, because what you're basically doing is reminding folks that those shows are on. Which encourages channel switching during Slow Parts and Commercial Breaks. Which usually ends up with people sometimes forgetting to switch back.

How To Have Fun In Public, Part 561; When you overhear a conversation where someone says "I'm gonna kill him!", say "When you do, make sure you bury the body at least 4 feet down, or the coyotes will dig it up. Take it from someone who knows". Then stare directly at them until they look away.

Movie Rule #883; Any object hurled, shot, or thrown offscreen must somehow cause an offscreen cat to screech in protest.

Movie Rule #884; Extreme Humor can be had by substituting some random noise for the Cat Screech, like a car crashing or fart-like noise.

Holy cow. When the hell did Chevy Chase go bald? Like Ron Howard bald?

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Over the next few years, Google will add many new Search Engines to it's site. Among those that will be the most used;, where users can search for people's personal Web pages featuring pictorials of their feline companions;, where you can search for web sites teaching you the fine art of making tinfoil hats, detecting phone taps, and posting to alt.conspiracy newsgroups anonymously;, a search engine that comes in Left and Right flavors, for times when you need to look up Waco death tolls or speech transcripts by Celebs who think they're Political Experts, or basically any article that expresses support for Your Point Of View;, which will lead you to various "My life/boyfriend/job/parents/internet service sucks!" Boards; and which will lead Searchers to free porn sites that contain no pop-ups, javascript viruses, Top 100 Web Sites Voting prompts, or other nasty little surprises.

Think we've got *quite* enough movies where people think they can make a Naked Gun-type picture if they just get Leslie Nielsen to star in it and fall down a few times.

From our Ooh, And We Get Paid, Too? file; The British Journal of Urology International reports this month that, after extensive testing, they've come to the conclusion that there is no correlation between Shoe Size and Penis Length. Over 100 men had their penises "gently Stretched" (which sounds like something you'd pay big bucks for in a massage parlor, but we digress) and measured, and cross-referenced with their Foot Length. And while we're sure this was quite the fascinating study, we'd like to have been a fly on the wall to see the looks on these guy's faces when the Scientists asked to stretch their willies and then measure their feet. ("No, I do *not* have some odd fetish! It's for a Study for a very prestigious Medical Journal!").

Yes, we do subscribe to the British Journal of Urology International. Mainly to get the Annual Supermodel Catheter Issue. Whoo-Hoo!

Gateway has redesigned it's logo and boxes to downplay the Bovine Motif (translation: they toned down the cowskin pattern), and are making a new series of commercials not featuring the Talking Cow. Their reason is to make the company look more "hip and technologically savvy". Yeah, were sure that was the main reason for the whole Tech Industry Downturn. Cows.

Besides, we're always a bit suspicious of any Company Announcement where the company in Question thinks all it's problems will go away if they just look more "hip".

Note to the Makers of the Drew Carey Show; Isn't it a little Late In The Day to be doing "Dot.Com Company" bits?

Or is this the next step in the years-long plot to make people think this is actually a live-action Dilbert show?

From our Maybe This Could Have Been Planned Out A Little Better file; A bus crashed in Fresno, CA, injuring 50 and killing 2 after a lone passenger snuck up on the Bus Driver and slit his throat while the bus was on the Interstate doing over 70MPH. And, because deep down God has this really sick sense of humor, the guy who caused the accident was not among the Dead or injured. We're gonna go *way* out on a limb here and guess at an Insanity Defense here.

Boy, Nicktoons TV. All Nick Toons, all the time, 24/7. What a great idea for a cable channel, considering that the average Nick Animated show, with the possible exception of Rugrats, has about 20 episodes, and this channel shows 2 of them a day...

Quote Of The Time Period It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "She is a pure example of the best ideals of the Democratic Party, This is not your ordinary politician. This is a national treasure" - Ira Rohter, a political scientist at the University of Hawaii, commenting on a suggestion that all Hawaiians in the state's second district vote for Democratic Rep. Patsy T. Mink, despite the fact she died a couple days ago, in a "Tribute Vote". Ya seem to have this a little backwards, guys. You don't run Dead Candidates. You get Dead People to Vote and sign petitions.

Insert Chain Letter Florida Election joke here.

How much respect they actually seem to have for the poor woman can probably be read by the fact that she goes from a "She" to a "This" in the space of 2 sentences...

Studies by The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and National Aeronautics and Space Agency have shown that the Ozone Hole over Antarctica has shrunk by almost 40% over the last 6 years. Partly due to Warmer Than Normal Temperatures, which you can say is Global Warming when you spill this bit of news to your Save Spaceship Earth friends...

Are we just about done keeping track of all of Michael Jordan's "Will He Or Won't He Retire" announcements, now?

So, apparently some sort of Court Decision has been made allowing Courtney Love to whore her husband's group Nirvana some more, including a new "Boxed Set" and a Kurt Documentary. In return for Courtney "allowing" the record company in question to push "Unreleased" crapola onto the sort of people who hang out at used CD stores wearing "Kurt Died For Your Sins" T-shirts, Courtney gets more-or-less sole possession of her Hole Song "Library", a commodity which has to rank right up there with Bea Authur Nudes. Which takes us to...

Yoko Ono, who won her "disagreement" with a former Personal Assistant who was selling Photos and personal effects he lifted from the John Lennon household while he worked there. The guy has to cough up all the "Offending" items, including Personal Photos he took of John on his own time. Meaning the American Courts have made it safe for people to be Parasitic Ghouls with Dead Famous Relatives once again, which almost, *almost* makes you want to take one step back and take a looooong look at how Capitalism works.

And a Big Schizotrichia "Get Well" To Honorary Homegame Member and Oscar Winner George Kennedy, who checked into a hospital for treatment of the Sleep Apnea that nearly killed him. GK will be hooked up to a machine that will monitor his breathing while he sleeps so the Unthinkable hopefully never happens. And yet we never, ever see Sleep Apnea telethons, or Ribbons, or edgy MTV-Style Commercials where kewl slackers inform other kewl slackers about this disease. For shame, America, for shame.

People Who Really, Really Need A Slap: People who insist on lecturing people on the proper usage of "Good" and "Well".

Balthayzr just avoids the whole issue by calling everything "dandy".

Return to HGNews