|September 30th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
Note: SCHIZOTRICHIA will be taking a small Hiatus, possibly going to a more random schedule. Insert Emoticon here.
THIS WEEK: Actual George Kennedy News that we didn't make up; Yoko Ono and Courtney Love show us The Way; And we didn't actually suggest you go out and Slap these people we mention, so don't go calling us up for bail money or anything.
Abandon, or No, It's A Completely New Idea Because It's A *Male* Stalker!.
RAW Roulette Wheel? Where the match stipulations are decided by the spin of a wheel? Yeah, bringing back "Spin The Wheel, Make The Deal", one of the most reviled of the old WCW Gimmicks, should really increase those Nielsen Numbers.
Incoming Clue Alert for whoever's booking this stuff; Doing something crappy on purpose as a kind of wink-and-a-nod to the fanbase? Unless you're Andy Kaufman or Monty Python, it don't work too often.
People Who Really, Really Need A Slap: People who call a phone call "Getting a Jingle".
The Ring or Tolkien? Never Heard Of Him, Honest. Movie Title Is a Complete Coincidence, We Swear..
Note to the WWE: Constantly telling folks during your Monday Night Broadcast how this is much better than Monday Night Football and Everybody Loves Raymond probably isn't the smartest idea, because what you're basically doing is reminding folks that those shows are on. Which encourages channel switching during Slow Parts and Commercial Breaks. Which usually ends up with people sometimes forgetting to switch back.
How To Have Fun In Public, Part 561; When you overhear a conversation where someone says "I'm gonna kill him!", say "When you do, make sure you bury the body at least 4 feet down, or the coyotes will dig it up. Take it from someone who knows". Then stare directly at them until they look away.
Movie Rule #883; Any object hurled, shot, or thrown offscreen must somehow cause an offscreen cat to screech in protest.
Movie Rule #884; Extreme Humor can be had by substituting some random noise for the Cat Screech, like a car crashing or fart-like noise.
Holy cow. When the hell did Chevy Chase go bald? Like Ron Howard bald?
Think we've got *quite* enough movies where people think they can make a Naked Gun-type picture if they just get Leslie Nielsen to star in it and fall down a few times.
From our Ooh, And We Get Paid, Too? file; The British Journal of Urology International reports this month that, after extensive testing, they've come to the conclusion that there is no correlation between Shoe Size and Penis Length. Over 100 men had their penises "gently Stretched" (which sounds like something you'd pay big bucks for in a massage parlor, but we digress) and measured, and cross-referenced with their Foot Length. And while we're sure this was quite the fascinating study, we'd like to have been a fly on the wall to see the looks on these guy's faces when the Scientists asked to stretch their willies and then measure their feet. ("No, I do *not* have some odd fetish! It's for a Study for a very prestigious Medical Journal!").
Yes, we do subscribe to the British Journal of Urology International. Mainly to get the Annual Supermodel Catheter Issue. Whoo-Hoo!
Gateway has redesigned it's logo and boxes to downplay the Bovine Motif (translation: they toned down the cowskin pattern), and are making a new series of commercials not featuring the Talking Cow. Their reason is to make the company look more "hip and technologically savvy". Yeah, were sure that was the main reason for the whole Tech Industry Downturn. Cows.
Besides, we're always a bit suspicious of any Company Announcement where the company in Question thinks all it's problems will go away if they just look more "hip".
Note to the Makers of the Drew Carey Show; Isn't it a little Late In The Day to be doing "Dot.Com Company" bits?
Or is this the next step in the years-long plot to make people think this is actually a live-action Dilbert show?
From our Maybe This Could Have Been Planned Out A Little Better file; A bus crashed in Fresno, CA, injuring 50 and killing 2 after a lone passenger snuck up on the Bus Driver and slit his throat while the bus was on the Interstate doing over 70MPH. And, because deep down God has this really sick sense of humor, the guy who caused the accident was not among the Dead or injured. We're gonna go *way* out on a limb here and guess at an Insanity Defense here.
Boy, Nicktoons TV. All Nick Toons, all the time, 24/7. What a great idea for a cable channel, considering that the average Nick Animated show, with the possible exception of Rugrats, has about 20 episodes, and this channel shows 2 of them a day...
Quote Of The Time Period It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "She is a pure example of the best ideals of the Democratic Party, This is not your ordinary politician. This is a national treasure" - Ira Rohter, a political scientist at the University of Hawaii, commenting on a suggestion that all Hawaiians in the state's second district vote for Democratic Rep. Patsy T. Mink, despite the fact she died a couple days ago, in a "Tribute Vote". Ya seem to have this a little backwards, guys. You don't run Dead Candidates. You get Dead People to Vote and sign petitions.
Insert Chain Letter Florida Election joke here.
How much respect they actually seem to have for the poor woman can probably be read by the fact that she goes from a "She" to a "This" in the space of 2 sentences...
Studies by The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and National Aeronautics and Space Agency have shown that the Ozone Hole over Antarctica has shrunk by almost 40% over the last 6 years. Partly due to Warmer Than Normal Temperatures, which you can say is Global Warming when you spill this bit of news to your Save Spaceship Earth friends...
Are we just about done keeping track of all of Michael Jordan's "Will He Or Won't He Retire" announcements, now?
So, apparently some sort of Court Decision has been made allowing Courtney Love to whore her husband's group Nirvana some more, including a new "Boxed Set" and a Kurt Documentary. In return for Courtney "allowing" the record company in question to push "Unreleased" crapola onto the sort of people who hang out at used CD stores wearing "Kurt Died For Your Sins" T-shirts, Courtney gets more-or-less sole possession of her Hole Song "Library", a commodity which has to rank right up there with Bea Authur Nudes. Which takes us to...
Yoko Ono, who won her "disagreement" with a former Personal Assistant who was selling Photos and personal effects he lifted from the John Lennon household while he worked there. The guy has to cough up all the "Offending" items, including Personal Photos he took of John on his own time. Meaning the American Courts have made it safe for people to be Parasitic Ghouls with Dead Famous Relatives once again, which almost, *almost* makes you want to take one step back and take a looooong look at how Capitalism works.
And a Big Schizotrichia "Get Well" To Honorary Homegame Member and Oscar Winner George Kennedy, who checked into a hospital for treatment of the Sleep Apnea that nearly killed him. GK will be hooked up to a machine that will monitor his breathing while he sleeps so the Unthinkable hopefully never happens. And yet we never, ever see Sleep Apnea telethons, or Ribbons, or edgy MTV-Style Commercials where kewl slackers inform other kewl slackers about this disease. For shame, America, for shame.
People Who Really, Really Need A Slap: People who insist on lecturing people on the proper usage of "Good" and "Well".
Balthayzr just avoids the whole issue by calling everything "dandy".