|February 28th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We mention Pamela Anderson a couple of times in the hopes that more search engines will accidentally find us; and talk a lot about snacking, which we're sure no computer geek will identify with at all.
The new dollar coins sure won't be confused with quarters this time. No sir. They'll be confused with Chuck E. Cheese tokens.
Never be afraid to hit on a guy's wife. He'll take it as a compliment on his taste in women.
Which downloads better: Classic Pamela Anderson, or New Pamela Anderson?
We're sorry, it wasn't Tonya Harding in the ice rink with a club, it was Tonya Harding in the garage with a hubcap. Care to play another round of White-Trash Clue?
MSN, Microsoft's ISP, is reportedly dropping Usenet access. Most probably because too many people were getting useful and/or timely help and information out of the various newsgroups.
OK, let's hammer this point home one more time for people who can't be bothered to do research, and then blame others when they screw up: Windows 2000 is just Windows NT 5 with some Windows 98 bells and whistles tossed in. Thus, updating from Win98 *will* cause some of your games and hardware drivers to not function. If you want to update your Windows 98, wait for Windows Millennium (which is Win98 with some Windows NT 5 bells and whistles tossed in) later this summer.
Or, go ahead and update. Because screwing up your system just may be the excuse you need to get away from the glowing computer thingy and go do something useful for a change.
Believe us, Alchemists exist. We know more people who can take cash and turn it into useless crap...
Because nothing gives us more confidence in a potential attorney than seeing him on his TV commercial, staring at the cue-card like a deer caught in headlights.
BBC America: Your One-stop place for new American sit-com ideas.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The next Star Trek series will break with tradition by having all parts played by plain, flabby, yet capable actors that actually bother to run diagnostics on the Holodeck before going in to play.
Anyone else see the irony of a bunch of college kids having a sit-in to protest sweat-shop conditions as they munch granola and bagels and bottled water while phoning Mumsy and Daddums on their cells phones because their allowance is late?
"I don't understand why I'm not losing weight." people say. "I starve myself, and exercise all the time." It's because certain people's bodies, when under stress, are capable of violating the Laws of Thermodynamics.
Louis Farrakhan has reportedly made peace with other Muslim sects, and has promised to cut out all the racist rhetoric. This is a condition known as Sucking Up To The Supreme Being Because You Almost Died.
Gosh, think there's any special reason why Channel Identification Banners mysteriously vanish during commercial breaks?
Because buying, setting up, and keeping an Anti-virus program up to date is a lot more trouble than reformatting and restoring you hard drive every 6 months, and writing apology e-mails to everyone you sent Melissa and win.ska to.
Quite a comment on the general intelligence of the American Consumer when the first time 90% of them look at the Instruction Manual is to look up the chapter in the Troubleshooting Guide called "Why device will not function after assembly".
What do you mean, Fox isn't going to show fare such as "Busted On The Job" any more? Where are we gonna go to satisfy our Footage-Of-People-Putting-Bodily-Fluids-On-Fast-Food fetish NOW??
Because we believe people who post "I lost my (Insert program name here) Serial number! Anyone have one I can use?" messages are honest people who own the programs. They're just a little unorganized, is all.
Note to WCW: Notice that the attendance at your House Shows fell off when 1) You raised the prices by 20%, and 2)You stopped sending your Top Stars to the shows. Are we picking up on any type of a pattern here?
How do you get elected to the Newsgroup Gestapo? You know, the folks who look at posts and respond with "You shouldn't have posted this, and here's why...."? Because deciding "Who Has The Right To Post In MY Newsgroup" sounds like a fun job.
Whoever said "Free as the air" never bought a bag of snack chips.
Why do we read the newspaper online? Because our ISP doesn't download the paper in our bushes or on the roof, nor can the neighbors sneak over and steal it at 5AM.
Home and Garden TV: If you got your butt up off the couch and cleaned every once in a while, your house could look as nice as this.
Note to Chris Carter: Harsh Realm got cancelled, man. Time to let it go.
Incoming Clue Alert: Diet Soda is just a soda with no calories. It is not some Miracle Drug that will allow you to consume 3 Big Macs and a large order of fries, go home and nap on the couch, and still lose weight.
A gaming company is planning a series of games around Pamela Anderson's syndicated TV series, VIP. There's a silicon/silicone joke in there somewhere, but damned if we're touching it.
You realize that the next Internet Millionaire will be the guy who perfects a Real-Time Spell-Checker for IRC chat programs.
Seems REGIS just got another few million a year for his Hosting Duties. And here we thought only the guy sitting in the other chair, answering questions, could win easy money.
Remember, spelling WORDS in CAPS give them SPECIAL meaning.
Balthayzr never parodies parodies. However, he does parody parodies of parodies.