|February 21st, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We offer some excerpts from our forthcoming book "Why I Wouldn't Wipe Dog Crap Off My Shoes With Your WebSite and other helpful online hints", and just generally bitch about technological advances that we aren't seeing any residuals from.
During which event does time pass more slowly: The Night Before Xmas, or waiting for the results of medical tests?
Sumo Wrestling is FIXED??? There is no God, there is no God....
We're beginning to think Vince McMahon could take a nap in the ring for 2 hours, and it would break ratings and merchandising records. Does this reflect Vinnie Mac's "genius", or the Die-Hard WWF Fan's willingness to swallow anything WWF-Produced? Discuss. Cite examples and show your work.
Exactly how is something "free" if we have to pony up for the Shipping and Handling?
Innovation usually means that you've invented or greatly improved a product/service. Not that you've taken an existing idea and just put your own personal spin on it.
Our Nominee for the Nobel Prize: The person who came up with the idea of attaching Internet-connected computers to dull work-out equipment like treadmills and StairMasters.
And what makes that pairing even more interesting is that it's probably Internet-connected computers that created the need for more work-out equipment in the first place...
A "free" computer if we just sign up for 3 years of a crappy ISP? WOW! Because paying $800 bucks for lousy internet service to "earn" a $500 computer sure sounds like a deal to us!
You realize how many newsgroups would die a quick and painful death if the residents listened to netiquette and took all their arguments and personal discussions "to E-mail"?
UPN: We will whore the WWF until it's popularity wains from over-exposure, then give many interviews claiming we were "never really comfortable with the show in the first place".
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Self-Cleaning appliances will discover the ultimate solution to keeping themselves spotless forever: Kill Their Owners.
Note to Amateur Web-Page Builders: Yes, we've seen the "Lake" Java applet and the many different variations of the "send me E-mail" animated .gif. Many, many times. Now, how about some content?
How come we never hear a lot of World-Wide Outrage when extreme left-wingers get involved in foreign governments?
The Game Show Network: Because we know you sit up nights wondering if Mrs. Harold Rebinowitz ever won that Washer/Dryer combo on "The Price Is Right" back in June of 1972.
Democracy and Capitalism don't work, they cry, as they sit in their nice, warm homes, eat hot, nutritious meals, and say and do whatever they like on their uncensored Net-Ready computers that cost more than a typical communist family makes in a year. Sure, OK.
Note to People who own "Martha Stewart doesn't live here" wall hangings: Yep. She sure doesn't. And, in most cases, it shows.
Because there is nothing as adorable as an internet nickname that's just an obscene expression with a couple of letters changed around.
Vince McMahon is still on his "I create, Ted Turner steals" bandwagon. Nice to know we imagined Chris Jericho, Paul "Big Show" Wight, Cactus Jack, the Radicals, Steve Austin, Undertaker et al being in any other federation besides the WWF. Better cut back a bit on the peyote.
Yes, putting a Java Clock on your personal web page is just too Kewl. Because the main reason people come to your site is to see what time it is in your little corner of the world.
From our "Are we *really* this frickin' lazy?" File: One of the big displays at the Housewares show was a Net-Ready Microwave that worked by reading the barcode on specially-prepared entrées and automatically setting the temp/time and such. The net-link allows it go download new recipes. We'll assume the attachments that allow it to run down to the store and buy the meals for you will be debugged by summer.
And, no, this is *not* an acceptable substitution for our Robot Butlers, dammit!
The Reader's Digest version of a typical Dr. Laura call: "Caller? You're wrong. And there's something fundamentally wrong with you for thinking like that.".
And it's not considered Software Piracy if you promise yourself at least once a month that you'll buy the program as soon as you get enough spare cash to do so. Or, alternately, if you tell yourself that you probably wouldn't have paid "that much" for the program anyway, so the company hasn't really lost a sale.
Ok, we kinda see the point of "marriages" in Online RPGs. All part of the role-playing aspect. But, what exactly is the point of weddings between IRC Personas? So that your cybersex will be more readily accepted by your local Church?
How long until some doofus sees "2000" on Microsoft's new OS and files a lawsuit claiming Gates is trying to monopolize the Gregorian Calendar?
We found Willy Wonka's candy bar "Xploder" (a chocolate bar with Pop Rocks hidden inside) so vile and disgusting that we immediately ran back to the store and bought several more...
What's more sad than repeatedly going to a company website and seeing an "Under Construction" picture? Going back later and getting a "Not Found" error.
We're not a bit shocked that sordid little details are coming to light about the contestants on Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire. We're just shocked that it took this long for the various tabloids to dig the stuff up. What ever happened to the Work Ethic, people?
"You're biased!" :translation: "Your point of view on the subject doesn't mesh with mine, so the problem is obviously with you.".
Remember, in-jokes are only mean and hateful if they're not one of yours.
Balthayzr has never found any Special Surprises behind any toilets, and doesn't know how he should feel about that.