|February 14th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: It's time for the Annual "Buy Me A Gift Or Sleep On The Couch" Day! So, buy your
True Love some bulk-purchased roses, pour the Walgreen's Label Champagne, then quote some Romantic
Schizo to insure a night of Passion. Or violent intestinal cramps, we forget which.
Incoming Clue Alert: Using the @ sign for anything other than an E-Mail Address is now officially No Longer Quaint.
And it was at this point that the Grim Reaper decided there were a few too many minor Celebrities in the world and took it upon himself to remedy this situation....
Whatever happened to the odd little theory that Ted Turner had bought the Neilsen Corporation and was using it to artificially inflate Nitro's ratings?
Vince McMahon announced that he wants to do a late-night wrestling Talk Show. He then proceeded to sue himself for ripping off "Tuesday Night Titans".
We take it that all you have to do to insure your series gets Syndicated someday is make at least 3 episodes besides the pilot.
10% - The amount of crap you videotape that you actually go back and watch at a future date.
Note to our Cable Company: Stop running local commercials telling us how our lives would be enriched if we would just sign up. See, we already subscribe. That's how we're able to see your commercials.
You know we just can't resist any product whose Legal Disclaimer runs longer than the commercial it's disclaiming.
Verdant, maker of EverCrac....uh, EverQuest, announced that it's next On-Line RPG will be based in the Star Trek Universe. That degree of Geekdom condensed into one place has gotta cause some sort of Spatial Disruption.
Apparently, the "Classics" designation in "American Movie Classics" has gone from the Entertainment Definition of "Something Wonderful that must be Preserved" to the Automobile Definition of "Something more than 12 years old".
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The next Goth "thing" will be kids who cover themselves with ash and old bandages in order to discover their "Inner Mummy".
Because we're sure that Gene Roddenberry's ultimate vision of the future was a scantily-clad cyborg woman getting the "Rock Bottom".
We cannot wait for the Gov't to break up the Microsoft "Monopoly", because that bit worked so well with the Oil and Telephone Companies.
How come we never hear anyone protesting that Barbra, Oprah or the Kennedys have Too Much Money?
The Travel Channel: Look at all the wonderful places you could visit if you weren't sitting on your ass watching television.
Just what is the difference between Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day? Besides the Hallmark profit margin, that is.
Incoming Clue Alert: In the Olden Days, it was Perseverance, and it would get you the Girl. Now, it's Stalking, and it will get you 1 to 3 years.
Interesting that the same Human Race that fights any type of Segregation will demand that Smokers and Cell Phone Users go Somewhere Else.
Never let anyone know that you know anything about computers. Because you'll become unpaid Tech Support so fast that you'll get friction burns.
Conspiracy Theory: A story that results from people refusing to believe that Random Chance or their own Incompetence/Stupidity messed up their lives.
It's a good thing computers and appliances are getting smarter, because God knows nothing or no one else is.
Of course weddings are expensive. It's Life's way of getting you used to never having any disposable income ever again.
How come we can put a working Lander on the surface of Mars, but.....oh, wait. We can't.
Let's try that again: How come we can launch a Space Shuttle every 16 months or so, but we still lack the scientific knowledge to prevent a nation-wide ICE CREAM CONE SHORTAGE!!!
Cartoon Network: Until our dying day, we will continue to try to re-create "Ren and Stimpy".
Anyone else get the feeling that "The Simpsons" has become like Monday Night Wrestling, in that they seem to be playing mostly to their Internet Fan Base?
Because it makes perfect sense to spend the money registering a Domain Name, and then leaving an "Under Construction" message on it for almost a year. That way, you can study the visitor logs and see if the numbers reflect a demand before you hire someone to do all that bothersome hand-coding.
Why, in this Modern Age of Equal Rights, do we not hear an equal amount of commercials telling women to prove their love for their men by purchasing them expensive gifts?
You know the Reform Party has hit the skids when Jesse Ventura bails because it's gotten too "Out There" for him.
Just remember, you have no right to be on the Internet unless you call Microsoft's OS "Winblows" or "Windoze".
Balthayzr wonders how a flying naked baby committing Felonious Assault with a bow and arrow came to represent Love.