|March 6th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We consider the differences between Meanness and Pure Evil. And the answer? About $1.20 a pound, less tax.
Note to people who eat at buffets: Yep, steam tables sure are hot. Kinda defeats the purpose, having cold steam tables, dontcha think?
Guess "Cats" isn't Now and Forever.
You know why we sometimes prefer the computer to Real Life? When we tell the computer to Shut Up, it shuts up.
Even though Kathy Lee is going to retire, we understand she's opening up a website so people can keep up with the latest news on her kids. And thank God for that, huh?
And does this mean she's closing all her clothing factories, thus saving the $5.65 total yearly payroll?
Any particular reason why we should care about another goofus ballooning around the world? Besides the possibility of him painfully killing himself, that is.
The Nashville Network: What faction of the TV-watching Hillbilly can we appeal to next?
Note to parents: Mall toy stores are *not* Free Day Care Centers.
It is better to light one scented candle than to curse the burrito fart someone just let rip.
Doesn't Ross Perot need to be dead before McCain can channel his spirit?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: An Intelligence Test will be required in order to procure an Internet License. And the 50 of us left on the net promise to use it wisely.
We need to come up with a new word or expression, because it seems too many people are wearing "you're creepy" as a badge of honor.
Netzero, the company that gives "free" Internet access and runs those wacky commercials where people testify in front of Congress on why the net should be free, has discovered the main pitfall of No-Pay Net Access; Free means little money coming in to the ISP in question, and thus your checks to your creditors go bouncy-bouncy.
Let's get this straight: You risked your life doing something dumb, and you videotaped it and sent it in to a nationally syndicated show so *everyone* could see what an idiot you are?
Because re-doing the graphics on your web page is a lot less intellectually demanding than doing any sort of updating.
Quite a few of the presidential candidates are putting forth the idea of Info-Stamps, that could be used to acquire free computers and net access. Because poor people don't want jobs, financial security, or medicine; they want Pokemon Episode Guides and GameShark Codes.
Oh, why didn't we call the police when your car alarm went off? Because it's been going off every night for the PAST 3 YEARS!!!
And, are we supposed to believe that drug pushers and gang-bangers would obey *new* gun laws any more than they obey the present ones, thus creating a new Utopia? "You know, ever since I put this trigger-guard on my Glock, I've had this urge to go back to school and get an honest job!"
Pedophile (n): Person who disagrees with someone else on a newsgroup. See: Hitler, Nazi, Troll.
The next series Chris Carter is putting out is supposedly based on his "Lone Gunmen" characters from The X-Files. And won't that show inspire a lovely bunch of slash fanfics?
Do you really want the last thing people see or hear of you being you shooting tornado footage while muttering to yourself "Wow. Wonder if I should seek shelter? Naaahhhh...".
Why do some of you stop and stare at the escalator before you get on it? Do you think there's some sort of prize awarded for getting on a different-colored step? Or are you somehow related to the goofuses who come to a full stop at the ends of on-ramps?
We have absolutely no sympathy for people who buy discounted houses near airports, and then suddenly "discover" all the noise.
Animal Planet: Note that even the ugliest animals are getting lots more action than you.
There's 2 reasons why we haven't cured the Common Cold: 1) It's caused by a virus, and our record of curing viruses ain't the greatest, and 2) it's actually caused by a few thousand different viruses, a "new" one each time you get sick. Meaning we'd have to come up with a few thousand different vaccines. But, don't let us stop you from volunteering to be a Test Subject.
We're always amused by people who make light of us for watching Wrestling as they discuss Luke and Laura or Felicity or ER.
So, how come the same celebs that scream "My PRIVACY!!" whenever some photog or reporter comes near them insists on issuing Press Releases every time their Athlete's Foot flares up?
On being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame: a) Your 15 minutes of fame is up, and here's a lovely parting gift, or 2) Nice career momentum. Mind if we hop on the bandwagon?
Because everyone is exactly who they say they are online. Meaning a lot of Supermodels and Fortune 500 CEOs are surfing chat rooms and newsgroups between business meetings.
You'll live a happier life if you just remember this: no matter who you are, or what you do, there will be some asshole who hates you for no good reason.
Balthayzr gave up Religious Practices for Lent.