Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

June 12th, 2000
June 5th, 2000
May 29th, 2000
May 22nd, 2000
May 15th, 2000
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May 1st, 2000
April 24th, 2000
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February 28th, 2000
February 21st, 2000
February 14th, 2000
February 7th, 2000
January 31st, 2000
January 24th, 2000
January 17th, 2000
January 10th, 2000
January 3rd, 2000

December 27th, 1999
December 20th, 1999
December 13th, 1999
December 6th, 1999
November 22, 1999
November 15, 1999
November 08, 1999
November 01, 1999
October 25, 1999
October 18, 1999
October 11, 1999
October 04, 1999
September 27, 1999
September 20, 1999
September 13, 1999
September 06, 1999
August 30, 1999
August 23, 1999
August 16, 1999
August 09, 1999
August 02, 1999
July 26, 1999

June 19th, 2000

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: Having assured Chris Carter's Lawyers that "Harsh Reality" is in no way an infringement on Chris' "Harsh Realm" (mainly because new episodes of Schizo are still being made), we present another exciting installment of Stuff We Thought Of On The Way To Work, Forgot To Write Down, And Was Forced To Present This Crap Instead.

Amazing how you become everyone's private chauffeur mere moments after you bring home a new car.

We wonder if the imp that took the Los Alamos Hard Drives is the same imp that takes all the files and such that the Clintons and Gores are asked to turn over to investigators...

Note to TV/Movie Creators: It was never amusing to have the "Springer" show appear in your production, mainly because it's hard to satirize something that became a parody of itself long, long ago.

We're pretty sure the reason we don't see a lot of Inner-City kids playing golf is that it's pretty hard to set up an 18-hole golf course on a city street or vacant lot.

Because we're sure that is actually run by a group of hip, witty, health-conscious teens, and isn't just presenting this front to make rejection of smoking look "kewl" and rebellious. And we all know how well that worked with the anti-violence "Squash It!" campaign, right?

And no, we aren't smokers. We just find attempts to make a product/service/point of view more appealing by saying "So-and-so doesn't want you to know/have this!! Join the Underground Revolution!!!" really, really goofy.

Don't we all know by now that Fan Sites are just covers for huge PIRACY operations designed to rob hard-working Entertainers of their well-deserved royalties? Because no one would go to the trouble to build a web-site and upload several megs worth of files just because they were a Big Fan, and wanted to show others why they love the entertainer and his Work.

Nothing is more amusing than having a Person In Authority yell at you about something, having them discover they were wrong/mistaken about 30 seconds into it, and yet continue to lay into you because admitting they were wrong is unacceptable.

Yes, your mall clothing shop looks so "In Touch" and appealing just because you only hire pink-haired, many-pierced teens to run it, and blast Blink 182 and Korn at 200 decibels out the front of the store.

Great. AOL-TV. For those who can't *quite* grasp the complicated nuances of WebTV.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Advances in genetic research will allow people to order exactly the kind of pet they want. And 90% of senior citizens will still want those annoying little yap factories.

Rule Of Life #513: If a Service Person says they'll show up to your house between 9AM and 5PM, they'll either show up 5 minutes after 9, or 10 minutes to 5.

Amendment to Rule Of Life #513: If you leave your house for 5 minutes to run an errand, or decide to pop in the shower, the Service Person will show up 45 seconds after you start.

Yes sir, those Wal-Mart fashions sure do look more appealing on the sons and daughters of the Overnight Stock Crew than they would on professional models. And non-union kids make a lot less per hour, as well.

And why the hell do "Active" people (and the advertisers that aim for them) say "Carbs"? Is it because they're much too preoccupied with a Busy Lifestyle to say the entire word "Carbohydrates"? Or have they tumbled off one too many phony Rock Faces and now can't handle polysyllabic words?

Boy, isn't it worth all the years of hard work and sacrifice to build a Championship Sports Team, so you can watch all your drunken fans riot, burn and loot their city to the ground on Live TV?

You have to wonder: When a morbidly obese person is so huge that they can no longer get out of bed, why exactly are his loved ones still bringing him his 10 pounds of Breakfast bacon every morning?

Re: Disney's "The Kid": We were unaware the Pepsi Girl had a brother.

If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that says we will look into the direct causes of a problem before we, as President, blame 1) The Opposition Party and/or 2) Any past Presidents.

Oh, yes, the best way to get help/advice on a newsgroup is to have a Subject Line like "I bet none of you are smart enough to do/know THIS!!!"

Another good way is to post your question, and then make an angry post 15 minutes later grousing about how no one bothered to answer you, followed 10 minutes later by the same exact request again.

Note to Ralph Nader: How many elections do you have to get clobbered by write-in gag candidates like Bugs Bunny before you figure out it's a Lost Cause?

Didn't take long for Mr. Whipple to get squeezed back into TriviaLand, did it?

What's worse than an Overly-Cheerful Morning Person? An Overly-Cheerful Morning Person who insists on inflicting their little personality quirk on innocent people.

5 words that should strike fear in the hearts of any sane individual: "It's The Musical Version Of....".

Amazing that the same ISP that takes days and weeks to answer any questions or complaints you might have never seem to experience any trouble getting those connect charges submitted to your Credit Card Company on time.

Yea, we get the phallic symbolism. We still think there's something just ...odd looking about an extremely petite woman smoking a 3-inch thick cigar.

What would free up about 70% of the Internet's Bandwidth? If people would stop e-mailing those goofy Jokes, Lists and Gag Pictures to everyone in their Address Book.

And may we just take a moment to say....WHOO-HOO! New Tom Lehrer Set! With new songs!!

Godspeed to you, Fox of the "Man Show". May you and your mugs never be dry.

Balthayzr submitted several bids for Ted Kaczynski's summer cottage.

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