Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: It's time to write another Introductory Header that no one will read, because they're all too busy looking at the Random Lines Of Stuff and mumbling "You know, this is valuable web space that could be used for some sort of Episode Guide, because no one does those, you know.".

Ok, the little dimpled Pepsi Girl was bad enough. Seeing her in KISS make-up sticking out her tongue is an image that'll have us waking up screaming for months...

Ever notice that right after you get rid of a particular person/place/thing, everyone of your friends will immediately tell you how much they "never liked" it?

Oh, yes, we need to pay hundreds of dollars for a device that lets us pause live TV, because God knows every second of television is a gem to be savored.

David Duchovny's Paycheck, or How I Learned To Stop Bitching And Love The Fox Networks.

Note to Car Salesmen: You really don't wanna ask us "What do I have to do to close this deal today?", because we are sick, twisted people with a variety of really nasty answers to that question...

So, having given up on trying to re-create "Animal House" and "Die Hard", Hollywood is busily trying to re-create "There's Something About Mary".

Give it up, already. Ally McBeal is sexy like Don Knotts is sexy.

At a recent Lowe's Motor Speedway race, a pedestrian exit walkway collapsed onto an underlying highway. It was the first time a Racing Crowd was sent crashing into a Car.

And no, we have no regrets about that last joke. You seem to be under the impression that there's some sort of standards to be lived up to around here.

Guess we'll have to change the old expression to: Those who can't do, code the web-site anyway.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In the year 2094, there will be only 3 original songs on the Billboard 200, the other 197 spaces being occupied by "Covers" of the 3 songs in question.

We're still trying to understand the mentality behind Newsgroup Posters that post one-line messages followed by a 50-line .sig file.

Ever notice people say "Internet Rumor" in the same tone of voice one might use to say "Random Nut Standing On The Street Corner, Screaming In His Underwear."? We cannot imagine why that is...

Because nothing's quite as much fun as saving for months and months for that Special New Toy, buying it, hurrying home, and then getting a big case of the "I Spent That Much Money On THIS?" guilts for a week...

Unless, of course, it's compounded by a really understanding friend/relative that joins in on the fun by asking "You Spent HOW MUCH On This?".

Reportedly, the plot of the upcoming "Rocky 6" movie is that Balboa comes out of retirement to fight a match for charity. We're assuming the charity is the Sly Stallone Memorial "I haven't made a decent money-making picture in years" Foundation.

And what brain-trust decided that we needed to run experiments to show that Viagra wouldn't have the same "medical benefits" for women that it does for men?

"...And the Angel of Death crushed Dame Barbara Cartland against his manly chest, her ample bosoms no longer heaving as she didn't gasp for breath..". Guess old Fabio's got even more free time to ride roller coasters now, huh?

If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that would keep Al Franken from appearing on any more political commentary shows, until he contributes something else to the political process besides a couple of humor books.

Yes, Clinton getting disbarred will surely ruin his life, because we all heard the stories of him going back to Little Rock and opening a little "Matlock" -like Law Office, working pro bono for all the Little People...

And one supposes that the answer to the problem of folks Not Posting *Spoiler* Warnings is to just STOP READING THE DAMN POST IN QUESTION BEFORE YOU SEE THE COMPLETE SPOILER, but we suppose that's just being plain MEAN.

We're sure that the new "Rocky and Bullwinkle" movie coming out can't be any worse than the "Boris and Natasha" movie from a few years ago, because we're fairly certain that violates several Natural Laws.

Mike Myers is bringing his SNL "Dieter from Sprockets" character to the movie screen? Someone's been touching his own monkey a little too much...

We see nothing fishy in a Vanity WebSite that has 8000 hits on it's counter, because we're sure that there's that many people surfing the web, endlessly clicking through link after link looking for pictures of folks and their "collections".

Because if there's one thing more enticing than Spam, it's Misspelled Spam.

You're supposed to cover your mouth when you cough. You're supposed to cover your mouth when you sneeze. Why do we get such odd looks, then, when we try to be polite by covering our rears when we fart?

And of course we don't mind dragging our car in for Emission Tests while huge diesel vehicles drive by, leaving large clouds of a color and size usually associated with approaching hurricanes...

And what's really scary: Somewhere, out there, Michael Jackson is busily "remaking" his image again.

OK, let's see if we have this straight: The Artist, who was The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, is now The Artist Formerly Known as The Artist, Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, seeing as how he's calling himself Prince again? Ow, think we sprained something there...

Note to Disc Jockeys: Your jokes are not any funnier because you have 15 Interns and the News Guy in the booth with you, laughing.

Balthayzr is a Professional Driver who performed this column on a Closed Course.

Return to HGNews