Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

May 8th, 2000
May 1st, 2000
April 24th, 2000
April 17th, 2000
April 10th, 2000
April 3rd, 2000
March 27th, 2000
March 20th, 2000
March 13th, 2000
March 6th, 2000
February 28th, 2000
February 21st, 2000
February 14th, 2000
February 7th, 2000
January 31st, 2000
January 24th, 2000
January 17th, 2000
January 10th, 2000
January 3rd, 2000

December 27th, 1999
December 20th, 1999
December 13th, 1999
December 6th, 1999
November 22, 1999
November 15, 1999
November 08, 1999
November 01, 1999
October 25, 1999
October 18, 1999
October 11, 1999
October 04, 1999
September 27, 1999
September 20, 1999
September 13, 1999
September 06, 1999
August 30, 1999
August 23, 1999
August 16, 1999
August 09, 1999
August 02, 1999
July 26, 1999

May 15th, 2000

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: Having spent the weekend enjoying the advances from our upcoming TV series "The HouseGame", we sit back and take a long, hard look at Life, and come to this conclusion: The couch probably would look better on the other wall.

Note to Emeril's "people": Yes, his new line of Cookware seems to be well designed, and appears to be Quality. Too bad the package art makes it look like "My First Cookware Set by Fisher-Price"...

Of course Elvis is still alive. We know that if we were gonna fake our own death, we would set it up so it looked like we had a heart attack on the toilet caused by straining too much to overcome our constipation.

Amazing how fast it became "Rosie's Million Mom March", isn't it?

Incoming Clue Alert: It's not really a nice Mother's Day Gift when you drag your elderly Mother or Grandmother to a Buffet, and then sit at the table farthest away from the food and make them get their own meal.

And it makes perfect sense to pay 15 - 20 bucks for a Car Wash when you can get a bucket, sponge and soap from the store for about 8.

One wonders if certain people will still be in favor of Term Limits if Hillary wins that Senate Seat.

Wrestling Law #610: Never have your Wife appear as your manager/valet, because A) She'll become a lot more popular than you, and B) You'll end up getting divorced, you'll get fired, and she'll become the resident Poster Girl.

Note to the Fox Network: Thanks for digging up the "Dungeons and Dragons" cartoon, so that we could once again experience the joy of realizing that one of our favorite old Saturday Morning Shows was actually crap...

And we're completely shocked that the "Message Center" menu of our new Digital Cable is being used by our cable company to send us ads for programming.

So, we're supposed to find McDonald's salads so much more yummy because they stick them in old Slurpee cups and invite us to "shake" them? Whee.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Mankind will evolve a third, fully functional arm by 2352, allowing computer users to comfortably snack and perform... other duties while still being able to type normally.

No, we don't think the enduring appeal of the Three Stooges has too much to do with any social/economic/philosophical sub-text they may have hidden in the shows. We're pretty sure it has to do with all the hitting and eye-gouging, mainly because you don't see too many Curly-themed "The Poor are just as good as the Rich" T-shirts.

Ever wonder why newspaper Book Review Sections always seem to be reviewing such sought-after books like "An Illustrated History of Double-Breasted Suits", but never seem to review a lot of Mass Market stuff? Surely, the book section isn't a thinly-disguised advertisement for low-selling tomes, is it?

Dirty Dancing 2? With Ricky Martin? You folks might wanna stay away from any water or clock towers for awhile...

Phew! Seems the entire cast of Friends have signed contracts for another couple of seasons. Boy, we sure dodged a bullet there, huh, kids?

And how long will Battlefield Earth be allowed to tread water at the Box Office until Church Members are "politely asked" to go see it 5 or 6 times to boost the sales? Hell, the idea always works wonders for L. Ron's books...

OK, the Stop Sign means "Stop". It does not mean "Stop behind the guy who stopped, and then stomp on the gas when he moves so you can sneak through the intersection with him".

Yeah, a bunch of bored-looking Gen-Y kids prancing around and pretending to be in "West Side Story" sure makes us want to run right out and purchase several pairs of Cargo Pants.

If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that would forbid the spouse/relative of any politician from running for a major political office unless they had more political experience than just being around their famous spouse/relative while they did their job.

Is it wrong that we get a little bit of a vicarious thrill when we read the Network Press Releases listing all the cancelled shows?

Never mind a listing of "Web Safe" colors. We need a listing of "Colors that you need to keep off your web pages, because they make people heave their cookies and/or cause permanent retina damage".

Note to really, really, REALLY heavy guys: The long, unkempt hair and the scraggly beard? They ain't helping.

Can anyone explain the purpose of "taking over" a Chat Room on IRC? Yea, you piss off half a dozen people, and you and the other script-kiddies get a giggle or two. Then what? Is this some marketable job skill that we've overlooked?

When, exactly, are people gonna understand that just because a Film Critic has a Degree in Film, and gets invited to Cannes every year, doesn't make him any more of an expert in what kind of film will amuse *YOU* than anyone else.

And we see nothing wrong with visiting a bookstore, seeing the novelization for the latest Blockbuster, and reading the last few pages to see how it all comes out. And we especially see nothing wrong with commenting out loud on the ending as you read it.

Let's see if we understand this: Legalizing drugs will rid us of all the problems associated with drugs. Outlawing guns will rid us of all the problems associated with guns. Ah, now we get it.

We always like to inform tipsy people that alcohol gets you drunk because it's actually acting on the body as a Toxin, just to see the panic build on their faces.

We never understood the logic behind taking up 3 parking spaces with a new/fancy car in order to protect it. Seems to us that being such an ignoramus would leave one's vehicle open to *more* abuse, not less.

So, what's worse to see peeking out from under a halter top: 15 sweaty rolls of flab, or perfectly outlined ribs and vertebra?

And we don't think it's heartless at all for the media to "celebrate" the anniversary of a tragedy by going around and re-interviewing anyone who was even slightly involved, and releasing updated "factoids" about the event. No, we think this is a wonderful way for these poor folks to work this grief out of their systems.

Balthayzr received a Gift on Mother's Day from everyone who's ever called him a Mother.

Return to HGNews