April 10th, 2000
|April 17th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Having reached our 20th Schizo, we'd like to take this time to make this announcement. We've given this much thought, and after much soul-searching we've decided...to keep right on writing this column, and having the fun that goes with torturing people with our Random Thoughts, for as long as humanly possible. We know this comes as a shock to loyal readers who were hoping the endless Pain and Stupidity would stop, and it to them we'd like to say that We're Sorry. And, with that in mind, enjoy. Or not.
Someday, when we die and go to Heaven, and God says he will answer one question, rest assured it will be; What purpose does a vomit-burp serve, anyways?
"I'm writing a screenplay" :translation: "I just downloaded a pirate version of Final Draft."
Because it's just not Easter until we see Chuck Heston pitching those stone tablets at Edward G.'s skull. Or something.
Not that we don't like kids, but we're of the belief that offspring should never out-number the parents. Fosters too much thought of mutiny. And, it's hard for 2 parents to run in more than 2 directions.
Don't medical dramas give you every confidence that doctors and nurses are giving full attention to their patients, and not dragging around personal baggage that might distract them from saving lives like you and yours?
Do you ever get the urge to run up to one of those girls wearing thick-soled clogs, and shove a torch in their face to see if they go "HRRRRRRRRRR!!! FIRE BAD!!!!"? Yeah, us, too.
And it's not suspicious AT ALL to see people loading up a moving van in front of an apartment building at 3AM.
Of course we want Broadband Internet Access so that we can download Public Domain music and Video Game Demos faster. Shame on you for thinking otherwise.
We were all excited about April 21st, until we found out that just *information* about anyone under 13 was being purged from the net, not the users themselves.
OK, whoever's in charge of enforcing that "15 minutes of Fame" Rule: Get to work, dammit!
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Due to the influence of TV Wrestling, people will be forced to endure a 5-day Waiting Period before they can purchase metal chairs.
Something we should have learned from Ernest, and haven't seem to have grasped yet: A character that's amusing in a 30-second commercial is like fingernails on a chalkboard when placed in a movie or TV Series.
Because it's fun to go to someone's house, wait until they leave the room, and set their TV's V-Chip to block everything above TV-Y.
And the answer is: No. We can't all just get along. What fun would that be?
Over 4000 people every second are getting really sick and tired of TheTruth.com's pretentious and self-important ads.
We're supposed to find your product more appealing because you attach the word "Extreme" to it? Why, exactly?
So, the Playstation 2 has to be labeled Military Hardware because of it's graphic processing speed? We bet we know what certain Governments are asking Santa to bring them...
"Free Speech not only lives on, it ROCKS!!" But, only when it applies to you, and not your former and present employees, right, Oprah? Can't have the riff-raff out using their own basic human rights willy-nilly, that would be Wrong.
If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that would demand that people who do repairs on Utility-related equipment show up just as fast as the "Your Payment Is Due" notices.
Explain why we should pay 99 cents for a 20-ounce bottle of soda, when a 2-liter of the same product sells for about the same price.
Aren't we about due for the Clinton Administration to find more "misplaced" documents?
It seems the best part about being an "Official News Source" is the ability to shut down dissenting opinions and disturbing truths.
Note to aspiring musicians: Make sure your Hit Single has lyrics that are easily adapted to a Product Jingle. Try rhyming words with "Ford" or "Banquet Fried Chicken", for example.
Tom Petty asked that a song of his be removed from the soundtrack of "American Psycho" because the movie proved to be "too violent". Yeah, we can see how he was fooled by the title into thinking it was an Animated Disney Movie or a sequel to "Cider House Rules".
All right, go ahead and floss in public. Watching you pull a piece of string through your teeth has got to be less disturbing that watching you jam a matchbook cover or business card in there.
Remember the Good Old Days, where a Star or Director/Producer only had to make one or two Bombs before they were recognized as Box Office Poison?
Fox has concluded that it could have done little to prevent all the negative publicity surrounding "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?". Well, obviously besides recognizing the idea for the pile of horseshit it was and just not going through with it.
Who else thinks those "We work at Wal-Mart" commercials are starting to look like the cornfield scenes in "Hee-Haw"?
Because a 3-inch-long skateboard that we're supposed to "skate on" with 2 fingers looks way too realistic and dangerous to us. And we hope any of you out there enjoying these products are wearing proper knuckle and fingernail protection.
Godspeed, Larry Linville. Hope the angels appreciate the Ferret Face as much as we did.
Balthayzr came awfully close to being a troll, but his Guidance Councilor talked him out of it.