Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

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December 27th, 1999
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April 3rd, 2000

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: Having had quite enough of hearing David "Red Shoe Diaries was ART, dammit!!" Duchovny try to justify his leaving the X-Files by channeling Art "The CIA MADE me go on vacation, dammit!!" Bell, we take keyboard in hand and crank out another 20-odd lines of pithy comments. And for FREE, mind you, so you can just stop that bitching right now.
Speaking of FREE, please take a FREE issue of Original Recipe Schizotrichia with you today (located just behind the Hidden Link). And as you read it, ask yourself: If you died long do you think you would sit there and rot before someone noticed and called the authorities?

Incoming Clue Alert: When you're the first kid on the block to have that new toy, you've basically paid for the privilege of being a beta-tester.

It seems Verdant, makers of the ever-popular EverQuest, is in the process of developing an Online Star Wars RPG. This, combined with their plans to make an Online Star Trek RPG, gives them the rare chance to keep collecting computer geeks' cash for years: Just connect the 2 universes together, and let the players have an eternal "Trek is Better! No, Star Wars is Better!" War.

After years of training actors to *never* look at the camera, what do we get? Malcolm In The Middle and Titus.

And why not? After spending millions of dollars to perfect shake-resistant camera riggings like the Steady-Cam, we have dozens of shows trying to prove how "edgy" they are by constantly shaking and zooming the camera. The lesson here? If you can't do something right, wait awhile: the way you screw it up may become the latest "In" thing.

Note to Britney Spears: How many more times does God have to clobber you before you take the hint and GO AWAY!

We'd like to present this special Bravery For No Good Reason award to the guys and gals who take video equipment worth hundreds of thousands of dollars into really swell neighborhoods just to get 40 seconds worth of "NYPD Blue" Scene Transition shots.

Because there is no sexier look than someone with graying, receding hair and acne. It makes them look both Youthful and Mature!

Arena Football: By making the sideline areas tiny, we've actually found a way to make football *more* dangerous!

Having looked at and played several dozen Japanese-Only video games, we've come to one conclusion: We, as a country, need to send people over to Japan to see if there's still radioactive fallout in the water supply.

We don't care why you think your competition sucks. We want to hear why you think your product is *better*.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The United States will be a debtor nation by 2100, due to an economic fallout caused by everyone investing all they have in stuff made in, or stamped with, the year 2000.

Yeah, it's all funny until somebody gets hurt. Then, it's so friggin' hilarious that we laugh ourselves dizzy and have to go lay down for a while.

How To Spot Box Office Poison: When the plot synopsis begins with the line "It's the (insert race/age/gender/animal type here) version of ..".

Drew Barrymore has used her Star Power to request that the stars of the new "Charlie's Angels" movie refrain from using guns, since it sets a bad example for the kiddies. That, and it would distract from the multiple bikini shots.

Note to Parents: Please use care when naming your children. Because you don't see a lot of "President Diamond Smith" or "Cyndee Dawn Jones, CEO" listings out there, and for good reason.

A & E: Yeah, we're mostly about old TV re-runs. But, "Arts and Entertainment" makes it all sound so wondrous and exclusive, doesn't it?

God, the Devil, and Bob: Crapola is still crapola even when it's coated with ink-and-paint. See: Fish Police, Capitol Critters, Family Dog.

David Duchovny? Please look over these post-TV resumes of Shelly Long, Cindy Williams, John Amos, Denise Crosby, Larry Linville and others. Please note the number of movies they've done that are now featured at 3AM between Infomercials, or in fine Wal-Mart bargain bins everywhere. Please note the number of people who have just read this and said "Who?". As a wise man once said "Man who burns bridge behind him too soon risks burning *his* behind, as well."

If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that demands the painful execution of anyone from any party that runs vicious ads attacking the opposition, and then says "I hope they'll put aside their partisan ways and work with us" during their Acceptance Speech.

Isn't it going to be fun when the Gov't breaks up Microsoft into "Baby Bills", and we get to try and figure out which Tech Support Line to call when our computer malfunctions?

Can you name another hygiene product besides Acne Pads where the person in the commercials cleans up with it and then shoves the Product In Question into the camera so we get a nice look at all the filth? God, we hope not, either.

Note to WCW: Maybe doing a Special Monday Nitro on "How WCW Screwed Up" isn't the best way to start the federation's re-launch.

Asking us for a favor 5 seconds before it needs to be done is *not* a guarantee that we're gonna feel guilty/pressured enough to do it.

Your product is not more appealing just because you have 90-year-olds either A) Being cranky and lovable, or B) Doing flips and riding skateboards.

Incoming Clue Alert: Nothing, but NOTHING, is ever as cool as you remember it being. If you need proof of this, just turn on Cartoon Network and try to watch an old Hanna-Barbera show that you used to get up at 6:30AM to see.

Uh, Skateboarding IS a crime if you do it in an area with dozens of "No Skateboarding" signs. And the reason they're there is so Mommy and Daddy don't sue the place when you split your skull open, not because THE MAN is repressing you.

Shouldn't we be past the point in time where wrestling villains get cheap heat by yelling "You and your city SUCK!" during their interviews?

We have nothing but respect for people who stand there and videotape a tragedy in progress instead of putting down the camera and helping. Shows they have their priorities straight.

Titan AE. The trailers don't remind us of "Space Ace" AT ALL.

Note to new Internet Companies: Considering what on-line activity it's slang for, you might want to stop using the word "cyber".

Balthayzr finds that normal hands allow him to type better, but make it more difficult to steal in volume.

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