April 3rd, 2000
|April 10th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Fresh off the success of The Enigma World Tour 2000, we return to the word processor refreshed, renewed, revitalized....uh...nuts. Damn freeware Thesaurus. In any case, enjoy our latest random series of bug-infested thoughts.
And we care about the New Barbie having a belly button....why, exactly?
Note to young Job Seekers: There's a reason why Fast Food Places and Mall Stores always seem to have job openings, and it's not because of their High Personnel Standards.
And as long as we're giving away FREE advice: Beware of Job Ads that don't describe the Position or what the company does. Be especially suspicious of ads that make it sound like they're recruiting people to attend a party.
Anyone else see the irony in downloading pirated versions of Bible Software?
Because we believe that decisions affecting the future of Major Sporting Teams should be influenced by cigar-smoking middle-aged men working out of 6-watt AM radio stations.
Perhaps it's time to face the hard truth: Bryant Gumbel needs to go away before he ends up hosting a "reality" or "bloopers" show, which would frighten small children and the elderly.
You think it's time to explain to the Christian Scientists that maybe God does heal people by giving us doctors and medicines and such?
Nothing gives us more confidence in a Tech Support Line that hearing a long pause interrupted only by the sound of pages turning.
And we're not suspicious at all of phone companies that came out with Caller ID, then came out with a way to block Caller ID, then came out with a way to block calls from people using Caller ID Blocks....all for a small monthly fee, of course.
Never expect high quality from any business with "Barn" in it's name.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: A new effort-saving device will be added to future TVs, which will automatically change the channel every 3 seconds for you.
Because we think it's just so special when a Software company fixes a bug by changing 3 lines of code, and then has us update our program version by downloading the entire 35 meg program file all over again...
But, what if we think a parking space is worth bending the frame and blowing the suspension out of our New Kia? 5 years from now, we're betting that 50-odd square feet of Real Estate will be worth more...
The first step in writing a mystery novel or TV show should be a good story, not finding a "hook" for Our Hero.
Oh, GOD! The Official Kate Mulgrew Fan Club has dissolved! It's the END-TIMES! Get to the bunkers! GET TO THE BUNKERS!!!!
And how can you people be so concerned about GERMS when there are millions of microscopic BUGS living on you, your clothes, your beds...
Microscopic BUGS? Bah! What about all the FECAL MATTER these little grubbers are leaving all over you, your clothes, your beds...
About The Live-Action Tick: They supposedly changed American Maid's name to American Woman? Why, because the original name was too sexist? Surely *that* wasn't part of the gag behind the original name at all...
And, speaking of: If elected President, we promise to enact legislation to prevent the producers of any live-action version of a cartoon/comic book from changing the origin/story line/supporting cast because "People familiar with the story might be bored." or "This is *our* version of the character's story, so there!".
Here's a little bit of knowledge to sleep on: Somewhere out there, as you read this, the Blair Witch people are writing a sequel. And a TV show. And a Video Game outline.
It's not odd at all to have to stop the first lawn-mowing of the season because it's snowing.
Look, chucklehead, you're not any better than anyone else just because your 500-words-a-week column appears on a web site With An Attitude instead of a magazine With An Attitude. Believe us, we know.
We try to avoid any TV show with a "newly single" Lead Character. We also avoid those with any supporting character described as "flamboyant".
Incite Gaming Magazine: Because people care more about Snoop Dogg's favorite type of controller than they do about in-depth video game reviews.
Is it wrong to think a "Technology" section of the paper should do more than answer Computer Repair questions and list interesting web sites?
Ah, for the Good Old Days when Video Game Soundtracks were "borrowed" from Classical Music.
Barbra Streisand. In Auntie Mame. It's frightening the number of famous people that seem to be....influenced by HomeGame Columnists. Or, maybe it's just punishment for us laughing at her appearances in "South Park".
Why does a crappy piece of sculpture become so much more alluring to people when it's stuck in a globe of water with a handful of sparklies?
Where do we find Society's Brightest Stars: The Jerry Springer-esque Talk Shows, or the TV Court Programs?
And we care what Big Hollywood Personalities think about politics/world issues/gun control/etc....why, exactly?
Balthayzr looked into that Red and Yellow Light and went blind.