March 13th, 2000
|March 20th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: we celebrate our graduation from the Mr. Blackwell "How To Be A Complete Bitch" Course with some commentary on the Oscars, Politics and other examples of Why Evolving Might Have Been A Bad Idea. And, remember to take a Complimentary Issue of Original Recipe Schizotrichia (read in fine bathrooms everywhere). Just seek the carefully Hidden Link for yours, now!
Is it just us, or did they sneak in a new Ronald McDonald while we weren't looking?
If at first you don't succeed.....merge with someone who can/did.
What's the proper descriptive buzzword to use for the Internet this week, Digital or Virtual?
We're pretty sure the Stomach Flu is just God's way of testing the quick-ejection modules of all your various bodily orifices.
Amazing how Al Gore's fight for Campaign Finance Reform started about 10 seconds after one of his campaign workers was found guilty of fund-raising hanky-panky. Kind of like how people on Death Row will suddenly discover Religion as the final countdown draws nigh.
We're sure the promise of "hot" lesbian sex scenes had absolutely nothing to do with the record ratings of "If These Walls Could Talk 2".
About her canceled series "Suddenly Susan", Brooke Shields was heard to remark "Time for me to move on creatively". Which means we can look forward to Blue Lagoon 3: Zombie Love Child?
Let's check the old calendar.......yep. Time for someone to try to remake "Fawlty Towers" again.
What was the reason we needed modern remakes of "Laurel & Hardy" and "The Little Rascals", again? The Hal Roach estate need to pay out more hush money, or something?
Smith and Wesson has agreed to follow Gun Control Laws dictated by the Gov't in exchange for being exempt from future anti-gun lawsuits. Around here, that type of thing is usually called a "Protection Racket".
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: There will someday be many web sites offering a complete On-Line education, complete with diplomas and degrees. Downloadable patches will include Beating Up Kids For Lunch Money, and Being Lagged For Class excuse .txt files.
Note to the Oscar Thieves: It was inevitable that you'd get caught. We didn't think you'd be able to convince your friends that your home movies won 55 Academy Awards.
When asked about a rumor that he was being considered to be the host of this year's Oscars, Robin Williams remarked "I'd rather hang-glide nude," Thanks for that mental picture, Rob. How's that lifetime boycott of Disney going?
And it's a shame that they've cut the dance numbers from the Oscar broadcast. We were so looking forward to Stomp's interpretation of "Blame Canada".
Have we mentioned yet how much we luuuuuuv the Stomach Flu? Just checking.
If you vote for us for President, we promise to pass a law eliminating all cable stations that advertise "24 hours of programming" when all they actually do is re-run 4 hours worth of shows 6 times.
Hillary took a bit of heat over the weekend for marching in the New York St. Patrick's Day Parade without addressing the "gays are "banned" from marching" issue. If past history is any indication, Hillary will announce sometime this week that she understands their pain because she had a Great-Great Uncle that was 1/4 Gay.
Incoming Clue Alert: "Under New Management" usually means they replaced the old $7-an-hour pimply-faced teenager with a new $7-an-hour pimply-faced teenager. This does *not* mean the food's gotten better, or that the service has improved.
What registers higher on the Sad Meter; the hundreds of "Nude Patches" for games like The Sims and Tomb Raider, or the hundreds of thousands of lonely computer geeks who collect and use them?
You realize what the next logical step is in the Whoring of the WWF: another "Wrestling Album", where several wrestlers are chosen to burst the eardrums of impressionable kiddies with their "singing". If we're exposed in any way to Stone Cold singing "Bad to the Bone", be warned that we live only a short drive away from many water towers and gun shops.
Has Benny Hinn ever had to re-heal someone after they fell over backwards in rapture and fractured their skull?
"It's an honor just to be nominated" :translation: "You BASTARDS! That's the last time I sleep with any of YOU!"
Thank God that a Washington State judge declared an anti-spam law unconstitutional. Because when our Founding Fathers penned that historic document, they were doing it for the sole purpose of protecting the rights of every man, woman and child to have their e-mail inbox jammed full with ads for fake University Diplomas, Pyramid Schemes and other grey-area investments.
Enough with the Power Rangers, already!
We're glad we invested the extra 5 bucks a month for Digital Cable so we could enjoy the complete lack of quality programming on twice the channels. And in Dolby Surround Stereo, let's not forget that.
Ah, the Internet. Where else can you piss off so many people from all over the world with so little effort?
Seems Star Trek: Voyager won an award for Most Innovative Hair in the "Hair and Makeup Stylist Guild Awards". And you know that's always an indicator that it'll sweep the next Emmys.
Huh. Madonna's pregnant again. There's some nice fertilizer for our Apathy Tree.
Not to be sexist or anything, but one of the biggest differences between the ways women and men see themselves can be seen by noting that there's never really been a big ad campaign for Push-Up Boxer Shorts.
Note to the Networks in general: It really isn't good P.R. to chase down all the little fan sites and close them down over "copyright issues". You might try reading our FREE pamphlets "Why You Should Never Turn Down Free Positive Advertising" and "Why Pissing Off Your Fan Base Is A BAD Idea.".
Balthayzr discovered that green beer not only still causes a hangover, it will give you Toxic Shock Syndrome as an added bonus.