Congrats on finding this week's "Patty's Month Easter Egg" Schizotrichia. This week's green with envy edition looks at love and hate, and why you should embrace the latter like a dog in heat and your leg, so continue on at your own risk!

How does a lawn enhance the experience of being a homeowner again? Because I certainly don't see why spending energy and/or money on a small patch of grass should increase the value of a house or the enjoyment level of one's life...

Remember, it's not who has the smallest cell phone, but who has the one that can do the most stuff while looking good. It also doesn't hurt if you can make it vibrate...

A giant wheelbarrow filled with $10 million proves that there is such a thing as love at first sight...

And the existence of people who boisterously declare their ownership of iMacs or feel the need to climb walz proves there is such a thing as hate at first sight...

Someone needs to take Catherine Zeta-Jones to the Theatr Mwldan, bend her over the sound board, knock her up, and make her all stretched out...oh, wait, nevermind...

Message to movie/commercial/music video directors: There is this totally new and cool technology that I think you all should use more of. It's a "freeze pan" where there's action on the screen, but it pauses, and then the camera pans around the still action. Then, like magic, the action resumes from the new angle. It's new, hip, cool, and FRESH! So PLEASE use it over and over and over again! Use it A LOT because people will never get tired of this cool new effect! bTHANKSd assholes...

Oh, that also goes for this hip new song called "Mambo No. 5," which needs to be modified to fit whatever product is being sold...

As well as anything by Lenny Kravitz...

I just heard that MARCH 27 is our very own EvilJen's birthDAY. If you choose to send her gifts, be sure to stay away from things she hates or else she will KILL YOU! The items you wish to avoid include Nazi memorabilia, Barbie dolls, chocolates, and anything related to EverQuest, Jack Kerouac, Bill Hicks, and especially Michael Nesmith...

Hey, is it too much to ask that people be considerate and notify others when they've made the decision to go bat shit insane?

Everyone, please be aware of the NyQuil conspiracy: One adult dosage is 30ml, yet they provide you with 177ml in a bottle, just 3ml shy of an nice and equal 6 dosages. Why do they do this? Because they want you to buy more hot dogs and hot dog buns...

But why take NyQuil when hacking and coughing helps build better abs?

It's been years since we've seen a good buddy cop movie with a human and an animal. It's clearly time to revive the genre, but maybe this time we can team the loose cannon cop together with a drug sniffing cat...

Or we can call Bobcat Goldwaith to make a sequel to "Hot To Trot"...

In response to the hit play, "The Vagina Monologues," Neil Simon is already working on "The Penis Monologues." Michael Musto reports 14 restraining orders have been taken out on Jonah Falcon by Mr. Simon...

Ladies, if a man tells you "I love you," "You mean a lot to me," "You're the most special person in my life," or countless other similar lines, in English, that means, "I want to get in your pants right now."

And if he says, "I enjoy your company," he's really saying, "God, I wish you'd just shut up so we could do it." He could also mean, "Dammit, I wish we could get out of this antique store/department store/performance, so I can watch the football/baseball/basketball/hockey/etc. game, but after we do it."

FX: Because they needed a place to dump all those sleazy, reality based programs they promised not to show on Fox...

Word of advice to people who find themselves getting sick - go to work. That's right, if you find yourself sick, do not call in sick, do not pass go, strut right into work looking the worst you can. This will ensure you being sent home for as long as YOU claim you're sick, and people in charge of promotions and pay raises will have to make note of your devotion to work. Always play for the win/win...

I hear watching the Oscars in the nude is more enjoyable than watching the Emmys nude...

Even though he always turns out to be the "surprise ending" bad guy, Gary Sinise is a pretty good actor who at least deserves a legless Oscar...

Nothing beats watching an "edited for television" version of "Scarface," because all that filthy language and extreme violence are so distracting to the film's plot...

drunks@homegame.org doesn't get no scar like this from eating pizza, because he likes to keep the pizza cutter away from his head.

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