Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: After completing our plans for a Front-Row seat at next year's Oscars by stealing and then "Finding and Returning" the statues, we sat down at the keyboard and put forth this One Great Question: Could one of you out there supply us with an alibi? Thanks.

Discovery Health Channel: Tonight, a documentary on why you might have cancer. Then, a short program on why you'll have a stroke in an hour. Tomorrow, a 3 part series on how everything in the world is covered with disease and is killing you...

Note to the HacKer crowd: So, information wants to be free? Ok, fine. Please post your real names, addresses and other contact information in an appropriate location, please.

And while we're on the subject, you HacKerZ don't mind if we enter your homes and go through your personal belongings, as long as we don't break or steal anything, do you? We're teaching ourselves Locksmithing and Surveillance Techniques.

Note to women in Pro Wrestling: Aren't you afraid you're gonna land wrong on those implants and pop them?

Remember, when you're not around, all your on-line friends and acquaintances miss you terribly. Make sure to post every 15 minutes or so in the newsgroup they hang out in to dispel any fears.

Oh, and Doug Herzog? Please *do* let the door hit you on the way out. Several times. Until it splinters and large jagged pieces lodge in painful and embarrassing places.

If videogames have taught us anything, it's that Bad Guys pepper the floors of their Hide-outs with weapons and other helpful items, and only bother to hide the keys that open the Exits.

You want to know why there's not a bigger market for Electric Cars? Think about why a regular car won't start (or turns over really slowly) in the winter. Now, imagine depending on that same power source to keep the car *running*.

Uncle Bischoff! Uncle Russo! You're back from Peru! Didja bring us anything, like better angles or better use of talent?

One of our favorite types of people are the cheap bastards that burn out a headlight and attempt to cover it up by driving with their Brights on all the time.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Voter turnout will continue to be so low that future Presidential elections will be decided by a Mud Wrestling match between the candidates' various wives and mistresses.

Do grocery stores have some sort of bag distribution quota they have to meet, or have we become so weak as a nation that we can only carry our groceries if they're packed one or two items to a sack?

And what is so fascinating about the center of a walkway/aisle that makes people either walk real slowly there, or just stand there and look around? Is it the prime location to pick up radio broadcasts from Mars? Are these folks part of a secret Luddite Sect out to slow civilization down to a crawl?

Yes, we are interested in the results of the Oscars. Just not enough to sit through 4 hours of bad jokes read off cue cards and "Everyone who doesn't agree with my views is the DEVIL!!" Acceptance Speeches.

We have got to come up with some sort of visual clue (besides emoticons, please) in IRC to inform the slow-on-the-uptake when we are kidding or being sarcastic.

Huh. Seems there *was* a "Blame Canada"-based Production Number on the Oscars after all. And we're not saying that the Oscars stole the idea from here: we're just saying we're complimented to have inspired them.

If we're elected President, we promise to enact legislation that states: Any man, upon reaching the age of 35, must get rid of 1) their ponytail, and 2) any body piercings.

Incoming Clue Alert: Why bother with all the fancy Presentations of food? a $1000 meal and a 50 cent Twinkie all look the same in The End.

You have 5 seconds to stop trying to bring the Smurfs back. Starting NOW.

We're so glad that Jerry Springer proved to be a man of his word and cleaned up both his show and his act. We feel the world is a better place because of it, don't you?

They say the camera adds about 15 pounds. And, it seems, a Professional Wrestling Ring Introduction adds about 50.

You think parents ever look at the kids on these Spring Break shows and feel that all the scrimping and saving they did to send the offspring away for an education was worth it?

Want to appear instantly pretentious and/or fey? Put a "Saint" prefix on your last name.

"One Night Only!" :translation: "unless we make a lot of money at it".

Yes, a big "Thank You" to all the would-be comics that feel the need to point out "You got a haircut!" Otherwise, we'd have a nation of people wondering how their hair got shorter and their wallets got 10 bucks lighter.

What McDonald's game pieces do we have to collect to get the Free Angioplasty?

Who exactly told The Rock that Hulk Hogan wasn't using his gimmick any more, and it was OK to borrow it?

And it's not wrong at all that we spend more energy analyzing the fashions, jewelry and the Award Show Itself than we do discussing the nominees and why they won or lost.

And is it just us, or did that Earring-connected-to-Nosering-by-a-chain gimmick just look like a vicious sneeze that took a really goofy rebound?

Want to insure that one of the Big Three Wrestling Feds will hire you? Work for one of the other 2.

Balthayzr never posts to newsgroups, because keeping track of the multiple sets of "Who gets to post what, when and where" Rules gets confusing.

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