April 17th, 2000
|April 24th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: It's Spring-Cleaning Time here at Schizotrichia! Unfortunately, that means it's time
to clean out all the old, unused crappy gags and unload them en masse upon you. Hey, it's this, or
we put them back and you get twice as much crap dumped on you next year.
If you can't make your point within one or two bumper-stickers, give it up.
And we're not disturbed at all that our local Target has an entire aisle dedicated to "Appliances that "Borrow" The IMac Color Scheme".
Think the die-hard Clinton followers see the irony in Elian's being "rescued" by guys carrying Guns? Probably not...
How many times is Comedy Central gonna announce that they're making "Original Comedy Programming" before we get to see any?
Some office buildings are reportedly experimenting with installing Web Readers in elevators. Of course, being the Web, you'll be halfway to Starbucks by the time your page loads.
And no one would even think of loading a really disgusting porn-based page right before they get off the elevator.
We understand the upcoming Starsky And Hutch video game will include a free CD of HGI's own Language Lessons, so you can translate what Huggy Bear says without bothersome sub-titles.
And you know someday, when the world becomes so technologically advanced that everything anyone wants is handed to them on a silver platter, that people will bitch that the guy carrying the platter is wearing the wrong-colored gloves.
We don't see *any* sort of plot behind the fact that it costs 200 bucks to repair a VCR, but 175 bucks to buy a decent new one.
Wasn't it thoughtful of God to arrange it so that there's no place on earth that's 100% safe from extreme killer weather conditions?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The average person will weight 550 pounds by 2087, and will survive by living off the money they got by suing the Snack Food Companies for not putting "This stuff will make you fat if you eat 5 pounds of it a day" Warning Labels on their products.
Aren't you just so glad Leo DeCaprio is around to show us the error of our ways? Because we were just gonna dump all this toxic waste in the kiddie pool, but now he's inspired us to recycle it!
Is there a less deadly alternative to cigarettes? Well, you *could* always knock off the smoking, but we guess that's just our MEAN side showing, there...
Why, yes, we are so hypnotized by technology that we'll gladly struggle with a stuttering net feed of something that wouldn't stay on our TV for longer than 5 seconds.
An Austrian TV station is having an essay contest, with the female winner to get a free breast enhancement. There's a line in there about the capabilities of ...certain women to string together several written coherent sentences, but we believe we shall refrain.
Uprima. A new anti-impotence drug for men. Up-rima. Ah, gotta love the weeks when this crap almost writes itself.
Yes, we make decisions about our Belief System and our Eternal Souls based solely on a 5-minute conversation we had with strangers at our front door at 8AM.
Why are Infomercials on at 3AM? Because we can't think of anyone outside the HomeGame that's watching TV at such an hour and has much of a disposable income...
If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that demands that anyone who causes people to lose jobs by getting their place of business closed down through protests or lawsuits must support them and find them comparable new employment.
In light of the laptop reported missing from the Bureau of Intelligence and Research, the Government has asked for all EverQuest players to report any sightings of an Elf Magician named "Gandalph Magus".
Interesting how the definition of "old" changes with each passing Birthday, doesn't it?
Believe us, fellas, nothing impresses a girl on a first date more than showing her the collection of stuff you fished out of her garbage on nights when her shades were drawn.
It does our heart good to see the Rap community fighting Napster, the Internet "Music Sharing" program. Because if there's one section of the music scene that's aquatinted with the Evils of using music that doesn't belong to them, it's Rappers.
Note to the Early Morning News Shows: Any particular reason why we should care any more about a Russian Girl who can sing in 20 octaves at 5AM this morning any more than we did at 10PM last night?
Ooh, Lunchables. Because growing children need 1000% of the daily recommended amount of fat, cholesterol and sodium.
Cripes, when Bob Hope wished for Eternal Life, maybe he should have remembered to wish for Eternal Youth, also.
So, we constantly hear that babies should get only breast milk. What are single fathers supposed to do, go down to the local Human Farms Dairy? And if they do, we do *not* want any details.
Someone explain why the same parents that don't want "you kids even holding HANDS!!" will start asking for grandkids 15 minutes after the ceremony is over.
What exactly is the point in writing a virus? You never really get to see the results firsthand. Hell, 99% of the fun in a practical joke is seeing the look on the victim's face and then gasping for breath after you outran him and his car over the course of 15 blocks...
Yeah, we know we've beat this dead horse several times, but once again, with Feeling; EXTREME RODEO???
Balthayzr got a box of chocolate-covered thetans for Easter.