May 1st, 2000
|May 8th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: It's the Special "No MSG" version of Schizotrichia, once again featuring many
lines that seemed a lot funnier when we thought of them at 3AM while reading "Wine For Dummies" on the toilet.
SHUT UP AND CATCH THE MONKEY!
OK, let's see if we got this straight: George Bush Sr. "claiming" residency in a state he didn't live in was Wrong. Hillary "claiming" residency in a state she didn't live in was Fine. Glad we got that straightened out.
Incoming Clue Alert: Owning a copy of Quicken isn't going to instantly solve the problem of you having 12 maxed-out credit cards, or the fact that you regularly Overdraft your account because you only enter information into the program about twice a month.
Ever wonder where the people who sell flowers at intersections get their wares? Most of them get their flowers by rooting around in dumpsters behind funeral homes. Enjoy.
There's something oddly nostalgic about visiting a web-site with no Java, no pictures, no fancy navigation or pop-up ads: just plain-text, easy-to-find information on a grey background.
Never let them see you sweat. Why? Because you look disgusting and you probably smell bad.
A lot of arguments could be avoided if people would remember this one Rule Of Life: Just because a person disagrees with a point you've made doesn't mean they hate you, think you're stupid, or wish to persecute you and your kind.
Of course animals belong in zoos. Otherwise, our monthly toss-marshmallows-to-a-polar-bear fix would get really expensive and inconvenient.
And we don't think some paleontologists are faking it at all when they hold up a piece of rock the size of a baby's toenail and claim it came from the left shin of a teenage female Tyrannosaurus that was born on a Tuesday, probably late in the afternoon.
Of course the moon landing was faked. We actually landed on Neptune, and NASA was too ashamed to admit that they got lost and wouldn't stop for directions, so they just all agreed to go along with the "moon" story.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The next millionaires of the Internet will be a company that discovers the process of copying word-heavy Online content such as Instruction Manuals and Novels onto an easy-to-carry, non-electronic form, so that they may be read and enjoyed when the consumer doesn't have access to his computer.
Because we're sure the reason you spent 5000 bucks on a Car Stereo system is so that you can be the modern incarnation of Mr. B. Natural and selflessly share the Gift of Music with everyone.
Oh, yes, you're the only person on earth who's thought to assign a "barf" or a "toilet flush" sound to Emptying The Recycle Bin/Trash Can on your computer.
OK, answering "You called?" to someone who has just muttered "Oh, God" was amusing for about 5 minutes back in 1854. Knock it off.
And answering the so-called wit with "I said God, not clod" was never funny at all...
What's more fun that a web site that offers you 8000 cookies? A web site that makes you accept each and every one before it lets you view any of it's "content".
And what's even more fun than that? Web sites that refresh their advertising "content" every 30 seconds or so, thus making you click on more cookie notices while you're trying to read/download something...
Note to the Telemarketers: Yes, informing us that this is a "Courtesy Call" completely fools us into thinking that this message is something important, and not a spiel to get us to accept a credit card from a place we've never heard of.
If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that would prevent any News Agency from doing an "Update" or reporting "The Latest" on a news story unless something New and/or Important had actually occurred.
Note to new mothers: Those beds they have on display in Bedding departments aren't there to be used as Changing Tables. We could be wrong, but we have this inkling of an idea that what you need is located behind the doors marked "Bathrooms - Changing Tables".
Someone explain to us why a girl who spends hours every day working out and starving herself, then dresses in a tube top and a G-String, gets mad when people look at her. Kinda like baking a cake and getting pissed when folks want a slice.
Want a nice cardiovascular workout? Just forget where and when you last saw your checkbook and/or wallet.
You'd think after all these years, someone would have figured out that you could just take out Batman with a simple Sniper Rifle and a nice high place with plenty of cover to shoot from.
And nothing gives quite as many giggles as putting one member of a married couple on a "Lonely Singles" mailing list.
Note to the Polaroid company: We don't care how much fun it is, we are not shelling out our hard-earned money for something called "Sticker Film". Sounds like something one would pay to be *rid* of.
Nice to see that Mother Nature has streamlined her operation, and has cut down to 2 Seasons: Hot And Sticky, and Cold And Damp.
The annual meeting of the American Thoracic Society (that, for some reason, took place in Toronto), has put forth the theory that Asthmatics have less-than-satisfactory Love Lives. And we'd like to apologize to everyone for reporting this little fact with the intention of making a really bad "heavy breathing" joke.
Because maybe it's time to stop reading that newsgroup if it's Killfile is taking up more room on your hard drive than all the group's messages...
And the moral of the story is: When someone says "I LOVE YOU", better use some protection or you might end up with a nasty bug.
Note to the people colorizing Classic cartoons: Don't think we're not noticing the fact that you're "accidentally" cutting out some of the gags to save time and money.
Balthayzr wrote the "I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND" virus.