April 24th, 2000
|May 1st, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: after having spent May Day protesting the high price of Purina Enigma Chow, we once again present another 20-odd lines of stuff that we swear we didn't toss together at the last second.
Yes, the reason that that person of the opposite sex smiled at you as they handed you your purchase is obviously because they're crazy about you and can barely contain their animal lust.
The same goes for the on-line person who commented on the cuteness of your Internet Nick-Name.
Having 3 scoops of spinach dip at a party 4 weeks ago does *not* make up for the fact that you haven't eaten any vegetables since Tiffany was on the Billboard Charts. Neither does leaving the lettuce and tomato on your Bacon Triple Cheeseburger.
We understand that part of the Government's action against Microsoft is that Bill Gates is to be forced to watch 12 hours of pretentious Jeff Goldblum-narrated "Buy an IMac, or there's something wrong with you" commercials.
Watching someone weaving in traffic because they're on a cell-phone is fun enough without discovering they're holding the phone to their right ear with their left hand as they jot down notes with the other hand.
At what point do we tell all these Older Ladies that the few wrinkles they had were not nearly as hard on the eyes as their oddly-dimpled over-stretched face-lift that makes them look like an alien from Doctor Who?
Is it time to stop working "phat" and "whacked" into casual conversations yet?
The amount of compliments you receive from higher-ups at work is directly proportionate to the amount of time until your next Raise Review.
One wonders if all these series getting cancelled would have gotten better ratings if they got as many commercials dedicated to a normal episode as they got dedicated to the First or Final ones.
Why, of course we'll pay 40 bucks for a dollar coin that's had paint slapped on it's portrait. We're sure that makes it so much more valuable to future collectors.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By the year 2847, scientists and mathematicians will finally have settled the all-important question concerning whether the Millennium started in the year 2000 or 2001, and whether anyone really cares.
MP3.com is infringing on copyrights? No, that's gotta be wrong. MP3s were invented so struggling artists could give away free samples of their music. We have no idea where this piracy idea crap came from.
Uh, Mr. McCain? You didn't get the nomination. Go sit down somewhere, please.
Andy Dick has been clean and sober for nine months? Can't be, he's still mildly amusing.
Anyone else watching the Battlefield Earth trailers and fighting the urge to say "Barbarino....in.....SPAAAAAACE"!
We have some sad news to report: Mirabella magazine has stopped publication. Those of us with outstanding subscriptions can either accept a refund, or get it switched over to Big Jugs Digest.
For someone who wished for privacy for her and her baby, we sure are getting a lot of updates on Madonna's Personal Life, aren't we?
We demand that the all-celebrity version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" be investigated immediately! Because we think that the stars *might* somehow have been fed the answers.
If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that call for the immediate execution of all idiots who walk their shopping carts all the way over to the cart return, only to leave them in the adjoining parking space. The same would go for folks who walk bags of garbage out to a dumpster and leave them laying in front of them because they don't want to get their hands dirty.
Dracula 2000? Does anyone actually read this crap before they start filming?
We're shocked and appalled that Puffy Comb's friends and hangers-on seem to be deserting him in his hour of need. Remember the Good Old Days, when a Famous Person's Legions of Parasites used to hang around until the star had declared bankruptcy at least 3 times?
Exactly how much of our tax dollars was spent on a recent study linking sexual promiscuity in youth to excessive drinking?
Because we need to find that fine line between warning our children about the Bad Things In Life and scaring them so badly that they spend their lives in bunkers writing crappy rant columns...
And, of course, it's an excess of capitalism that allows you to make enough money so that you can travel the country with friends so you can protest An Excess Of Capitalism.
The next Internet Millionaire will be the person who invents a newsreader that can detect when a thread has wandered off it's original subject and has become a discussion on, say, a bad experience a person had at work.
And this week's Oddest Advertising Tag Line Award goes to the Malt-O-Meal brand of cold cereals, most of which carry the label "Sweetened All Natural Flavored Cereal". Because an inch-thick sugar glazing is a "Sweetened All Natural Flavoring", we guess.
"It's easier to hit the delete button than to complain about Spam". And we bet it's a *lot* easier to take us off your address lists than it is to hunt for a new ISP every few weeks, huh?
Amazing how a Talk Show that clashes with our views is "A bunch of raving idiots", while one that agrees with our world view is "A series of well thought-out points made by intelligent people".
Because it makes perfect sense to spend 50 bucks subscribing to the TV Guide, getting it and reading the Soap Updates, and then tossing it aside to spend the rest of the week flipping channels looking for something to watch.
Al Gore wants a vice-president candidate that's different from himself? No, way too easy. You guys can have this one.
Balthayzr hears sex is the next Theme Ingredient on "Iron Chef".