Welcome to the special "Cinco de Mayo Easter Egg" version of this "Disneyline" copy of Schizotrichia. This week, we take on Disneyland, and in its honor we ask that you to stand in line under the hot sun for 2 hours to get a nice tan or burn before reading on, so continue on at your own risk!

Hey, where's the line for the ride that'll end up being disappointing? Oh wait, that's every line...

The Disney Annual Pass, for people who want to kill themselves slowly...

To Tony Roma's: If you have to say you're famous for your steaks in your sign, then you probably aren't...

Yes, HELLLEH, Scientology does kill...

Because we all need to see a 60-something year old wearing a "Buttweiser" t-shirt.

The happiest place on earth, huh? I never knew they changed the definition of happiness to mean lots of crying and whiny kids...

It's all about the Monte Cristo sandwich at the Blue Bayou...

If any of you do find yourself at Disneyland, be sure to go to the Haunted House, but only if Meynard is working there, because he KICKS ASS!

Pocahontas needs to be bent over a teepee and repeatedly asked to smoke the peace pipe...

They call it Tomorrowland because the rides break down so much that you won't be able to ride on them until tomorrow...

Note to Victoria's Secret: You might want to reconsider your whole "We're a great place to buy a Mother's Day gift" promotion...

True, they could be targeting husbands with wives, who are the mothers of their kids, but in that case, that's what they should say, because the last things I want in the same thought process is Victoria's Secret and my mother...

I wish I had the mind powers to make people pay me so they can stand in line for several hours to ride on something that'll last a few minutes...

Disney: Just a glorified pimp?

A "quality" dentist will in fact tell you to not engage in oral sex after oral surgery...

You know, that death glare you gave me when I said I'd like to cook up that new baby Giant Panda only serves to encourage me...

And is there anything but a "Giant Panda"? Because they're all we seem to hear about, which means those other pandas, if they do exist, need to get a better agent, like Mike Ovitz...

It should not be a crime to stand in front of the spider monkey cages and masturbate...

What's the big deal with the pandas anyway? God knows they'd stick their willy in your ear given the chance...

Although you know Woody Allen gets a hard-on whenever he hears the name of a baby panda...

Families who get "family vacation shirts" should be shot dead, on the spot...

Gene Hackman, he's good in everything...

TNT gets this week's class award for showing "Born In East LA" for Cinco de Mayo...

And I am convinced more than ever that Walt Disney was a homosexual pedophile...

Those phallic desserts made from frozen bananas that have been dipped in chocolate do nothing to combat that belief...

drunks@homegame.org didn't win the Super Bowl, but he went to Disneyland anyway.

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