May 29th, 2000
|June 5th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: It's time for the "Uncle Balth Watches *Way* Too Much "E!" And "Fox News" While Writing This Crap" Show, with commentary on Personal Hygiene (you know who you are), Entertainment, and other ways to fill one's empty, empty life.
Because seeing an Armored Car half eaten way by rust just doesn't give us that "your money is SAFE" feeling we should be getting by trusting our cash to an armored car...
Yes, don't bother looking around as you back out of your parking space at 40 MPH, because Back-Up Warning Lights produce a force-field that safely guides kids and animals away from your bumper.
If Survivor gets cancelled before all the episodes are shown/shot, are the remaining contestants just gonna be left on that island? And, is it wrong that we hope the answer is "Of course"?
We wouldn't dream of grabbing a bunch of those Customer Satisfaction Surveys from a retail store or eatery and filling them all out with the most negative commentary possible, and we're not suggesting any of you out there do it, either.
And we're also sure that we're the first people on Earth to think of that...
You think the reason that Clinton is willing to share our Missile Tech with "allies" is so that, when it's discovered one day that unfriendly nations have our various missile secrets, he can have other people to blame it on?
Incoming Clue Alert: Just because some lazy slob left an expensive item on the Clearance Table rather than put it back where he got it, the store is *not* required to sell it to you at Clearance Price.
ABC is claiming that the new animated version of Clerks is a "Limited Series". And we say, Truer Words Were Never Spoken.
Note to the Enquirer: Could your Photogs maybe back off a step, or turn down their flashes, or something? Because we really don't need to see William Shatner's impressive collection of blackheads, or Liz Taylor's various Facial Scars that badly.
We're glad various pundits are demanding that the "Technologically Disadvantaged" be given Free Computers and Net Access, because the Internet sure needs another large AOL-like influx of Clueless Newbies asking what "LOL" means...
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2106, most muggers will take both MasterCard and Visa, thus making random street crime just a little less inconvenient for everyone.
Want to be given lots of free desserts? Tell folks what the Jell-O they're eating is really made of.
Rule Of Life #209: If an item you've never tried before is On Sale, and you buy one, it's Good. If you buy several boxes, it's disgusting beyond belief.
You know that that upcoming Summer Movie is gonna be Quality when it's release date gets pushed back to Sept/Oct...
You can save a lot of time and money at a carnival just by sticking your finger down your throat right after you enter the grounds.
And there's nothing quite as sexy as a person wearing so much cologne/perfume that they cause a Level 6 Ozone Alert every time they leave the house.
Nothing is quite so Wrong as being halfway through your Oral Hygiene routine and discovering you aren't using your own toothbrush.
Speaking of, Note to the Ladies: Please do us a favor, and tell us when you use our razor. Not that we mind sharing, but it's kind of disquieting to patch Tiger Woods-Quality divots in our face because we used what we thought was a new blade, but instead was used by a Significant Other to rid herself of bodily hair deposits...
If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that demands that Stand-Up Comics write an entire new routine at least once a year.
You never realize just how much crapola you've accumulated until you have to re-install it all after a Hard Drive Reformat.
Rule Of Life #742: Always carry a small tape measure around with you, because nothing is as aggravating as bringing home a new HouseHold-related purchase and discovering it's 2 inches too big for the Perfect Location you had picked out for it.
OK, half the secret to using the Exact Change Only Lane is to have the exact change ready.
Same rule applies to using the Checks And Credit Cards Accepted Lanes.
Incoming Clue Alert: Organic is *not* necessarily better for you. Poop is organic. Salmonella is organic. Syphilis is organic...
Is it really necessary to have program listings for the Golf Channel? Shouldn't the channel name be enough of a hint of what you'll be watching?
Note to Dog Owners: You know, you're not fooling anyone, following your pooch around with a plastic bag.
Because it's worth risking life and limb to gain Immortality from a 1 line entry in the Guinness Book of Records.
One wonders if the health benefits are outweighed by the risks when a person goes jogging in 110-degree heat, below-zero cold, and/or driving rain.
You do realize that that "New Car Smell" is just sprayed in there on the assembly line, don't you?
Thanks for labeling the product "Breakfast Cereal", so we don't commit any social faux pas by serving it at any large Dinner Parties.
Balthayzr is busily writing an All-Singing, All-Dancing version of The Practice.