Schizotrichia by Balthayzr

June 5th, 2000
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December 27th, 1999
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June 12th, 2000

Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

THIS WEEK: This *was* to be the All Request Version of SCHIZOTRICHIA, but, since most of the requests we received involved violating FCC and Natural Laws, we decided to just go with the usual bunch of Pop Culture crap.

Note to Foley People everywhere: You know, there are other video game-related soundtracks besides the Atari 2600 versions of Pac-Man, Donkey Kong and Galaxian.

And no, we don't think we lead empty, useless lives because we can instantly recognize a game from it's sound track/effects, but thanks for the concern.

Hearing Bullwinkle say "Wassssssuuuuup?" is one of the most disturbing things we've ever encountered...

Of course Slim-Fast doesn't work the way it's supposed to when you make the shakes with Whole Milk, and have like 5 of them a day as you sit on the couch like it's become a permanent part of your anatomy.

We're completely shocked that the Gov't suspects that Price Gouging is involved somehow with the Rising Gas Prices, because we all know the honorable history all the Big Oil Companies have...

OK, the Snickers commercial, where the guy has the centerfold of the panda, and is pretending it's singing about how pretty it is? Is it wrong that we hope that there's some SuperBowl-like longer version that features a S.W.A.T. team coming in to the office and taking this guy out?

And have we mentioned that The Undertaker's new gimmick makes him look like someone's father decided to dress up like a Hell's Angel for the Moose Lodge's annual Halloween Costume Party?

Number 137 on the List Of Things Wrestling Fans Don't Wanna Hear From Non-Fans: "How come the ref never sees all this cheating?".

Reality Check, folks: "Bloom County" "The Far Side" and "Calvin and Hobbes" are *not* coming back. Ever.

And even if they did, they'd probably be drawn and written by the same group of hacks that revived "Pogo" and "Terry and the Pirates", and Lord knows no one wants that.

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By the year 2021, people from the Biography Channel will be knocking on your door and saying "Hi. Would you mind signing these release forms?".

Note to the Fox Network: Why are you pushing "Family Guy" and "The PJs" when one is cancelled, and the other is sold to The WB Network?

Note to the Premium Cable Channels: Why on earth would anyone want to watch a heavily censored porno movie? For the plot?

Is it some sort of Law that demands that any movie involving Outer Space must be described by at least one reviewer as being "Out Of This World."?

Probably from the same set of Laws that forbids anyone in a movie or TV show from shutting off the headlights of their car after they get out of it...

"Leprechaun in the Hood"? We get the sneaky suspicion that the producers of this fine film franchise aren't taking it very seriously anymore...

Gee, Geraldo, maybe the reason you can't get any "serious journalist" jobs is because your two biggest claims to fame are that you opened an empty vault on live TV, and got whacked in the face by a chair-wielding neo-nazi.

Nothing makes a web site more fun than that last Pop-Up ad that appears as you leave the site. Especially when it's some sort of "What did you think of our site" survey or an ad for the web-space provider.

If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that would demand that all political candidates tell us what they are *for* as much, if not more, as what they are *against*.

And what's really scary: Andrew Lloyd Webber probably has 15 more musicals about ready to go.

No, having lunch at the same place as your manager and talking about the Stock Truck being late that morning does not count as a Business Meeting.

Incoming Clue Alert: Just because the design of the logo has changed doesn't mean the product has gotten any better.

And what's more fun that coming out of a movie and loudly discussing the ending? Coming out and loudly discussing a fake ending ("Yeah, that was neat when it turned out that the little kid hanging around with Bruce could "feel" ghosts because he was one himself").

Yes, we *do* mind if you pause your transaction with the sales person because you got a call on your cell phone. And we bet you'd have a fit if the sales person paused your transaction while they gabbed on the phone with a friend.

We don't know if we buy this argument that Modern Entertainment teaches kids that death isn't permanent, mainly because we don't think gang-bangers are shooting each other with the expectation that their rivals are just gonna pop right back up again.

And we have total confidence in any Company that can't even transfer a call without disconnecting the caller 5 or 6 times...

It's a complete coincidence that half the world's inventions are made to make our lives easier, and the other half are exercise machines we need because we take life easy.

You think Peter Weller ever sits up alone at night and thinks "Would starring in that last Robocop movie *really* have hurt my career that much?".

Any reason why we should pay 6 bucks for a jar of Emeril's spices when we can get the recipe off one of his web sites for free?

And you know that out there, somewhere, someone is planning an "Extreme!!!" version of Hee Haw.

Balthayzr is still waiting for the new Summer Tin-Foil Hat fashions to be presented.

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