May 22nd, 2000
|May 29th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: having celebrated Memorial Day by sneaking into the Veteran's Hospital and yelling "INCOMING!!", we once again apply photon to energized glass and bang out 20+ lines of stuff we dug out of Garrison Keillor's garbage can.
Incoming Clue Alert: Christmas lights, especially those dangling Icicle Lights, are *not* year-round decorations. No matter how nice your business is, they make it look like a street-corner Flea Market.
A "Lord Of The Dance" movie? Not only must we have been someone very, very evil in a Past Life, we must have killed Mother Theresa and Pope John Paul in their Past Lives...
Note to Don Lapre: You know, a big part of selling items on an Infomercial is to not talk to the audience like they're a bunch of slightly deaf 5-year-olds, thus making people want to reach through the television and smack the bejeezus out of you.
Of course, we're discussing a guy who has "conveniently" forgotten that pyramid schemes and fraud are against the law, and seems to attract folks who can't even spell those words, so one guesses he might actually be speaking over their heads...
Why are some Home Depots open 24 hours? Because we're not sure that we want to meet the person coming in at 3AM looking for Steel Plumbing Nipples or Joint Compound.
President Clinton gave a lovely speech this Memorial Day, saying that the American People would "Never forget those who Served". Would that include those who raaaaaaaaaaan like a Sissy Boy when their turn came?
A man died in the Philippines when he bailed out of a jet he had Hijacked and his home-made parachute fell apart during his decent. We would like to take this moment, and share a thought with his surviving family members... BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA... *gasp, gasp* HAHAHAAA!!!!
Because we don't mind AT ALL visiting your site, and not only having to wait for a 3-meg Flash Site Navigation thingy to download, but having the damn thing reload on EVERY BLINKING PAGE...
Why are people so surprised and saddened when elderly celebrities die? What, you think because they're famous, they're somehow immune to Natural Laws? (Insert Dick Clark joke of your choice here)
Note to the writers of NYPD Blue: Might we ask that you come up with another Plot Twist besides the "Someone close to Andy Sipowitz DIES!!" routine?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By the year 2230, women will be required by law to have Breast Implants at birth.
And it really doesn't do much good to spend days coming up with clever computer, e-mail and web site passwords, and then writing them all on one piece of paper and leaving it right next to your computer.
Because we're sure that the time and money spent on the Technology used to make Indy Cars go faster really wasn't needed for cancer research or an AIDS cure or solving world hunger...
At what point in a singer's career do they decide their fan base would rather listen to covers of old Swing and Jazz songs rather than their Original Music?
Is it wrong that we think Changing Rooms, the BBC series where neighbors re-decorate each other's houses, would be a lot better if they picked neighbors that absolutely hated each other?
You just know Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter on Discovery Channel, is gonna die of Natural Causes at the age of 103...
Boy, leaving any Trek Series before it's over sure seems to be a swell career move, huh?
You think the French are just gonna own up at some point and say "You guys know we were kidding about Jerry Lewis and all the snail eating, right?"?
If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that would force movie makers to take down their "screen savers and desktop wallpaper based on our MOVIE!!" websites within 2 months of the movie appearing on Cable Television.
Note to Rosie O'Donnell: Your kid's bodyguard at school needs a gun to do his job? Is there a place on the Net where we can download these 2 sets of Laws that seem to differ so much between the Great Unwashed and the Rich And Famous, so we can avoid confusion like this in the future?
Boy, you newspaper columnists sure know how to sock it to EVIL conservatives, rarely (if at all) wishing them Happy Birthday in your column! You hard bastards, you!
You're not a true Computer Geek unless you've built your own system. And by "built", we don't mean that you turned to the Options page in the Dell Catalogue and picked out a couple of equipment changes.
And we're really not that sad about Smith-Corona declaring bankruptcy again, mainly because it's really hard to store 5 gigs of porn and "borrowed" software on a typewriter.
There really needs to be an age set somewhere, after which it's no longer considered "cute" for a young woman to have several hundred yards worth of stuffed animals covering her bed.
Who told Martin Lawrence that we needed an African-American version of Mrs. Doubtfire?
Yeah, people don't tune in to Dr. Laura to hear her rip on callers the same way they don't watch auto races to watch for random car parts to fly into the crowd.
Incoming Clue Alert: Add something more to your newsgroup follow-up posting besides "I agree" or "LOL!!". They're called Discussion Groups, not Random Quip Groups.
Because we're certainly not watching Survivor in the hopes it becomes some sort of Lord Of The Flies Senior Tour...
We can kind of understand why Talk Soup goes through so many hosts. Guess "Made fun of the idiots on Jerry Springer for a year" really doesn't spice up that old Acting Resume...
A new Ocean's Eleven , starring Bruce Willis, Michael Douglas, Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt? What comment (besides "Oh, God, please someone say April Fools") could possibly do that justice?
Balthayzr has been working on a series of HGI Pez Dispensers.