June 19th, 2000
|June 26th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Having lost our spot in Making The Band and the chance to go on Nation-Wide Tour, we return
to our keyboard, sadder but wiser, and once again comment on the World Around Us.
Be careful what you Wish for. Not only will you have to pay taxes on it, you'll have to explain to the authorities where exactly you got it from.
There is no greater test of any relationship than to lock the participants in a car for a long trip with an out-dated road map, going to a place none of them have ever been.
Note to the goofs who ease up to the Tollbooth's gate, just waiting for you to drop in your money so they can sneak through and leave you stranded: That's an awful lot of trouble to cause just to save 50 cents, isn't it?
Have we mentioned lately just how mind-numbing Auto Racing is? Because, if we have, it needs to be repeated for the safety of Mankind.
You are not getting the most out of your movie or video-rental dollar with any movie whose title ends with "Academy".
Dennis Miller on Monday Night Football? Okay, ha-ha, very funny. No, really, who's the new co-host?
Big Brother? Nice idea for a series. We bet it would be even better if you took, say, a half-dozen or so good-looking teens, put them together in a house they could never afford in a thousand years, and put it on a Network with a larger teen demographic like, say......VH-1.
Incoming Clue Alert: There's a good reason why that ripped-up, taped-together, squashed box is sitting there on the Clearance Table.
Shame on you for canceling Time Of Your Life, Fox Network! Don't you know Jennifer Love Hewitt is DA BOMB?
Note to N'Sync: When God sends His Wrath down upon the stage that you'll be performing on, and reduces it to a Modern Art Piece, it *may* just be a sign that it's time to look for a new career.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 2093, the US will suffer an economic collapse caused by addiction to a new On-Line game called Real Life, in which participants create a character and nurture him through school, work, love, and other activities not normally associated with Online Gaming.
If we believe anything the pundits say, seems the best proof one can have of a person's innocence is that they've been arrested by the Police.
We got a quick question for Verdant, based on the numerous times we've watched friends play Everquest: Why does the Software Agreement pop up *every* time a person starts the game? Is it just in case the person playing woke up this morning, changed his mind about being a professional Software Pirate, and needed a quick reminder that that's Naughty?
Note to WCW: A wrestling show that's 90% wrestling, with just enough back-stage crap to establish angles? You know, it's just so wacky an idea, it just *might* work.
Incoming Clue Alert: Randomly quoting pothead lingo, like "4:20" or "fatty", is not impressive in the least.
And we completely believe that those 27-step "Secret Codes" submitted to gaming magazines mere hours after the game in question is released are, in fact, submitted by normal gamers, and not folks from the Gaming Companies looking for free advertising space.
You realize, of course, that Godzilla 2000 is the first and only movie to be made and released as a direct apology for a previously released film...
Any chance of us isolating and eliminating the Complete Asshole gene, the "My Time Is Much More Important Than Yours" gene and the "Let's Blame Everyone But Ourselves" gene?
If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that would demand that all magazines priced over 3 bucks an issue be at least 70% Actual Content.
Tackiest Thing We Ever Got In The Mail, And We Swear We Actually Received: A coupon good for $100 bucks off a funeral.
6-Space CD Players. Dashboard-mounted navigation systems. Cell Phones. Here's a novel Idea: Pay attention to the frigging ROAD.
So, any chance Mike "Ears To You" Tyson is gonna fight any actual professional boxers in the near future? Probably not, as the last few times he did something like that, he got knocked around a bit.
Ever think you'd see the day that you see gas selling for $1.60 a gallon and remark "Boy, gas is getting cheap."?
Because there's just a certain bit of odd joy in having somebody announce a New Web Site all over IRC/Usenet, then watch it die a slow, agonizing, burned-out death after about a month's worth of weekly updates.
Boy, it sure was worth passing us on a curve and almost running everyone off the road just so you could be in front of us instead of behind us at that stoplight, huh?
Remember the Good Old Days, when movie theatres had ushers with huge flashlights that would actually come into the theatre while the movie was playing and tell noisy patrons to Shut The Hell Up?
Nothing's quite as much fun as finding out a computer game you were addicted to many years ago has just been released as Freeware so it can once again chew a major chunk out of your life...
You know it's only a matter of time before some goof with way too much time on his hands starts planning a Spice Girls Reunion tour. Especially since the girls' individual careers are going so swimmingly.
We've never seen anything hit the Bargain Bins faster than the Battlefield Earth Action Figures. Geez, even the Devlin-based Godzilla figures lasted longer at full price.
And, speaking of, think the Scientos have gotten their orders yet to start bugging their local Video Stores in preparation for the film's VHS/DVD Release?
Balthayzr lost ten bucks betting on the Iron Chef - New York Battle.