Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!

....and what a long, strange trip it's been. And will continue to be...

THIS WEEK: It was a year ago this week that a young lad named Donovan Unks decided to lash out at what he saw as an unfair and unjust world. But, how to do so without fear of censorship, not to mention without access to proper firepower or high water towers?
The answer was, of course, a web-based rant Column called Schizotrichia. And it was Good, awakening a internet community rendered comatose by inane newsgroup postings and inferior copycats. Unfortunately, it was only a few short months until The Man discovered him. The raid came down in the dead of night early in December 1999, and sent young Donovan fleeing into the night. To this day, mere steps ahead of the jack-booted thugs of the World Trade Organization, reporter Jack McGee, and the underground anti-propoganda organization known as DARKLOVE, he continues the fight, sending in occasional supplements to the weekly column whenever he can find a moment's peace and an unguarded phone jack.
His fight continues to this day, the flag being picked up by Balthayzr E. Kelley. And the less said about him, the better.

Not that we're big Animal's Rights nuts or anything, but is it really a good idea to use mousetraps that kill the mice? What the hell do you think's going to happen to all the fleas and ticks and disease now that their food source is dead?

Incoming Clue Alert: When a magazine offers you a "Free Trial Issue at NO Obligation", what it really means is that you've been signed up for a year's subscription, and it's now YOUR obligation to call the magazine company to stop the subscription before you start getting billed.

And now, a moment of Silence for the Taco Bell Chihuahua, who now becomes a member of the Museum Of Commercials That Were Loved By All While The Product They Advertised Was Hated.

Oh, God! Streisand's only doing 4 more concerts, and then is going to retire FOREVER??? Where's the credit cards? Get Ticketmaster on the phone, stat!!!

Interesting that the Clintons can't remember what happened 5 minutes ago when asked during an investigation, but can remember word-for-word a conversation Hillary had almost 30 years ago...

If the bumper stickers are any indication, any kid with enough brain activity to stay vertical in a school chair for a few hours a day is an Honor Student somewhere...

What exactly is in Gatorade that makes the poor folks in the commercials sweat the same exact color of the drink they're consuming?

Nothing breaks the ice with a lady, especially with a married lady, like staring at her breasts as though she were wearing a T-shirt with the secret to Eternal Life And Happiness printed on it in millimeter-high letters.

Respect the Mullet!

And no, Coyote Ugly does not look like a bad syndicated series that you'd see on USA at about 2AM Sunday Morning AT ALL...

CRAPWELL PREDICTS: It will be discovered that we are all the Virtual Pets of an extremely advanced race, and all the various Sightings of angels and UFOs and the like are just mini-games built into the toy.

It's really sad when your claim to fame is that you attended some sort of live televised event and managed to hit someone, on camera, in the face or chest with the beam from your laser pointer.

So, according to the rules, you can bring any weapon into a Hardcore Wrestling Match. Why not a gun?

Why, yes, we do want to pay a buck to have the phone company re-dial an unanswered phone call for us, because it's way too much trouble to reach over and hit the re-dial button ourselves.

Tom Green either has either one of the best acts in comedy, or is an extremely dangerous psycho who needs to be locked up and heavily medicated before he hurts someone. And, either way, it makes for good TV.

OK, we give. How much money do we have to donate to just make Tammy Faye go away forever?

And what's more fun than seeing the guy in the next car exploring his various pimples and nostrils? Seeing him discovering the culinary possibilities of what he finds...

Because it sure is worth saving a couple of bucks going with some real off-brand insurance company, especially since you're gonna need all that extra money when they refuse to pay off any of your claims, or when they triple your rates after someone dings your bumper.

If elected President, we promise that we'll govern and make laws that are actually based on facts and needs, and not opinion polls or attempting to repay "debts" to friends and contributors.

Nothing's quite as sad or disturbing as watching a failing faddish musical group try to completely remake/update it's image.

Remember, people respect you and your opinions, and never get enough of them. Not only should you answer every post in your favorite newsgroups, you should answer the same post 3 or 4 different ways, just in case some dim people can't understand your points.

Note to the people who recycle: You do realize, of course, that only a couple of types of plastics are recyclable, and the rest of the plastics are just tossed in the landfills you thought you "saved" them from in the first place.

Let's see if we have this straight. If a guy hits a girl, even kidding around, it's a Bad Thing. If a girl hits a guy, kidding around, it's Adorable and Spunky.

Great thing about meetings like Sci-Fi Conventions: You get to meet the folks you talk to on-line, and see just how screwed-up your mental picture of them was...

Just remember one thing about all the idiots who have different opinions than you: You also have different opinions than *them*.

Okay, the "No Solicitors" sign on our door doesn't apply to just people selling stuff. It basically means that, if we don't know you, get the hell away from our door.

So, Son of the Beach is just Howard Stern using all the leftover sexual puns from his radio show.

Which wouldn't be bad if they were actually clever/funny sexual puns...

If the Software Companies announce a date "set in stone" about the release of a new product, and they miss it, we all bitch about it. If they play it safe, and offer no set release date, we all bitch. No wonder the tech support folks sound so happy to hear those phones ring.

Could ya get back to us when ya get a routine that's original, amusing or (God Forbid) both? Thanks a lot.

Balthayzr is another year older and deeper in crap.

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