July 3rd, 2000
|July 10th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: As the countdown to the One-Year Anniversary of 30 Lines Of Mental Illness continues, we stop to reflect on some of the Greatest Questions Ever Pondered. And, as we read them, we leave you with the usual pile of crap.
Anyone else think those "Elephant Bell Bottom" jeans make people look like badly-designed Filmation cartoon characters?
Of course, "badly-designed Filmation cartoon character" is about as redundant as saying "short midget" or "Internet Geek"...
Has anyone actually bought a product/service just because the damn commercial jingle got stuck in their heads for weeks?
And yes, we do think you're nuts because you spent hours, perhaps even days, downloading a 200 meg file just so you could play the first 5 minutes of that hot, new video game coming out.
Maybe if your Official Web Site was at least fairly decent, you wouldn't have to send out nasty letters to fans about "copyright issues" in a thinly-veiled attempt to get rid of the competition.
Is it too much to ask that reruns and syndication episodes be shown in some sort of order, so first-time viewers can make at least a token attempt to follow the storylines?
Exactly why do we wanna pay for a computer peripheral with the name of a Computer Store plastered all over it? Is it because their prices are so amazingly low that they can't afford proper ads, and we should advertise for them out of gratitude?
We suppose it's a lot easier to just get behind us on the Expressway and flash your lights at us in an attempt to get us to do 90 MPH than it is to just get into one of the other 5 lanes and pass us...
Yes, there is a point when being a School Spirit Nut goes from being Annoying to Just Plain Creepy. And that point is about 5 minutes after your Graduation.
Has anyone ever come up with a satisfactory explanation on the differences between a Mass Murderer and a Serial Killer? Because this is stuff we really need to keep straight.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: By 3190, the United States will become one giant Welfare state, caused in part by the fact that every single day will have been declared some sort of National Holiday, thus keeping everyone out of work and schools everywhere.
It's really kind of sad when your big Claim To Fame is that you're a regular caller to a local Radio Talk Show.
And, while we're at it: Just because a caller can be coherent for 5 minutes every other day does *not* mean s/he can be coherent for 4 hours on their own Radio Show.
The above rule also applies to any Celebrity of The Moment, who seem very smart in 10-second sound bites, don't they?
You think the kids that voted for the Heinz green catsup are at home, laughing about the scam they just pulled?
Because it's easier to just run up your electric bill with the air conditioner than it is to haul yourself up off the couch every few hours and walk outside to check the current temperature.
The smallest measurement of time is the point between when a banana is so underripe that it will suck every micron of moisture out of your mouth, and so overripe that it's actually become a liquid.
For once, we don't mind AOL sending us those "5000 FREE Hours!!" Trial CDs, mainly because lately they've been sending them out in these really nice DVD-style holders that come in handy for storing discs that come in those cheap little paper envelopes.
If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that would limit the total time spent on media pre-and-post-game coverage to no more than the total running time of the actual Sporting Event covered.
Incoming Clue Alert: Maybe you shouldn't be tossing that cigarette out your car window, especially when you've got a bunched-up rag substituting for your gas cap. Ever hear of a Molotov Cocktail, pal?
We haven't decided which type of people are more annoying: The folks who run off to the doctor every time they get a twinge of itch, or the souls who refuse to go to the hospital despite the presence of greenish-yellow fluids pouring out everywhere or excruciating pains.
Who, besides teenage boys with wads of "used" Kleenex next to their beds, really gives a rat's ass who the hell Britney Spears marries?
So, there's no room on MTV for "Sifl and Olly", but there's room for "Spy Groove". Oooooooookay...
Exactly how did you think you were gonna dress up a couple of summers being "Rat Catcher and Drinker Of Mud Puddles" at the Renfest on your Resume?
How are people supposed to make sense of radio traffic reports when they're read at a speed that would make a tobacco auctioneer's head spin, and filled with cute little nick-names for all the landmarks that no one outside the station understands?
Everyone, sometime in their lives, should see at least one foreign movie with sub-titles. And French Porn and Anime don't count.
Uh, no. Ricky Martin music does not lend an authentic Atmosphere to your Mexican Restaurant.
And we don't see any connection between the announcement of investigations into gas prices, and the dropping of said gas prices by almost a dollar over the last couple of weeks.
On-line shopping will never completely replace normal shopping until they program a small Java applet window that says "Have you been helped?", and then refuses to go away no matter what part of the shopping site you go to.
What is the bigger pain in the ass: Driving through road construction, or driving on a neglected road with a surface comparable to that of a Rice Krispy Treat?
Balthayzr works week-ends as Iron Chef Ireland.