June 26th, 2000
|July 3rd, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: While you celebrate the Independence of this great country by blowing off various parts of yourself and your property with colorful explosives of a strength usually used for toppling buildings, we begin the countdown to the One Year Anniversary of SCHIZOTRICHIA. And, after a year, you'd think the column would get stale and repetitive. And you'd be right. Of course, that's never stopped us before...
Note to the guy on the Taco Bell commercial: Stop that. Your friends do *not* call you "G".
And if they do, it probably stands for Geek or Goofball or something like that.
And, as long as we're having a go at Taco Bell, about the Enchirito: Nice to see you've finally come up with something even more vile than the Chalupa. Bet it took some doing, huh?
There's a good reason why only geeky white guys get on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?. It's because only geeky white guys care enough about this sort of trivial knowledge to qualify.
Why all the fuss about Interactive TV? We've had Interactive TV for years. We see a crappy program, we hit the channel changer, and it goes away. Do that enough times, and it goes away forever. Sounds plenty interactive to us.
Because nothing says Professional Television Network like seeing the first 3 seconds of the National commercial before the local commercial kicks in.
Good. Wonderful. Elian went home. Can we hear about some other news stories, now?
Wow! No one has ever thought of showing Xmas movies/episodes in July before! Where do you TV executives come up with this stuff?
OK, yeah, ha-ha. Your Internet Nickname ends in 69. Yuk-yuk. How in the world do you deal with us Lesser Mortals who are unable to comprehend and appreciate the full extent of your Awesome Sense Of Humor?
"The film opened to mixed reviews" :translation: " The usual group of Critics that give positive reviews to everything so they can have orgasms seeing themselves quoted in movie ads liked it, but the other 99% of the Critics didn't.".
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Due to the huge amount of people competing for a limited amount of bandwidth, future net users will be forced to communicate only in a series of complicated but very compact Emoticons, comparable to the Chinese Alphabet.
Could someone please explain what the deal is with taking Rock songs and making Muzak out of them? Is there really a large group of people out there saying "You know, I bet that Nirvana song would be a lot more fun to listen to if it was played at half-speed with synthesizers, and without any lyrics.".
Rule Of Life #620: Rare is the thing that lives up to the Hype, and rarer is the thing that was worth the wait.
Sorry, Madonna, we care about this kid even less than we cared about your first one. And we can promise that we'll care about the news of the next pregnancy/birth even less, if it's possible.
Is it a Law that every Rapper has to do a song about themselves, describing in slightly threatening language how great they are, how they rule their "turf", and what'll happen to you if you don't show respect?
And, as amusing as Space Channel 5 for Dreamcast appears to be, we will not be buying or renting it, as the heroine is being voiced by Apollo "Living Anime Character and HellSpawn" Smile. We suppose we could play with the sound down, but we consider that cheating.
And what the hell does it mean to be a "Living Anime Character", anyway? That you have a really odd-colored gravity-defying hairstyle, serving-platter-sized eyes, and have to deal with the Heartbreak Of Tentacle Rape?
Note to Videogaming News Sites: Interviewing the programmers/staff of a Gaming Company about what their favorite food/movie/past job is, does *not* qualify as a News Item.
If elected President, we promise to enact legislation that would forbid any product-related press release (such as changing the ingredients/shape of a snack item, for instance) from being presented by any news organization as "News".
Has anyone ever been booted out of an IRC Chat Channel for being an idiot, threatened the residents of said channel via private /msg, and scared them with these threats so much that they apologized immediately and allowed him back in?
If nothing else, we'd like to see another Naked Gun movie just to see the producers tap-dance around the issue of whether or not to put O.J. in it.
No, we don't feel any more inclined to buy your CD of "Inspirational" songs just because your commercial features you singing your tunes as you stare wistfully off-camera.
South Park notwithstanding, we believe we've all had enough of the old "We need to locate someone with AB Negative blood NOW!" plotline.
We really need to come up with a Time Limit that's used to measure how long it's been since certain people have appeared on any TV shows (gag cameos not included). Once past this Limit, the person is no longer allowed to refer to himself, or have others refer to him, as a "TV Star".
Yep, used CD stores are a great place to get those hard-to-find bargains. Especially if you're looking for a hundred heavily-discounted copies of the Godzilla, Space Jam or Mortal Combat soundtrack.
Nothing gives us more hope for the future of our country than hearing an entire new generation happily singing the "Shaft" theme song.
Note to McDonald's: So, your new Ad campaign makes the promise that our food will now be served Hot and Fresh. So, you're basically admitting that you keep your Products under heat lamps for about 3 presidential administrations before you toss it and make new stuff?
One of the most delightful sensations on earth has to be when a mutant eyelash manages to twist itself around and begin gouging you in the eye while you're driving, especially when you're cruising along the highway at about 70 MPH...
Here's a scary thought: Most of the crap that passes for a Network TV Series nowadays, is gonna be made into Feature Films about 15 years from now.
Just think, only about another month and a half until the Christmas CD Song Collection commercials start.
Balthayzr isn't allowed at Sci-Fi Conventions any more, ever since he got Tom Baker stinking drunk and helped him drop water balloons on Vin Diesel.