July 10th, 2000
|July 17th, 2000
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We'd really like to contribute to National Anti-Boredom Month, but making this column less boring
would require a major re-working, and would upset our major stockholders. Besides, why change just one week away from the semi-large
One Year Anniversary? Sounds like cheating to us...
We find it mind-boggling that some folks can get so used to their own reek that they can actually no longer sense it, and thus not realize they're burning a hole in the Ozone layer.
Of course, these are the same people who look at their residences, with week-old plates and dirty laundry piled everywhere, and claim the place just looks "Lived In".
Special Note to the Parents we saw in the mall: The solution to the problem of your kid having a tantrum is NOT to tease him about whatever it was that set him off, so that he gets even *more* aggravated and starts screaming at a decibel level usually found at Space Shuttle launches...
Booze is not The Answer. It will, however, keep you amused until you find one.
We're sure there's some sort of reason why 80% of the people we see at the "All You Can Eat" Buffets seem to weigh about a metric ton, and we're pretty sure we can figure it out if we think about it long enough...
And, while we're on the subject: "All You Can Eat" does not mean "All You Can Sneak Out In The Plastic Bags You've Smuggled In". Nor does it mean "All You Can Fit On Your Plate And Take 3 Bites Of Before Leaving It And Going Back For Another Plateful".
If there's one thing we've learned from cereal commercials, it's that you're not supposed to buy the stuff. You're supposed to find the cereal's mascot, and steal it from him.
Funniest Thing Heard On A Police Scanner: A 1-900 Phone Sex Operator not only lecturing a customer on how he's wasting a lot of money calling every day, but wasting a lot of money because he's using a cell phone to do it.
Grocery Stores are not restaurants. Neither you or your kids are so hungry that you can't wait 10 minutes, pay for the snacks, then stuff your face. Especially since about 90% of you doing this are "conveniently" forgetting Step 2.
You know, most men can't even be bothered to take the damn condoms out of the box and use them. And you think we can successfully get them to take a birth control pill every day?
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: Hollywood will see the rise of a chain of "KidPounds(tm)", places where celebrities can dump recently-adopted children after they find out that it's actually a chore you really can't pawn off on the Help.
You find out who your True Friends are when you're drunk. They're the ones that steal all your clothes and leave you in the middle of some swell neighborhood at 4AM.
Because the same people that think "Harry Potter" is designed to get kids involved in the occult probably think "The Cat In The Hat" is about a witch's Familiar that tries to recruit 2 kids into Satan's Army.
Nothing says "losers" like an IRC channel topic that says something along the lines of "Lost Souls Only" or any implication that the channel denizens are Supernatural somehow.
If they wanted to make the X-men film be really like the comic books, the film should have had 5 different Title Sequences, thus forcing "collectors" to see all 5 versions just in case.
We're still finding it a little hard to believe that we, as a country, were all so stupid that we thought it was Just Fine to wrap dried leaves in paper, light it on fire, stick one end in our mouths, and suck in the smoke.
Of course, if you reflect upon it for awhile, why not? it hasn't been that long since we consumed and used products containing alarming amounts of Radioactivity, under the impression that it was not only harmless, but somehow beneficial. And we seem to presently be under the impression that wearing magnetic jewelry has all sorts of positive effects...
You sometimes have to wonder if Mankind isn't only an Evolutionary Dead-End, but an Evolutionary U-Turn.
If elected President, we promise that, if we pull some boneheaded stunt, we'll own up to it right away instead of tap-dancing around it for months, wasting everyone's time and tax-money.
If the various tabloid newspapers are to be believed, Nostradamus spent the last couple of years of his life lying in bed, making about 1000 "deathbed" predictions a week.
You know you're getting old when you remember the days when moves like the Suplex and the Piledriver were Finishing Maneuvers, and not moves that just stunned your opponent for a moment or two.
A large percentage of the books we enjoyed the most, we found in the 2 dollar bargain bin. Of course, we read some really weird stuff...
Nothing livens up your life like a stalker. Especially a really, really fixated stalker. Especially when your friends go to extreme lengths to make sure you two bump into each other. A lot.
There are warning labels for sub-par products. One of them is "As Seen On TV".
The great thing about keeping secrets is, if you keep them long enough, you get a lot more. Maybe enough for that Tell-All book, or some nice Blackmail...
Don't let anyone tell you cats are careful when walking around stuff. They'll bulldoze their way through things just like a dog. They just have the good sense to look at the damaged items with a look that says "Huh. Wonder how that happened.".
If the Hacker's Creed is to be taken at face value, that fellow jimmying your front door isn't a criminal. He's teaching himself Locksmithing.
And we're sure all the people who buy and use HotSprings Hot Tubs are using the motor massage jets on their backs and feet only.
And it would be wrong to spend, say, one day a month checking the Links page of your site to make sure the sites you've linked to are all still active, because you really don't want people leaving your site for another one, anyway.
Incoming Clue Alert: Movies like "The Patriot" and "Gladiator" are *not* meant to be History lessons, but are meant to be (gasp) Entertainment. If your kids are learning History from Major Summer Releases, their may be a bigger problem at work than Mel Gibson "ignoring" slavery or pissing off the Brits.
Balthayzr did not go to Gateway, and is thus Unclean.