|March 11th, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: We don't even bother playing a Lawyer on TV before handing out Legal Opinions, Major Earthquakes are traced to Akira Kurosawa spinning in his grave, and someone tries a new way to help eliminate the Homeless Problem.
Note to the Trendy Folk; Our sources from the nearby Coffeehouse have informed us that it's not *quite* time yet to pull your "George Bush; Thief-In-Chief" routine out of mothballs.
Sally Jesse Raphael's talk show got the Ax, and will stop production this Spring. She and her co-horts blame Cable Television for offering viewers "more viewing choices" for the Ratings Dive the show has taken. What we're hoping it that maybe people are getting tired of shows like this that parade people's misery out like some sort of Verbal Gladiatorial Bout, and the host's Self-Important Attitude as they toss advice they dug out of Dear Abby's garbage can at them. Or maybe it's just that people want to see Real People's Misery, and not performances by people who appear on these shows for pocket money between bouts at small Independent Pro Wrestling Shows.
From our Maybe Taking Legal Advice From O.J. Wasn't As Smart An Idea As We Thought file; Harland Braun, Robert Blake's lawyer, has made the claim that Blake's wife was "murdered by a hit man she had hired to kill Blake, but who instead turned on her because she was too Unstable". Uh huh. We believe the legal term for this is "Reaching".
Speaking of Reaching and the Law; This woman clobbers a homeless guy, drives home with him imbedded in her windshield, leaves him for God Knows how long in her garage to die, dumps his body somewhere, and her Lawyer goes on TV and says that charging her with Murder is OVERCHARGING her, and the most she should be charged with is Not Seeking Medical Attention In A Timely Manner? What next, that she shouldn't be charged with Leaving The Scene Of An Accident since she actually took the whole Accident home with her?
And maybe we don't have the best grasp of the Law, but couldn't all these TV Appearances by her Lawyer be construed as possibly Influencing Potential Jurors? Or does that only count when Prosecutors do it?
The best thing about cases like this is reading all the articles on Usenet posted by goofs whose comprehension of Law and the Legal System comes from watching Law & Order and CourtTV all day.
We won't even get into our pet theories on why the Families and Friends of these poor Homeless folk don't seem to give a Rat's Ass about them until something happens to the Homeless Person that they can Sue Someone Over.
Oh, and one of her many defenses is that "Someone slipped something into her drink". Obviously some Wonder Drug that dulls your conscience enough so that you don't mind letting a Homeless guy die slowly in your garage, but still keeps you sharp enough to safely Pilot a car with a 200+ pound man sticking out of the windshield, and sharp enough to plan the disposal of they body and firey destruction of the evidence...
"You qualify for our Professional Subscrition Rate!" :translation: "You qualify for our Regular Subscription Rate, maybe minus 1%, because we found your name on a Mailing List that another one of the Magazines you subscribe to sent us. And we're hoping this notice looks enough like a Bill so that you'll just send us money without reading this too closely.".
It's nice to know that, in this modern age of Computer-Controlled Indoor Pyrotechnics and Web Broadcasts and such, that there's still room at the WWF for Dog Poop Jokes on their Broadcasts.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: The Collapse of the U.S. Government will occur by 2100, thanks in part to the ACLU splitting the Population into 2 Warring factions; Those who believe any Law is an Infringement on their Personal Rights And Freedoms, and those who feel any Action Taken by Anyone Infringes on Somebody's Personal Freedom, and there needs to be lots of Laws to stop that sort of thing. The collapse will be due to the fact that everyone in the U.S. will be spending 99% of his time in Court, suing or being sued by someone from The Other Side.
If, at this point in time, you're spelling your On-Line name with anything besides regular letters and numbers, we will find you and we will hurt you. Especially if it's a name from some Book or Movie like Hackers.
And don't think you've found a Loophole because you're using that stupid RanDoM CaPitAlizAtiOn or substituting numbers 4 words and/or letters.
Ok, did we just actually see an ad for a show on CBS called Baby Bob? About a TALKING BABY? You know, like on Look Who's Talking? Yeesh, maybe someone's slipped something into *our* drink...
And if no one has, could someone do so as soon as possible? Please?
Besides the fact that it was advertised every 3.5 seconds on every channel owned by the Sci-Fi Channel's parent company, the main reason we refused to watch Firestarter; Rekindled is because we don't want anyone getting the idea that the solution to no new King Novels to make into Mini-series or Movies is to do Sequels. Look at the Horrors visited unto Mankind with the 356 Children Of The Corn sequels, and the original was just a short story.
More proof that God, on occasion, tests us for His own personal jollies; MGM and Miramax Pictures have announced plans to remake 7 Samurai. BUT, they haven't decided yet what time period to place it in...
And proof that this picture will be the worst thing to come down the pike since Waterworld; "The original was the Mother Of All "Guys on a Mission" Movies" - Press Release quote from Harvey Weinstein, Co-Chairman of Miramax. Ooh, a "Mother Of All" comment! Think Ticketmaster is taking Advance Orders yet?
So, this clown from the Music Association Overlord Society goes on the Grammys, and makes this big speech on how Napster is the Greatest Threat To Civilization Ever, because it's so easy to go there and steal millions of songs. To prove his point, he points out a couple of kids in the audience (who seemed real happy to be on camera), and makes the claim that these guys downloaded a bunch of music off the Net on his orders, thus damning dozens of hard-working Music Stars and their Agents to a life of starvation. Now, however, it turns out the kids didn't exactly get all the music off of Peer-To-Peer networks, but had friends rip Mp3s and send them via Instant Messengers in order to meet the quota this guy set, because the Peer-To-Peer network connections were too slow and kept disconnecting (This besides the fact that we thought we read somewhere that Napster didn't really exist anymore). Moral; Never Let The Truth Get In The Way Of Some Weasel Trying To Explain Why The Profits Aren't As Big As They Should Be.
HEY! You Israelites and you Palestinians wanna keep it down a bit? We're trying to have a War On Terrorism over here!
Fox's Celebrity Boxing, or 1001 Uses For A Dead Career, Part 26.
Why, exactly, are there Reunions for these Reality Shows like Survivor? We really think we're going to learn any startling new revelations about these idiots, or that their Appearance on Brain-Damage Theatre somehow Changed Their Life? Or, are we just hoping enough Catty Comments fly to start some sort of Springer-esque Pull-Apart?
Yeah, so the new Time Machine was supposedly directed, in part, by H.G. Well's Great-great-whatever Grandson (he collapsed from exhaustion 18 days into filming. Meaning he was responsible for about 2 minutes of what appears on screen). Exactly what, besides looking good on the Internet Movie DataBase, was the purpose? Like what, he was there when old Herbert penned the Original, and thus was privy to all this thoughts on the situations and characters?
Ya know, Stephen King Directed/Advised on a couple of the Treatments given his Books over the years. We're pretty sure he was present when he wrote the books, but the result was still crapola...
Can they still call themselves The Truth when they fib? Seems a few of the cigarette makers are a bit peeved over the commercials featuring the ads in the Urinals, making claims that cigarettes contain Urea. The Big Tobacco guys claim they don't, and never did. But, we guess "InfectLittleWhiteLies.com" just doesn't have that same "Fight The POWER!" ring to it...
No, we're not for Cigarette Smoking. We've just always been against Protest As "Look At ME" Performance Art.
Showtime, or Look, We Discovered A Way To Make "COPS; The Motion Picture"!.
And the week just wouldn't be complete without "Representatives of the Victim's Families" complaining that the Families aren't getting enough cash fast enough. When did "The Payoff" become one of the Stages Of Grief?
From our Things We Really, Really Didn't Need To Know file; There seems to be quite a booming market for Used RealDolls...
Balthayzr had just gotten somewhat used with the idea of Used Clothing Stores selling Undies and Swimsuits.